Hi Msd! I don't know of any good resources - but I can stop by with sympathy and understanding.
I can help with some insight into why H does what he does. It's simply that he can. Now that I've stepped outside my M, and I'm kind of looking from the outside in, I've begun noticing the instant H gets bored and decides to toy with me. It's like he's a cat, and I'm his favorite toy mouse. He just wants to chew on his mouse...that's all. I'm learning that part of the problem with H's like ours is that they don't see us separately from them; even when we're thrown away, we're still their rubbish. He'll think of you with some level of ownership forever. Selfish people really are the center of their own universe.
So, we have to do all we can to reduce our exposure to them. Do not squeak when he bites down (toy mouse) so he'll get bored and go away. If we bore them, we're safe. If we fight back, well then they just get excited. As much as it will sting your pride to do it, if I were you, I would playact the role of beaten down and defeated soon to be ex-wife in front of them both. Do everything through your L.
It will make this time go so much more smoothly until it is finished. You only have to back down until then. You can seek revenge later if it's still what you want. He won't be held accountable. He'll never see it. No matter what he does, it will be as the result of something that what done to him by someone else.
My H targets my parenting because he knows how much it means to me to be a good mom. If he can harm me there, he's really done some damage. Remove your squeaker! Whatever he says DOES NOT mean ANYTHING. He just wants to destroy you. Because it makes him feel better about himself, superior.
Did he ever love you? Yes. He really thought he did at one point. The real problem is that he loves himself more. There's something missing in him, some damaged part that just makes it impossible for him to truly have compassion and real love for any other person. HE is important. It's all about him. I feel sorry for him actually, because he will never really understand love in it's purest form. He's broken in a really sad way.
My H does a good job of playing the role of good dad. Like you, I'm actually happy about it. You and I both know the role he's taken on is more about him than them, but they will benefit from it. That's a good thing. Let's hope that this role stays important to him. He needs to keep busy volunteering with the kid's activities so he has plenty of people to impress. You can encourage him by saying things like, "D is always saying how much her other friends are jealous because her dad is always helping out." You're only pandering to his ego on things like this for the benefit of the children. My H still likes to impress people by "always being there for his kids, even though they're adults." My kids do benefit, though, so I'm okay with knowing what I know.
Msd, you could still go out with people. Just be upfront and tell them what's going on. Say that you're not in a place to have a full-fledged relationship. You're working through a lot of things, and don't want to put anyone in a position that might hurt them. But, if they're looking for a friend and company, you're a great bet. Be honest. Lots of people really just want to spend some time with someone. There is nothing wrong with looking out for others - it makes you a really nice person. Split the bills, keep it friendly and neutral.
Why you're feeling raw? You might be on to something with the PTSD. It's definitely related to anxiety. What are you doing to work through your emotions? You definitely need to let yourself feel them. I'll let others with more insight help out more on this topic.
My H had an episode yesterday. You'll see a lot of your H in it if you go read through what I posted. The only bad thing is I thought I caught the whole thing on audio - but my device stopped for some reason just as he got started. I'm aggravated about that. At least I called my L right after it happened, so there's some documentation. I'm so confused and stung by his cruelty, even though I know it's really more about him than me. I'm still human, so having all the rage directed at me is hard to deal with. It all boils down to him being upset because he's not getting his way.
I hope your week starts getting better. I'm glad you stopped in and posted. Maybe it'll stop you from reacting at something this week. That would be awesome, right?
