I have decided that my limit is 1 glass of wine from now on. I broke down and had what was probably the biggest crying fit of my life, and that includes BD, I punched the floor so hard that my hand is swollen and bruised today, I told him how much trauma and pain he has caused me in the last 10 months. I said I still loved him and would do anything to make this work but that I am at my breaking point with the pain, his nonstop anger, his unwillingness to be transparent about OW, his talking about me with his parents, etc, I said that I can not take those things one more day and as of tomorrow my new goal was going to be learning how to stop loving him.
He said he can't make his anger just disappear but he was working on it. Said he was "trying to love me" and a lot of other stuff. Some good, some awful.
Also revealed that he has been thinking of suicide since 2010.
At one point he commented on the amount of crying I was doing, I said that is 26 years worth of love and respect coming out of me and leaving my body. For good.
It was actually very therapeutic for me but I am not proud of myself and feeling very embarrassed today. And my hand hurts.
This morning he gave me a $300 gift card and made me a cup of tea. I just got back from the grocery store and he asked me to go to starbucks with him in a little while.
I know that what I did was not "dropping the rope" because it was noisy and messy and in his face, but I think I personally needed that release before I actually dropped the rope. I have had so much pain building up inside. I feel like I about to have a physical and mental breakdown, my chest hurts, my jaw hurts, I can't sleep, I cry too much. Its not as bad as post-BD but in the last 6 weeks it has gotten worse. He now knows that I am in severe pain and that I want off the roller coaster.
I was pretty sure that things were over but then this morning with the gift card and now he is being nice? I honestly have so much hate and love for him mixed together right now, it is obvious to me that he just can't be a husband to me right now. He just can't be. I am not taking any action legally and I will not have any more outbursts. I will continue to DB and I truly believe for me at least, that I needed this outburst to clear the air so I can move on. I had certain things that needed saying. It probably set him back a year on his therapy. It probably was a mistake.
