Please excuse this stream of consciousness. There are myriad of feeling and thoughts traveling around my brain that need some sorting. And the attempts I am making to order them is providing limited relief or clarity.
So I am befuddled and confused about so many things at present. What if everything I thought I knew about myself and about my relationships with Mr M and Mr Ex was not in fact right. What does that mean?
This body image stuff has really started to f**k with my head and I'm not sure why. I feel I have sorted all of this into tidy boxes and classified and catalogued and ordered. I feel like someone has walked in a grabbed every single box and turned them upside down in the middle of the room.
I am confused about what I have been doing for the last 14 months. If I don't understand anything of what has happened in last 33 years, who would?
I read Zues letter to newcomers. And Im reading it and I am thinking , I don't have that level of clarity about my role in my relationships ending or my partners role in it. I just assumed it was all my fault and I think I stopped there. Rationalizing, imagining, creating wonderful reasons why it's always, my fault.
I look at all those that came to the board at the same time I did. I see the immeasurable growth, wisdom, clarity and calm they possesses. And wonder what pill did I miss out on that I am still here wondering how to do this thing, we call growing and changing.
Why am I so committed to ways of being and thinking that make me so very unhappy. Why am I clinging to a story of pain and heartbreak. When there a much happier, lighter story to be told and lived. What am I so scared of?
I feel indulgent asking these questions while others are still in the midst of so much pain, with greater losses to be had than what I have been through. But even that makes me think. There are so many people who have grown through far deeper tragedies and heartbreak than mine. And yet they experience their lives with such authenticity and joy.
Something is not right in the state of Denmark.
I have dreams and wants and wishes and I am so scared of saying them aloud. Of even having them. I deny my own voice. I ignore. What is the price of ignoring yourself?
Have I evolved, grown, changed over this 14 months. I don't know. I can't say with any confidence that my internal or external life is any different. Or is it? Am I so accustomed to ignoring anything good in myself that I wouldn't recognise if it bit me on the bum.
I know there are qualities I have the make for a good partner. But I am so scared of more rejection I can't accept, won't accept that someone could actually see them. I am a theory only kind of woman. In theory I have all the qualities that any good solid man would want, and desire and be happy to have. In practice, maybe not so much.
I am perplexed, annoyed, scared, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed...where to from here?
I need a plan because I am probably the most lost I have been in 14 months, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure where to start. I should probably know.
Help
JellyBxxx
PS: Please forgive my indulgent navel gazing, but all this kinda hurts.
