Back on these forums again 4

[Ancaire]

Now, the more I think about my H the more I cringe. If he was a stranger I would never, in a million years, pick him. I would pick the man I married, but not this man.

With this one sentence, you beautifully describe the reason I was finally able to just. let. go.

This man? There is nothing I admire about him at all. The fact that he chose to become this man? I don't know what to think - other than he must be mentally ill in some way. He has become exactly what he swore not to...so very strange.

[Mona52]

It is strange, but not for us to worry about. There is a ton of material on MLC. Reading all about does make the process easier if you are bound and determined to stand and wait. Because it describes everything that is indescribable. It helps you look at your H with compassion and understanding, even when they are at their worst.

I choose not to read the material right now. If he gives me a reason I will, but it looks like I still have a very, very long time to go until he hits rock bottom, and I wont sit around wallowing about his issues.

My 17 year old D might someday get married. But I wont lose sleep now worrying about what flowers she will want, or if her dress will fit. Those problems are years away, and I have no idea WHAT her problems will be, so worrying now cant help.

My R is at the minimum a year away, most likely 2, so he can go and do what he wants. I cant control it, fix it or be a part of it, so I might as well just ignore it, unless there is a reason for me not to ignore it.

[job]

Mona,
Your last posting is very spot on, i.e., you can't fix or control him. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

If you dig deep into your memory, you should be able to recall that MLC's major element is depression and their dealing w/childhood issues.

Yes, your h has a very long way to go and you need to give him plenty of space and time, i.e., enough for him to choke on it.

The past is gone, the future is far off and we do not know what will happen in the future....but...the present is a gift and one that we all should use wisely. Live your life to the fullest because we do not know what the future holds for any of us. It's okay to move forward and leave the door ajar. Do not stop and wait on him...continue to move forward and if and when he wakes up, he'll have a lot of work to do to catch up w/you.

When you are ready, the MLC Forum is there to assist you. There are a number of good postings over there that will help you better understand MLC/Depression that takes over the minds of many in crisis.

[Ancaire]

I've done a lot of reading on MLC, thank goodness. I believe it's the main reason I haven't completely lost my mind. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's way too early to make decisions about standing or anything right now.

I've been hurt so deeply by this that I have a lot of healing to do, on many levels. I'm going to be totally selfish and just take care of me. I tried, desperately, to help him. He didn't want my help. So, it'll break my heart, but I'm giving him what he says he wants. Me gone. But I'm not leaving on his terms. I'm doing that on mine.

I'm going to follow your lead in finding a job I love (I haven't heard back from the one I was so excited about - but it could be another week or so before they're finished with interviews. I know they liked me. Fingers crossed.) I'm going to get out and about and make new friends, do new things, figure out who I am and become the best version of me I can be. I'll keep coming here, because I can't stay away! LOL

I really understand you, though. I know you love your H, still - so I sense a kindred spirit with you. I still love the one I had for a while. If he ever makes a return, I'll DB like crazy until he's mine again. LOL

I did plenty wrong in the marriage. I'll work on correcting the things I'm actually able to change. I can't do a personality makeover, but I don't want one. I'm already figuring out there's lots about me that I like. H had me brainwashed into his point of view regarding me, but that spell is over.

I hope you have a great day, my dear!

[Mona52]

Thanks Snodderly! I think I may come to the MLC board and hang out for a bit too

Judy, I was dying to know about the job, but with so many things happening, I did not want to pressure you by asking! I am glad it is still on the table.

[Mona52]

Yesterday I started texting a guy I met on Sunday. Nothing major, just vague stuff like weather and having fun on Sunday.

It was innocent to me because i thought he lived 2 hours away. I flat out do not have time to fit in a relationship where i have to drive 2 hours.

It was like air being able to text a human during the day about nothing. I understand I am vulnerable right now. My ego was shattered and this guy really made it feel so much better, so texting with a tiny hint of flirting was unbelievably exciting.

So we bantered while I was at work and some more last night. Then I found out I was wrong about where he lives. He only lives an hour away. That changes alot, so I need to stop and think about what I am doing.

I refuse to wait alone for years again, but I absolutely refuse to hurt some guy who does not deserve it. There is zero chance we would be compatible in a serious relationship because he is a bit on the vain side. So I do not want to lead him on in thinking if he puts the time and effort into this, it can go anywhere.

But we only sent a few texts back and forth, I can't just blurt out "I'm not going to ever marry you" LOL

Actually, I could. That is the beauty of my time right now. It is a gift I can do whatever I want with! But I dont want to be destructive.

During our conversations on Sunday and yesterday, it became very apparent he is a visual guy. He said things like he enjoyed watching the way I danced, and my hair looked pretty. Then he said one thing that made me realize he was vain. I don't remember his exact words, but they were something like if he did not think I was pretty he would not have asked me to dance. It was supposed to be a compliment, I'm sure.

So, here is where I am happy I met him. I had three kids, and I quit smoking. I also am over 40. In my eyes, my weight and belly are (sorry if this next word offends anyone) ugly. I hate that word, but there is no other word to describe it.

This guy seems very visual and says I'm pretty. My H is also very visual. Unfortunately, even though he said I was pretty, I was always covered since the babies. There are certain...activities... I would not do a certain way, because I felt too much of my body might show.

I was reading a psychology paper on what men really think about a woman's body. And apparently, they have no real issues with a few extra pounds. The article said that women know that a man COULD be James Bond, but no woman would be upset because her H does not dress in a tux and perform death-defying stunts every night. Yes, men know that there are supermodels, but they care more about how a woman feels about herself.

So, if I woman thinks she is fat, it is a turn off to both him and her. But even if she is heavy, if she feels like a goddess, he will see her as a goddess.

In future R (hopefully with H), I want to be able to not jump under the covers with the light off if my partner is a visual creature. Or I can look for a vision impaired partner and end my embarrassment.

So I have been practicing with this guy. Every single time he gave me a compliment, I simply said thank you. I tried to portray outward that I was used to hearing this and it is normal for me. I made ZERO derogatory remarks about my weight.

I tried to tell myself no one asked him to look at me, so it was his choice and if he did not like it, he could have easily turned his head.

So, without hurting him. I would really like to practice with him or getting past my feelings of ugly. But I do not want to rely on what he thinks as my self worth. I have to get to a point where I can see myself.

So there are things I have to completely watch out for:

1. I cant lead him on and hurt him. PERIOD
2. I cannot depend on him to feel good or bad about myself
3. I cant let my emotions guide me. Yes it is unbelievably exciting, but it is normal for a initial high. It wont last.

Here are things I want to learn if I can, without going too far.
1. Accept a compliment. Not just accept it, expect it (My Lord, did I just say that?)
2. Find out what another person needs and not what you thing they should need.

Things I want

1. Laugh, try new things, and laugh some more.
2. Prove to myself that I am not doomed to live life alone.
3. Be in the life of a man that does manly things like use a hammer, install the air conditioner in a window, fix the vacuum, lift a heavy box (shirtless of course).

[JksD]

Mona, you have no idea how much I want a R with a man who can do manly things like use a hammer too! And if he would talk to me, like really talk to me like a decent human being, that would be heavenly. And he must also let me snuggle. Non -negotiable, the last 2 terms.

[Ancaire]

Mona - that's some good solid thinking! I'm quite pleased with you. You need to some how casually let him know that you're working through a lot of things right now, and anyone looking for a romance will be very disappointed. But if they're looking for a friend to hang out with - you're their girl! You might even ask him for help. Use the "I've been talking to this guy and thinks he's getting too serious - how do you think I should..." line. He'll get the message, but you may get some good lines for the rest of us to use.

No way are you doomed to live life alone! Heck, I'd snap you up in a heartbeat, if only....well, you know. I like guys. No offense. LOL

[Mona52]

I like guys too Judy or I would have already been in Tx

If he asks for anything more than dancing and a few text messages, I will not be subtle. I will flat out let him know I am a cheeseless tunnel LOL

I plan on asking him for help in a million ways if he is up for it. I want to learn how to give another person what they want, instead of what I think they want. And I want to learn how to ask for what I want, instead of making them 'figure it out'. It is hard because I have been mom for almost 18 years. I was not allowed to 'want' anything. I was there to get them what they wanted. So this is all brand new to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------


I can see how an A can be so destructive. I did not text the guy I met at all yesterday. I dont want him to think he is a large part of my life right now.

But every time my mind hit on anything sad, I just thought about something he said, and I could instantly bring a smile to my face.

I have a personality type that I love to laugh and smile and it is what I constantly do. Until the last 7 or 8 months... Now I feel like I am back in my own skin.

I went through the D papers yesterday and made post it notes on each page explaining to jerkface what he needed to do, or what that page meant. Then I threw the papers in my shed out back and sent him a text:

Me: Papers are done and in the shed

I sent that yesterday at like 5:00 pm, he never replied. I have not checked the shed to see if he got the papers.

On Monday I told my S we were going to get him a haircut

"We can't. Daddy told me he was going to pick me up tomorrow to do it."

"tomorrow" was yesterday... H was a no call, no show. Shocking.

Today S has his second session with his IC. But it is his first session alone. He really enjoyed the first session so I hope it is good for him.

Then I have a ton of wrapping to do. I have so many presents to wrap. I started watching Entourage yesterday. It was s series on HBO. It is over now, but all 8 seasons are ON Demand. So I started watching episode 1, season 1 and it was pretty funny. Not appropriate for children, but funny for me.

I will pop that back on and laugh and wrap presents.

My mom has a fake tree, so I will put that monstrosity up and get the presents under that and out of my cluttered bedroom! A clearer bedroom will take some stress off, so that is great.

[Mona52]

Mona, you have no idea how much I want a R with a man who can do manly things like use a hammer too! And if he would talk to me, like really talk to me like a decent human being, that would be heavenly. And he must also let me snuggle. Non -negotiable, the last 2 terms.

We can only blame ourselves with the whole feminists stuff. Poor poor men. If the are manly we accuse them of no feelings. If they have feelings, we accuse them of not being manly.

If I were a guy, I think I would err on the side of manly no feelings...