I've been quite tough on myself, trying to stop myself from thinking about my H, and trying not to second guess what he may be doing or thinking. I think that way lies madness.
I still don't think it's any help to me writing this or posting this.
Anyway. On Sunday night when I was out GAL, and I met someone who is working with him at the moment, she said she had found out that we had separated. I can't even quite remember if I even asked her how he is, but in the course of our quick conversation she told me he had been lecturing her about bad relationships (she's about half our age).
I got a picture of one of those old bitter, drunk guys you see, standing on his own at a bar, dispensing 'advice' to anyone coming up to the bar.
This morning I called an alcohol advice helpline to talk about my H's attitude towards alcohol in general, and the amount he's been consuming for the past 4 or 5 years.
I couldn't quite work out what was normal any more. He comes from quite a heavy-drinking family, and has always had the 'drink to excess' thing. Except over the past 4 or 5 years it's become much more intense, very self destructive and there's been a big element of 'stuff you, I'm doing it anyway' whenever I told him how much it was impacting on my life.
Then throw some drugs into the mix too.
He's been cracking a joke for the past few years, whenever we saw a down and out he would say 'that could be me if I stick in'. It always upset me.
The lady I spoke to on the phone said she felt I had had enough of dealing with his behaviour.
I do feel much better knowing I'm not going to be woken up at some point in the night, with him staggering home from God knows where, at God knows what time and in God knows what state.
He's done some very reckless things in the states he's gotten himself in to (leaving the front door unlocked, leaving the keys on the outside of the front door and leaving the front door wide open...just some of the things he's done over the past few years). Whenever I've brought any of my concerns up, he's always been really dismissive. That's been the thing that has been more upsetting than whatever it is that he's done.
