"Do you believe in any other way of reconciliation?"
Yes. I believe there are 100's of paths to reconciliation and that God has the power to restore, redeem, repair and grant the gift of repentance to anyone at any time.
You or anyone really are free to pursue whatever path you deem best for you and reap the rewards and/or consequences of those choices. It's your life.
That being said I think there are good choices among those 100's of paths, better choices and a couple best choices therein. But that's just my lay opinion. Just because I was able to save my marriage a decade ago and help many others save theirs (or become contented divorcees that have since happily remarried) doesn't make me an expert. I didn't go to college for this and build a counseling, psychology and sociology foundation to my knowledge base. Personal experience is valuable but it's not overriding a hundred years of practice by many smart persons who have been in the trenches of marital counseling for 25-50 years. I think there is an objectivity when you study experts and ponder/present their ideas without the vested interest in "selling" those ideas to make a living. Gottman used to be on a team of researchers that promoted Imago Therapy. Later he did a study and found Imago Therapy to be no better than doing nothing - (the placebo group faired just as well as the Imago Group). He concluded also that his prior studies attempting to predict divorce based upon compatability (which they then sold as premarital "compatibility" counseling aids) didn't work. So there's a lot of flux in the business of marital advice and counseling and it's REALLY hard to study (because how do you design an accurate test - who has to be the control group and what "placebo" can you give the control group - wouldn't horrible counseling be obvious and you can't just give them nothing and every couple is unique and they may just reconcile all on their own whether in the study group or the control group).
So....getting back to the question. I feel currently that a couple of "plans" in these situations are more likely than not going to be more successful than other plans (i.e.- your best shot). Also, IMO "success" isn't necessarily determined by reconciliation alone. To truly be successful the marriage needs to become better than before....to make the ordeal worth it. Also, it's "successful" if someone utilizes a plan and still ends up divorcing, I think it's a wonderful tribute to their coach when they can tell him/her that they'd do it again the same way. That they don't regret and resent the unfruitful effort they made to attempt to save their marriage and family. That's a difficult balance to achieve but something you need to think about as you seek advice in your situation and incorporate opinions into your personal plan.
I don't have my own plan. I've been accused a couple times here lately of promoting my own plan. This is MWD's website. I try very hard to make suggestions and give opinions within the framework of divorce busting concepts. IMO, it's one of the good plans I mentioned above and she's been at this a lot longer than me.
What do I believe are the universal truths in all the best plans.
1. Truth - you can't win a war without knowing the enemy and you can't recover your marriage without full basic knowledge. Truth is foundation of any relationship much more so than trust. ("basic" = you don't need to know everything but you have to know the basic truths about your life = is she having an affair or not).
2. Until the affair is over and no contact is achieved nothing "works". The affair has become their primary relationship ---- their primary addiction - and just like the crack head everything they do or say is predicated upon that primary relationship/addiction. You can either pull back, GAL, 180, sit and wait and or "stand" waiting for the incredible destructive and hurtful affair to end all on it's own (as they inevitably almost always do eventually) or you can fight it tooth and nail but either way, you're not going to truly reconcile until "no contact" is achieved. Recovering alcoholics can't hang out in bars, recovering crack heads can't hang out on inner city street corners and recovering way wards can't keep working with the "other person" or being facebook friends with the "other person" or even living down the street from the OP.
3. If your spouse's affair partner is married, they need to be told about the affair just as you'd hope they inform you if they knew about it. It's the right thing to do and no matter the ramifications and consequences, no one ever regrets doing the right thing.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
