I did say I would drop by your thread to share some of my own experience with you.
My H too had a PA with a co-worker (before we were married but while we were living together, so it made no difference to me, I still consider it infidelity and cheating). I did not find out about it until after it was over, when we were married and during the 7 month of my first pregnancy when OW (who apparently could not let go) came to my home to reveal all and boy did she reveal all. She wrote me a rather lengthy, ponographic sounding letter that just killed me. I could not sleep for a long time afterwards. It helped that the A was over and OW was no longer working in the same company but the pain was not any less.
Anyway, we have managed to get over this sitch together and yes, your M can become better. IMHO you have to learn to:
- have full forgiveness, let it go, trust your H and never bring it up again in anger or to question anything that still stays in your mind (of course there will always be questions "Why this and that?") but learn to let it go. Sometimes its not necessary to know every detail. It may hurt even more. - do not second guess yourself or question yourself. You will of course try to be the best W and companion to your H as you possibly can be. Do this for yourself (because you want to be a better W and person overall) and not because you felt guilty that your actions/inactions contributed to the A. H is totally responsible for his actions at the time. - I think a total cut-off from OW is very necessary including throwing away whatever token he is still keeping (you've mentioned this a few times). If your H is serious about your M, not hurting you and is definitely over the A, tell him how much these little reminders of the A hurts you and tell him to get rid of it. I had H remove all email, tel nos and whatever contact nos he had of OW and he had no problems with doing it. - like most OW who cannot let go, your H must be firm with her or there will be no end to it. In my case the A was over for more than a year but OW still felt the need to come to my house to pull of a silly stunt like that. She sobbed uncontrollably in front of me and told me how she wanted to end it all by driving around recklessly. They will make threats like that to your H just to get sympathy but I guess the crazier they act the further your H will pull away from them. - after you have done whatever is necessary for you to bury the past, move on, forget about it (ok, ok you won't forget about it, I haven't but what I meant is don't let something in the past continue to cause hurt in your present and future with H). Enjoy your new found R with H. Make the most of it. - Believe in your H especially since he has been honest with you and been talking to you about OW. I found it easier to put myself on the same side as H ie me and him against OW as opposed to me against him and OW. By listening to him and validating and not accusing him, we have been able to discuss honestly how to deal with the sitch of making sure OW is out of our lives.
Got to run for now but if I think of anything else useful I can post to you, I will or if you don't hear from me, I may have gone into labor!
