Cali, I've spent the last week reading all your old threads (and I think I'm still only halfway through!). I hope you don't mind me saying that your sitch has made for some good night time reading . While I know where you are currently, I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I just felt compelled to reach out now and thank you for your contributions to this board. Your patience, honor, and love towards your wife and s is truly inspiring and I really wish you all the best. Also, your commitment to yourself and your development is really remarkable. You really deserve all the greatness that life has in store for you.
You've taught me a lot and even given me that little extra oompf I need to keep on my path as well. Thank you. Be well!
Thank you Feyth ... hopefully my journey can help someone as I have come away from this learning quite a bit .. not only about MLC but also about myself and I continue to learn.
So bit of an update.
Things have regressed ... seemingly badly since Sunday night. I think the one thing ... the big mistake I made was forgetting that W is still going through MLC, and there were things I did wrong due to my own issues and pain brought on by this entire mess, something looking at it now I should have been bigger than ... and yes not having expectations would have been good to fully adopt but I was torn between not wanting to be hurt, and wanting to go all in and save my marriage. As of this morning W again wants to separate and D. I was reading the thread about how death triggered most MLC'rs .... part of me linked my fathers death (whom she disliked) to this but I think that may have not been the driving force, I am pretty confident that BIL and his 20 year prison sentence had more to do with it and with the Holidays ... especially Christmas coming seems she has ran back into the tunnel as I was ambushed with the familiar Monster Sunday night, after a relitively good weekend. That being said ... over the past few months I reverted ... confidence shaken after the A, her and I not having sex .. I was putting timelines on it, thinking maybe OM was back in the picture (may be but I have no idea) just all those things that flood one and I lost my DB compass here and there and did not approach this probably the way I should ... partly the MLCr not admitting wrong/showing remorse was really eating me and I felt the need to point out how wrong it was, how hurt I was as I fought trigger after trigger the closer I found myself getting to her... but reading a bit this was not the time and I did not understand that as she was waking up it would most likely still be a number of years till everything really sunk in .... silly now that I type it out and share because as I have given it alot of thought ... it really does not matter anymore, the past is not going to help me and I at this time do not have a who is capable of helping me through this pain, the pain of not having sex with my W for 3 years being told it was medical issues but learning otherwise ... all those MLC spews left some scars and took away a great deal of confidence that I have yet to fully heal from. Toss in the STD ..... well it may just be in my case as hard as I tried to save this M there may very well have been far to much damage dealt by us both to recover. In the time we got back together (admittedly to soon) I think what makes things different in my case is W's continued health problems (which I am currently again being blamed for ... increased stress and all) the constant dealing with her health really distracted her from working through the mental side of all this .... might explain why her mother looks to be stuck in MLC land as well. I see this clearly now as I have taken a step out of the woods and can see things a bit more clearly, might be to late, might not ... I told her this morning I would not file for D, she said she would .. I also said I was not moving out .. though thinking I might have to ... her place and her lease I am hoping to just fly low and get through the Holidays and pray she wakes a bit and comes out but I again received the IDLY line so it may be time for me to really give thought to all this, I have done all I can, made mistakes sure .. but I have exhausted myself to this point and I am not sure she can really give me what I need in a relationship as its clear to me she bounces in and out of MLCville and quite possibly will do this for the rest of her life.
So for now .... DBing again .. when in doubt do nothing. Seems our discussion this morning she viewed as me begging .. far from it more along the lines of truth darts ... deep down since October I really felt I would have to leave her and let her complete her journey if she is able to .... knowing I am about done and wanting to just be loved without this hurricane storm constantly pounding my shores
. While I know where you are currently, I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I just felt compelled to reach out now and thank you for your contributions to this board. Your patience, honor, and love towards your wife and s is truly inspiring and I really wish you all the best. Also, your commitment to yourself and your development is really remarkable. You really deserve all the greatness that life has in store for you. 
