Sotto, I think you are right - it is years for many rather than months. For someone as impatient as I can be at times, that is tortuous. However, in the meantime, there's always GAL - which you have set the example for beautifully. I'm so glad you had a fun week last week, but I'm also very happy you will have a chance to be restful this week.
I often wonder what it would be like for me if H and I had no contact. The weeks he is on the west coast are easier, which is weird because some of those weeks he is in constant contact. When he is here, in the next town with our son it's harder for me. Sometimes that's because he is pushing and unreasonable and his frenetic energy is hard to deal with. Other times it's because I miss the old pre-MLC mate.
I think you are right to just let it simmer on the stove for a while. Good analogy. Sending love and hugs, -B.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Busy day at work today and a quick catch up on the forum before I go out with a couple of women from the Divorce Recovery Workshop for a drink.
Heard from my L today. Looks like H has provided these outstanding accounts, although my L has raised a couple of queries on them. She also advised that a date has been set for the Decree Nisi to be issued (8th Jan.) H can file for the Decree Absolute from 22nd Feb onwards, and if he doesn't I could apply for it from 3 months after that. Looks like the D could be final before the end of Feb.
I'm not sure how the house sale/financial picture fits into all of that - but it's all in process and I'm in competent legal hands, so I won't worry too much. Looks like my L will be off until early Jan from this week, so doubt I'll hear much more in the meantime.
Had a Xmas team lunch today. Someone told a story about a nice former male colleague of ours. In his 40s, he suddenly ditched his job and his W, and moved to London with another woman. We were all pretty shocked. I can recall talking to him and being surprised he didn't seem at all upset about the ending of the M. My boss told me that he and his W got back together again, and it seems like he had some sort of huge midlife crisis, followed by regrets and a return to his W. Always interesting and heartening to hear these stories - but then got back home to the stuff from the L - oh well.
Hope you are all having a good day my lovely DB friends xx
Last edited by Sotto; 12/15/1506:43 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Want to be here for you as you were there for me during the final D. It seems we are going through the process and it is just a date but it was not for me.
That day was filled with excruciating pain and the days that followed that were with so much of many feelings altogether and they drove me to the ground.
It took me a little over a month to just get my head out of the water.
So, I want to be here, it is a painful time and I am glad that you are surrounding yourself with friends and activities. I will help you.
Is not that funny that we hear over and over about these many stories of someone living and then coming back. For some it are months and some it take years, but there are surprising lot of stories of the WAS coming back with their tale between the legs asking for an old piece of bread.
Sometimes I even wonder what happen on their brains and they have this kind of MLC effect. And why other people like us can go through life without losing it.
I can only get to a conclusion on my own sometimes, that the people that get this MLC effect in some dimension they lose it, it is because they are weak in their core. A combination of many values and feelings that make them weak to stand up at the difficult times and endure the pain trying to solve the problem. So they escape.
Well, in my analogy we are the great ones. Ha Ha. I actually have fun with this. "Pink Sam, the daughter of the moon, have it all figured out and is ready for the next war, she holds the power of understanding it all now." Kkkkkkk.
Sorry, just joking a little, have been feeling better these days and I like to be silly sometimes.
Hope you are enjoying life beautiful, and I won't disappear on you.
Ah, thanks so much Pink. It is good to have you around my friend. I had a nice evening out with two women from the divorce recovery workshop. Looks like the three of us will go out again some time soon. We talked about our sitches, ourselves, life in general and had some good laughs.
Feeling a bit ugh this morning. H very much been on my mind since I heard from the L yesterday. Did a bit of online snooping this morning. I know - poor idea. Not done that for many months and it reminded me that it's not good for me. Didn't find anything important out - just not a nice feeling when you do it. Also feeling an urge to be in contact, which I'm resisting. I think it is best that I let things drift until the new year. Then I can start making plans for 2016.
Interesting one of the women last night is five years out from BD and D a few years ago. She got together with another guy pretty soon after BD and that R ended last year. It does seem to be a theme with many of these R's that start up quickly during a traumatic period.
Anyway - how I feel today does remind me that I feel pretty good most of the time now and don't obsess much about H and our sitch - so that's a good thing. I'll just keep working through it all. Oh, one thing I did learn was H's most recent purchase was for a stress relief massager - my Dad had one and I can recall H and I trying it out a while ago - so I guess he or someone close to him is feeling some pressure...
Oh well, time to stop worrying and wondering about him - this too shall pass....
Have a good day all xx
Last edited by Sotto; 12/16/1510:23 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If I recall, last XMas was very hard for you as well. You like these holidays and miss H during this time. It's like some melancholic time for you.
It will pass as you said, time does not stop and soon enough we will be in 2016, and hopefully will be a better one for us.
Sorry to ask again but is stepson spending some time with you during the holidays?
Stress relief massage...hummm, you are right, he is in complete distress. The D may be what he wants now, but I am sure he also thinks if this is the right thing to do. Sometimes we think that we are in a bad spot and we can't even consider that they are also suffering, but I think they are, and it should be very hard for them too.
Hope the day gets better for you and you can enjoy it. I would say that when you feel this way, to just let it be. I think it is even healthy to think about, remind yourself why you are still standing for your M.
Time is a good friend not only for you, but also for him. What will happen tomorrow is out of our control, but you have today that is totally yours.
Hi Sotto. The L papers can't be easy and it's best to accept the feelings and then move forward as quickly as you can
The whole D process is a weight and while it's not welcome it coduld be a process that may actually help lift the weight off
It's easy only a piece but it does hold a huge importance in regard to where you thoughts are and the if / when's etc. I know from previous posts the D paperwork was always on the back of your mind
I suppose the only advice I can give is to remind you what an incredible , caring , intelligent , insightful , warm , funny , loving , gentle person wrapped up in a very attractive package !!!!!
Sotto honey I'm sorry this is coming up at this time of year. sending big hugs your way.
Pink, I think what makes one person have a MLC vs another is how they deal with their childhood issues/trauma. I don't think it's so much damage from childhood as it is how it's dealt with. I think everyone has troubles growing up to one degree or another, but some have the capacity to look within and do the necessary work on themselves and others just blame everyone else or look for a "quick" fix. Newsflash for those people: the "quick" fix is going within and doing the work. Know what I mean? The rest is just running until as Bono says, you run to stand still ...
Anyway forgive me - just chiming in with an opinion on the point you raised Pink because I've thought about it a lot these many months.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Glad to hear you will spend sometime with SS. I feel sorry for this child. I always feel very sorry when I child needs to endure all their parent's nightmares. Hope he has some fun time with you.
The D seems sometime like just a piece of paper, but some other times, at least for me, it is the end of sometime dear for me. The fact that M has value for me, makes me think that once was a reason for so much excitement, now it is resumed in a piece of paper.
Time is a friend in many ways. After the D is done, comes some peace inside that at least it is resolved. The agony is out of the every day life.
That after signing a piece of paper people are done for good. Some may be and some will rethink their choices. The fact is that it doesn't need to be the end. Some people go around just to find out that what they had was the right fit all along.
Pamper yourself during this time. I am very happy knowing that you are always interacting with other people, learning and growing every day. You are all what RD said and more.
You will be happier again, life may be changing lanes for now, but it will show you a path for more accomplishments.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Take care beautiful. (((((((Toots)))))))
RD - thank you so much. You made me cry again. It is lovely that you see me that way and I appreciate you telling me that.
Bttrfly - I agree. I wouldn't describe H's childhood as traumatic - M&D both around and no major dysfunction or OP etc. However, he always described his Dad as emotionally unavailable and his Mum only really acknowledges pleasant things and doesn't want to face anything unpleasant and I know the kids have found that hard. But essentially, I think it is all about general coping skills and coming to terms with 'damage' from an earlier time in your life.
Pink, yes I'm looking forward to seeing SS. We'll have lunch with M&D, then I plan to take him to the bookstore and introduce him there too. I see what you're saying about the D - sad on the one hand and perhaps a relief on the other. I'll certainly be glad to have more financial security than I do now. You are right about the level of interaction. Life has been pretty busy and social right now and that does help me.
I was training all day yesterday and at the bookstore this morning. I may be out with a girlfriend tonight and I'm meeting up for lunch with my oldest friend and her S tomorrow. Monday is bookstore again, plus friends for coffee and helping out Santa on his sleigh in the evening!! Then a Xmas buffet in the office on Tuesday....all busy.
The slight dilemma I have is, should I wish H a Merry Xmas (we've not been in touch for a few weeks) or just leave it? I wasn't planning on getting a present or card for him. I think the most I would do is text....but I'm not sure whether to do that TBH...thoughts??
My last thing is, I've noticed that I feel rather better towards OW lately. Less angry & more balanced. Recognising she is just a young woman (probably with some damage as her last two R's were A's) trying to get her needs met and find happiness. It's unfortunate that I happened to be around and got hurt in the process - but I feel my feelings are settling somewhat wrt her. So that's progress I think.
Hope everyone is enjoying some pre-Xmas cheer xx
Last edited by Sotto; 12/18/1502:21 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
