Healing at last

[Mozza]

Your situation with S14 reminds me of what I had with D7. I've been talking to her about certain things for months and nothing's changed. On day, I said to her: "D7, I told you a thousand times to..." and then I stopped and thought "Who's the idiot here? I tried the same thing a thousand times and it doesn't change. I need a new strategy." The social worker at school told me that D7 understands right and wrong and knows what she has to do, so words won't make a difference. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. At her age, it comes with a sort of list of agreed consequences and when she steps out, they are applied. The point is that it shouldn't be unexpected and arbitrary. It should be fair. I don't know if it could work with your son, but for D7 the consequences were suggested by her.

My point is that you'll have more power if you start speaking with your actions. Find a set of consequences for your son that he will bear and not you. If he doesn't clean, then they are enforced. Make sure it's not something where he can wear you out, because that will be his goal. It has to be something that bothers him a lot and doesn't bother you one bit. You apply them calmly, no "I told you so!", no "You know I'll do it!" Just enforcing. At his age, you don't want a change of his behavior to be seen as a victory for you, or he'll hold out even longer.

For D16, it looks like you'll have to wait it out. Be a good person, give her no reason to despise or avoid you. It sounds like it might take years, but teenagers usually grow to have a more balanced view of their parents. Your efforts to be good at the moment will pay off especially by then.