hi myrhh - i'm so glad to have your view on this, so many books say that the end should mean no more contact, but i too found it better to have H be honest with me, than to hide his contact. yesterday i asked casually if there had been contact, and he said no, except an email he was copied on which was work related. he said he was comfortable with me asking, he will answer truthfully. he just did not want to volunteer info. i think this works for me, and will ask as i feel strong enough to cope.
hi randy - thanks so much for the encouragement. this is delicate business, and every boost helps
well, yesterday was a good day. we aired a few things over breakfast, just on a philisophical note, though we both knew we were sounding each other out on our 'recovery'. H touched base a couple of times during the day, though it seemed like a really hectic day for him.
some progress on the flat selling front, we found a progressive estate agent. H said he would need to do some work at home in the evening, but in the event we just cuddled up on the sofa. i wonder if 'work' was in case i get heavy with the 'chat'?
my emotional ups and downs are still quite unfathomable. i just have to go with the flow. certainly accepting H as an intimate friend has made it easier for me to detach. hope this feeling good continues.
one thing i am hoping to develop is catching H when he does something right/good, and giving him lots of positive reinforcement. i feel good, he feels good, and does more of it - simple, why did i not wake up to this sooner
happy thursday, everyone. slowly
ps. happy believe365 (now ll2f) is back posting, and is mostly ok. sent rotz's car lover joke to H, he is also car crazy, he went pale during the main part of the joke, but cracked up at the final 2 lines - it was fun
slowly and Myrrh, I've not gotten to read all of your posts to know your sitchs well, but your conversation here caught my attention. My H has been having PA, I found out last Oct., started DBing in Dec....3 weeks ago, H told me they "arent seeing each other but are still friends and we talk", and "she will always be there if we dont' work out"...I know he still calls her on the phone all the time, and I feel like he is testing me somehow, as he does nothing to reassure me about the A & that he's not seeing OW...last night I lost it and asked if he was going to see her...(story in "morphing into red hot momma"). I don't know, how on earth do you rebuild trust when you've been lied to so hugely? does it drive you absolutely nuts that about continued contact w/OW? I don't know, I'm kind of having a couple rough days after things seemed to have gone well for several weeks. Maybe it is the moon's cycles. Don't mean to hijack your thread, but trust is such a huge problem for me right now, and I know my distrust sets him off....of course the flip side is, I trusted him before when he told me things, and then really had my heart broken when I discovered the huge lies.
hi deb - my goodness, i must read up on your sitch, you are saying all the things i feel. it is very dificult. without this bb, and michele's book, i would definitely have blown it. for me, the fact that my H is telling me about it is important. yes there have been lies, but the more i don't react to what he tells me, the more he feels comfortable telling me.
H says the same things as yours - it is better to let the feelings die a natural death, than an abrupt termination, and have unresolved issues fester in the mind. i take comfort from the fact that H genuinely pays more attention to me these days, is more loving, etc. if he needs a bit more time to extract himself, i will try my best to not let this one thing ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.
boy, we are definitely in the same boat. I see my W slowly stepping back from OM, way too slowly for me. She is going to counselor to try and stop the attachment to OM. It helps me if I don't try to understand it because to me it is simple. Work on us without OM for the kids sake or pick OM. I would drop ANY woman in a second once I saw the hurt on my Son's face about leaving our house to sleep somewhere else. Why can't W see this? It doesn't matter--she is confused, hurt, depressed, etc. and can't think clearly.
One thing I learned about Jealousy. It is about me thinking, "How could she do this to ME?" Look how great I am. Look how wonderful I am. How could she pick someone else? I drop this self talk as soon as I can. I am not great, wonderful, etc. I am just a guy getting a long and having fun. She is not doing this to me.
2 schools of thought on OM/OW. One, put up a boundry and have tough love. "I will leave with the kids for one week. We will have no contact with you. You will make a decision one way or the other when I get back"
2) Act as if...Hey, you want the OM? Well I am not snooping, asking, begging, or pleading. I am just a humble guy who will be your friend. We will not discuss OM at all. I am following this because my W has a lot of problems right now and I am her best friend. If I cut her off she either will react with "what am I losing" or run as fast as she can to get those needs met by OM. What is working (DB principles) is being best friend. Yes, she still pushes me away when we start getting close. But she comes back much faster and we come back closer. Sort of reverse of detaching.
Hope this helps. I like your suggestions about a slow death.
hi elwayne - thanks - your 2 approaches work well for me. i feel the old me would have gone the first option, but maybe i should give the second approach some time, huh? it is tough, but i think worth a shot. i need to go back and look at goals, baby steps - my PMA is in dire need of a boost slowly
Don't get down, we're not all down! I actually took off a few days because my sitch was going well and was afraid the BB would drag me down. Probably should have posted more to help some of you see it's going well for some of us.
i've been reading the posts on your site and i just wanted to chime in. first of all, you have been so fabulous to me and many others here and i just wanted to thank you again! your words always make me feel better and allow me to re-focus on what we need to do. you've also given me 'permission' at times to feel the feelings that are completely natural and normal....and not to totally beat myself silly over it. so thank you very much!
i believe that i can understand what you are saying about the A. my wife and i are still separated as you know....and as you've read my previous posts, i believe through the DR, the friends made on this site, and other relationship books etc that i have a pretty clear 'rational' understanding of what my W is feeling in her A. as you know, she really likes the OM a lot and has no intention of ending their relationship. and i understand that her R with him muct run its course (and it will) and until then...well there's not much that i can do.
still....that doesn't mean that there aren't times that although my rational/logical side understands that my emotional side is just torn up inside and goes absolutely bonkers!!! that's when i'll take my nice long walk and talk to myself, God, whomever will listen (=....and allow those feelings to be aired out where they will do no damage.
funny story....one day on my walk, in the midst of a long diatribe about my wife's A....she called me on my mobile phone!! i composed myself and smiled and had a nice conversation with her (i think i posted about it on my now what thread). if she only knew what i was thinking and saying just a few bloody seconds before she called! (= ha-ha-ha.....but she never knew....and she said some very nice things during the talk. things that surprised me....would love your input when you have a moment.
i think you're doing great and continue to focus on the goals as michele says....i really like that michele did talk about allowing our spouses the room to let the A go....and giving them permission to 'grieve' the end of their R. i never thought about it that way before....and i'm sure if i had never read that i would have done everything "all wrong" like i had been before divorce remedy!!!
you're doing great slowly....and you're doing a great help to so many others too....you are a blessing!
hi r man - thanks so much, i really needed this boost. it has been a tough afternoon here, and the temptation to pack it all in has been there a few times. i just need to meditate, refocus, reconnect with all the good people here and continue dbing. i just wish i knew why H is doing this - he says there is no future in it, he knows it hurts me but ....
back to getting a life and getting mysterious. we went out last night with a work colleague of mine, who is an amazing guy, and on the way home, H asked me if i had many 'impressive men' like that in my work circle. he's never put it quite that way, so i think i'll switch gears for a couple of weeks and see how things go.
Remember don't believe what they say! My H said many hurtful dreadful things. H said over and over that he wanted a D....but here we are working on things again.
What can you do to start a butterfly effect in your life? What small change can you try?
Slowly, do something wonderful for yourself. Raise your PMA and it will be infectious.
