We are on the page, there is no push to be had we are on the same page.
I have been Paelo/Primal on and off since the beginning of September, full Paelo since the beginning of October. I do not crave carbs at all now, not even when anxious or anxiety attacks.
I am stuck with the weight loss V. Nutritionist believes is gut related. My feeling is that it is this, but also core issue related. I am beginning to form the belief that my self loathing, childhood trauma issues sit directly in gut cells and fat cells. Once of resolve this self love.self hate issue. Likely weight will fall off, food and exercise self care will stop being an issue.
My plan had been in the New Year to get all my bloods and gut checked, so I really new what I was dealing with.
As for the belief system related to looking lovely on the outside is lovely on the inside. I have no idea where it originated. I have said for many years when teasing my mother about our Catholic upbringing that Catholics work on the premise "if it looks good, it is good". I was raised Catholic, my mother worked for a Catholic Boarding school, through my whole life priests, brothers and nuns, were part of our daily lives. After 35 years of service to the catholic boarding school my mother was made a honorary member of the order by the Pope. I spent my whole life attempting to be the best Catholic School girl and considered becoming a nun for a time. When this didn't happen I thought I would become a good wife and mother. I waited till I was 29 to have sex waiting for the a husband and father to my children to come along. He never did. I walked away from trying to be good. I couldn't walk too far away I was a very good girl and became a social worker, completing by acts of service to God through my work. I don't know how valid any of the above is to what you ask. But likely a link.
PS: no offense meant to any practicing catholics. I loved my Catholic upbringing and if I had had children I would have raised them in the church. The grounding of morals and virtues I feel for children is very important. I would have wanted that for mine.
It is not a tough question to answer Lady V. I completely hold myself to this standard. I completely allow my weight to hold me back. Living my life has happened losing one kilo at a time. The lighter I have became the more able I have felt to live my life the way I wanted to. The more options I have felt, the more confidence I have had in myself. Right now I feel as ugly inside and out as I did at my heaviest of 156kg.
Thanks for the post V. I think we are both on the same track.
Completed a questionnarie for a Naturopath today. He seems highly compentent. He has a background in public service and human social services and mental health. I think this could be really good. He is booked up till mid Jan, but to be expected this time of year. He will review my questionnaire and we will go from there.
I've read through your posts, weight is a complex issue. It looks like you're handling it well, but again - it's a complex issue. I've got someone coming over in a minute so I'm going to throw a bunch of stuff out here.
Paleo/Primal is great for weight loss, but please make sure that you're not getting too much sugar in from "Paleo" sources. I had a client that was eating Paleo for months and wasn't losing anything. I found out she was eating a Paleo banana nut bread LOAF every two days.
Do you track your caloric intake? Some people are hesitant to due to the obsessive factor, but if you're comfortable doing that, it's a great way. Even better if you can track your macros and see where your calories are coming from. Your fat intake may be too high. My W tried to eat Paleo in the same fashion that I did and gained weight due to the high intake of fat.
Also look and see if there are any hidden leaks in your diet - drinks, or products that have a high calorie count that you may not think.
How do you sleep? And how high are your stress levels? Those two can derail the best of diets as well. Cortisol will keep weight on you.
Lastly, I have had a number of clients that didn't lose the weight they wanted until they confronted histories of significant abuse. From incest to physical and emotional abuse, it was all there hiding under the protective barrier of the weight. That's not something you need to come out with here, but if there is a history of trauma that you're willing to talk to an IC about, in my opinion it will certainly help. Biochemically that doesn't necessarily make sense, but it's truth IMO.
Your current sitch can also be keeping weight on you if there is apprehension about dating, being with men intimately and what not. Our bodies are brilliant at keeping us alive at all costs, and if your body has gotten the message that intimacy equals pain and "death", it may be keeping the weight on you.
Almost lastly, can you tell me a bit about your fitness routine? Do you have one?
Gut health is a big factor in all health, let alone weight loss, it's also not fully understood.
Three months of Paleo that has led to weight loss is great, congratulations on living healthily and for just being an amazing human being who's going through something extraordinarily hard. That makes you (censored) beautiful in my book!
But, three months may also be the time that your body says, "Ok, I've dropped some weight, now I'm going to stay here for a bit and level off. Then, next month, I'll start dropping again."
I've seen it all Jelly, weight loss that makes no sense, and no loss when the client is 100% compliant. Be compassionate with yourself and think long term. This weight will come off in it's own time.
Love to you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
My nutritionist talks about the 80/20 rule for a happy life and continued weight loss. 80% on the plan and 20% those little treats. My treat is one coffee per day and two home made Paelo chocolates at night as a fat supplement. They are made from 100% cocoa powder, coconut oil, almond butter and honey.
I don't eat fruit as this was extra sugar I didn't want. Besides I think I have a food sensitivities to mould. Last raspberries I ate sent me on a downer and emotional like nobodies business. I think dairy is a problem too I think, but I like a little of that in my diet. butter mostly and a little bit of cheeeesee.
To be honest I don't think I am eating enough. I have diaried by my food intake for my nurtritionist and she thhinks I could probably eat more fat, likely a little too high on my protein. I hate watching my food really closely as it stresses me out and makes me feel like I have a food disorder, watching every portion of food I put in my mouth. While I don't look like an anorexic by any stretch of the imagination. Food intake creates alot of anxiety for me and has done for many years. The idea of getting back to 156kgs stresses me alot. I know I could balloon so easily if I took my eye of my food intake for a minute.
I don't drink alcohol, I don't drink soda or diet soda even. I drink between 2-3 litres per day. My vice is coffe. Which with possible adrenal fatigue and too much cortisol likely is not helping. But you know when there are no other vices in your life , including a sexy man for passionate sex...a girl has to give herself a break.
I have spent years in and out of therapy regarding childhood trauma and abuse. The last at the beginning of this year. I feel that alot of it is resolved (never totally of course) but most. I feel that if was heading back to therapy it is likely going to because of how much I hate this body I walk around in. Yes the apprehension about being with a new partner does stress me out. I want this issue resolved so I can moved forward. Leaving all these issues behind, leave that broken abandoned fat me behind. A whole new start!.
As for exercise. A was a really active kid within the confines of unmanaged asthma. Then I wasn't and I got fat. And then I got fatter and fatter. Then I had my lap-band and discovered walking. And I walked inititally that was all. I wasn't brave enough to enter a gym.
A then one day I forced myself into a gym and loved having a personal trainer. So for a while I trained at the gym 5 days per week, with one hour per week with a PT. weights and cardio. Weight came off. I took up cycling, weight came off.
Then I plateaued. So I uped the training. cycled 5 days per week. PT 2x 45 min sessions per week - functional fitness - Crossfit kinda stuff, boxing 45 mins per week group class. Cycling events in between. I did this for 18 months.
No weight loss - changed shape and toned. And then I gave up. I stopped exercising and lost 10kg.
Then with all the stress of relationship breakup and antidepressants 10kg went back on.
In Feb this year I went back to the gym. Two 45 mins PT sessions per week. Tues and Thurs. Wed Cardio. Sat Cardio, sometimes a bike ride an hour. Sunday Cardio and weights, maybe boxing on the bag at the gym. - no weight loss. My goal was to be able to run 5 km by my birthday at the end of April. I did it.
Since my operation in July. I have only been walking riding my bike recreationally, watching my food. I did quite a bit of reading on adrenal fatigue and impact of cortisol levels. I thought maybe my restrictive diet about 1200-1500 calories and training were too much. So I chilled.
So right now I walk 5 days per week and eat Paelo.
I am completly lost, sad and frustrated because nothing I do will get this last 35kg off. So frustrated. I hate feeling so unfit, I hate not feeling strong.
I want to meet a partner who is physically active, who I can go on physical adventures with and keep up. I want to go on island islands a kayak and a swim in the ocean with my partner and not feel self conscious. I can't do that being 35kg overweight and scared to train, scared to eat.
I want my plastic surgery and this lack of weight loss is stopping that from happening.
I know how to train PP. I know how to eat well. I don't know how to lose weight.
Beautiful response, there's a lot here. You've done the work and you've done it well, now you've reached an impasse. Unfortunately I'm not going to be a lot of help other than support and probably telling you what you already know.
Paleo plus CrossFit style training like HIIT is a great recipe for rapid weight loss, muscle building, and strength gains. It's also a great recipe for adrenal fatigue and hormonal issues. I had adrenal fatigue from that type of training and have worked with a lot of people in the same boat.
Throw in the adrenal explosion that a relationship situation is and you've got the perfect storm of your body stopping everything in its tracks. Throw in the emotional component of the apprehension of sharing your physical body with another person with a freshly broken heart and all kinds of challenges emerge.
My recommendation is to add in two days a week of weight lifting as opposed to just walking. Keep the walking but sub in some strength training. Compound movements, 6 - 8 sets, 10 - 12 reps. Don't be afraid to push around the weight, 2 -3 minutes rest in between sets. You're not trying to break a heavy sweat here.
Keep your walks long and light, no running or anything else that taxes you. Just move.
Other than that, be patient. Very patient. I've had clients whose weight loss was completely stagnant for months and then it restarted. There are forces at work both hormonally and emotionally that may not show up empirically.
Just like a DB sitch, sometimes the best thing to do is let it go. Enjoy your body in the form that it's presenting right now. It's still yours, it's still the best one you've got and there's a lot to be celebrated with it. There are people dying to look the way you do right now. Find gratitude in your health, find reasons to love your body. I know it sounds cliche and trite, but make a practice of it.
Since you do have a history of abuse, if you were my client I'd recommend speaking with an IC about your beliefs about your body. I would bet that there is still unresolved emotion around your past being expressed by your current body presentation. The sentence, "I can't do that being 35k overweight and scared to train, scared to eat" lets me know that it the weight is still serving you in a way that consciously you may not want it to but unconsciously it is.
Talk to your IC about the fears you have about a new partner too, it sounds like those fears are also being expressed through the weight.
Let this go Jelly, breathe, how you look today is not what's important although it may feel that way. What's important is who you are and the path of growth you're still on.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Let this go Jelly, breathe, how you look today is not what's important although it may feel that way. What's important is who you are and the path of growth you're still on.
Big hug,
PP
PP, thank you for your post and reflections. I have never understood this concept of looks not being important? The world affirms beautiful thin healthy people. Research supports this.
Maybe I confuse beauty and thin with happiness? This one is hard one for my little mind to get its head around PP. This likely harder that any DBing.
Please excuse this stream of consciousness. There are myriad of feeling and thoughts traveling around my brain that need some sorting. And the attempts I am making to order them is providing limited relief or clarity.
So I am befuddled and confused about so many things at present. What if everything I thought I knew about myself and about my relationships with Mr M and Mr Ex was not in fact right. What does that mean?
This body image stuff has really started to f**k with my head and I'm not sure why. I feel I have sorted all of this into tidy boxes and classified and catalogued and ordered. I feel like someone has walked in a grabbed every single box and turned them upside down in the middle of the room.
I am confused about what I have been doing for the last 14 months. If I don't understand anything of what has happened in last 33 years, who would?
I read Zues letter to newcomers. And Im reading it and I am thinking , I don't have that level of clarity about my role in my relationships ending or my partners role in it. I just assumed it was all my fault and I think I stopped there. Rationalizing, imagining, creating wonderful reasons why it's always, my fault.
I look at all those that came to the board at the same time I did. I see the immeasurable growth, wisdom, clarity and calm they possesses. And wonder what pill did I miss out on that I am still here wondering how to do this thing, we call growing and changing.
Why am I so committed to ways of being and thinking that make me so very unhappy. Why am I clinging to a story of pain and heartbreak. When there a much happier, lighter story to be told and lived. What am I so scared of?
I feel indulgent asking these questions while others are still in the midst of so much pain, with greater losses to be had than what I have been through. But even that makes me think. There are so many people who have grown through far deeper tragedies and heartbreak than mine. And yet they experience their lives with such authenticity and joy.
Something is not right in the state of Denmark.
I have dreams and wants and wishes and I am so scared of saying them aloud. Of even having them. I deny my own voice. I ignore. What is the price of ignoring yourself?
Have I evolved, grown, changed over this 14 months. I don't know. I can't say with any confidence that my internal or external life is any different. Or is it? Am I so accustomed to ignoring anything good in myself that I wouldn't recognise if it bit me on the bum.
I know there are qualities I have the make for a good partner. But I am so scared of more rejection I can't accept, won't accept that someone could actually see them. I am a theory only kind of woman. In theory I have all the qualities that any good solid man would want, and desire and be happy to have. In practice, maybe not so much.
I am perplexed, annoyed, scared, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed...where to from here?
I need a plan because I am probably the most lost I have been in 14 months, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure where to start. I should probably know.
Help
JellyBxxx
PS: Please forgive my indulgent navel gazing, but all this kinda hurts.
Jelly - Sweet lady. I see we need one another right now. This moment in time, we both are struggling. So I am here to hold your hand.
You have evolved, grown, and changed over the last 14 months. You cannot compare yourself to others. I recognize the signs of depression, and you are exhibiting them. Take a deep breath. Realize at the moment it is mostly depression talking. There's probably a truth in there we need to get out, but the depression is obscuring what that is.
Realize I am right here with you, all these miles away - shedding tears because I can feel your pain and wish I were right there to help. So allow my spirit to help, please. I believe people meet in life exactly when and where they are supposed to meet them. So, we're new friends, right? Except we share something awful, something very few people will ever fully understand. We want to Do better, Be better, so we were brought together.
Realize that your emotions have taken over. Take another deep breath. I'm here. Feel the love from my heart to yours - pure and wanting to help. Take another deep breath. Now you probably want to cry. Go ahead, and do it. Let the yuck wash out, and let the sunshine in. I'm right here.
Thank you for kind and supportive words Ancaire. Some of these feelings and thoughts are definite rumination and depression drive. But....I think some of this is also shift. I am frustrated with being feeling less than and I find that it is cage of my own making. Right now this me seeing the whole for the first time and teetering on the edge knowing I have control over doing and feeling and thinking different things.
The emotional sad response to feeling this frustration is old. I haven't quite yet developed a new way of responding to insight like this. Emotional overwhelm is first response and I haven't quite developed the stop response. To stop myself from plunge into to a pool of sadness and overwhelm.
All my queries and questions are valid I think. What is unnessary is the emotional overwhelm associated. I see it in others here struggling with similar responses. I feel I just beat myself up about a little more than most.
I forget that part of me posting about this is a goal and strategy for my change and growth. I tend to isolate, deal with everything on my own, and not ask for help. I tend to avoid my pain by helping and caretaking others. My recent posts are stepping outside of this and doing a 180.
I am finding this challenging exposing my level of crazy. But it feels necessary.
As you can see I have some more perspective and I less emotionally heightened this morning. My postings from yesterday remain true.
I also have reminded myself that my depression is my depression and I my recovery is different to others. I know I am quite an emotive person and prone to dramatic description, so likely I come off a lot crazier than I really am.
I am quite considered and calm person. My despair and worry is limited to myself. Although F.0 recent comments about our feelings leeching out has given my pause. Maybe I am acting out far more than I realise???
