"Yes I read DR and am trying to read it again but keep putting it down out of anger thinking why do I have to be the one to do all of this work when I am not the one who strayed when I am not the one who became so obsessed with someone else i risked and lost it all."
Rain, this was exactly my experience too, and I want to tell you, it's the wrong road to go down.
You have to get over the idea that anything is going to be fair right now. It isn't. Again, you can put your foot down and say "I'm not doing this/shouldn't have to change because it isn't my fault this happened and he was the one who did this to me" (and you'd be well within your rights to do so), but that's not what is going to bring your husband home. Take it from someone who walked that path... being right is cold comfort when you lose your best friend forever.
I am going to guess that your H probably has some pretty great qualities outside his current behavior, or else you wouldn't want to be with him. That being the case, I am also guessing he probably did not seek to have an A to hurt you. So why did he do it? What was missing from your lives? How did you both need to love one another better? It really helps if you can stop looking at the A as something that was done to you rather than something that happened to the relationship because there were joint issues or ways you both needed to improve. Then it becomes less about you feeling like a victim, and more about "how can we work together as a couple to solve this problem and get back on track?"
It is hard... I am not going to kid you. Someone could have told me the things I am telling you until they were blue in the face and I would not have listened to them until I was ready. In fact, it wasn't until H actually left me that I finally put it together myself. Go to counseling if you can. Journal. Deal with your feelings. Putting them behind you and being able to go to your H with an open heart is THE first step toward recovery.
