When you say no relationship talks, this is confusing. Do you just mean no talk of the future, no talk of the good days, etc.. or do you mean no talking at all about what led us to this point?
We haven't talked much about the infidelity, or the separation, or really anything since her trip and very little before.
Sorry you are here. I was told by a DB counselor that it is important to redevelop a friendship through positivity, but to stay away from all talks of relationship, present and past. To treat spouse as a good friend. No demands. (Can't say that is happening for me right now, but that was the advise). No pressure. Bringing up any relationship talk always backfires.
Unless spouse is involved in an active affair. Then advice seems to be different.
Your goals regarding health and fitness are great. Keep doing things that are good for you and will improve your confidence.
I really think that no matter what you do, cleaning, buying presents etc. spouse won't want you back until they fear you are gone. They can sense when you are truly detached.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thank you. This is going to be really hard, because I know she will want to talk at some point, being that we didn't really go through it when it all happened. But she forced me to go through it on my own, so it is time to force her to go through it on her own.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
You are absolutely right, it is going to be hard. The good news is that it is going to be worth it! Detaching is important. Part of detaching is no relationship talk of any kind.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I stopped sending good morning texts, have a good day texts, hope you are well emails, etc late last week I think it was.
I had to send a couple tangible emails related to our finances yesterday, but nothing relationship related.
Today, she sent me a text wishing me to have a good day today. It felt nice, and sincere compared to the normal forced communications we had been doing for years prior.
Cristy, I will be calling to do some of the phone counseling, but I need to raise some funds first. Hopefully by the weekend or next week.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Met with EAP at work again, and am setting up with a therapist she knew who had great experience with situations like mine from past referrals. Good news is my wife, even though we do not share health insurance, can use my benefit for a bunch of free visits in addition to mine when she starts her own solo therapy for her anxiety, depression, grief, and issues with not being able to get past things that have happened in the past.
Last edited by mbebos; 12/16/1508:10 PM.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
No R talks because they will be too emotionally charged and you might end up begging, pleading reasoning etc to stay together.
Also the longer the time before the next R talk, the longer YOU have to change into that man ANY woman would be a fool to leave.
Think of the MAN you would like to be?? Are you that Man , how can each action you do get you closer to that man.? Are you a nice guy who has been walked over? Has W treated you like a doormat?
Have you read No More Mr NiCe Guy or Hold on to Your NUTS?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
No contact with OM. He cannot contact her legally. I have lost a lot of myself over the years. I used to be motivated, goal driven, knew what I wanted, and was a happy person. Unfortunately loss and pain put me back into the way I was as a child. I was bullied, beat up, socially anxious, and went along to get along.
I let myself get further and further down the despair hole and became functional, rather than living. I became needy and all of the things I was as a kid. I am very aware of what I have became. That is all going to change. No more self depreciating humor or being walked on. Time to get healthy and happy. If she did walk all over me, I know that it was never intentional, she is too good of a person but we were both unhappy and depressed.
Today has been one of the better days since it all happened,and it was a day with time by myself, which I find empowering. Hit the gym hard, had a good day at work, and am looking forward to the new old me. After the childhood issues and before the adult ones, but with a beginners mind as an adult.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Woke up this morning, feeling pretty good about yesterday, but feeling that dread again in the back of my mind. I was doing my morning prayers while driving and giving thanks for a good day yesterday, I drove by a horrific car accident, where a car had a tree or telephone pole through the front bumper and very close to being up to the firewall/windshield. There was no one in the car as first responders had taken the people out of the car, but I found myself thinking my problems do not seem so bad, and I prayed for that person and their family instead.
Killed it at the gym this morning. Starting my day with a workout has been great. I do it inside my company. I am normally a night shower guy, but the shower at the gym before starting my day makes me feel much better and more confident. Shirts that were a "no way" are now an "almost fits", shirts that were borderline are now fitting in the last month.
My goal is to be down another 30lbs by the end of March, bringing me up to 60lbs lost. By the end of July, I would like another 20-30 to be gone. I am hoping at my physical next month, because I was so close to the bottom border of pre-diabetic that the 30 lbs I have already lost will drop me back into a safe A1C, and that by the time I lost the 90 lbs I want to, that I will be in a normal A1C.
Beyond that goal weight of 250 lbs, I could stay there and be happy as it is not a bad weight for me, but I have a dream of doing P90X again. I did it 7 years ago, I went from 250 to 218 right after our wedding. I got almost 60 days into it, kicking butt and I got pneumonia/bronchitis that took a month to recover from, and my house flooded out and I lost my workout space and most of my living space. It has been a massive goal for me to do that program again.
So, 280 by end of March, 250 by the end of July. Start P90X in mid August.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Thought of another question. When detaching and getting a life and presenting yourself at your best to the WAS, how does having talks about her infidelity, about our relationship and digging to the root of our problems play out, if in those moments I am emotional? We have only spoken twice since the bomb and that was 3 weeks ago, and it was super emotionally charged where I do not think we said much of anything constructive.
I am a former WW, and I can tell you that trying to help things by talking to her about her infidelity, or even how the relationship got to this place, will only make matters worse. It is hard for the LBH to not talk about the problems, however, she will twist things and blame you for everything. Even if you take responsibility for everything......it will not fix what's wrong with her. She is not just a WAW; she is wayward. There will be very little resemblance of the girl you M, while she is wayward.
Until she can respect you as a man, she will not respect you as her H. If she doesn't respect you, she cannot experience those loving feelings for you. She will not feel attraction for you, even if you lose down to 180 lbs. This is how women are wired.
Almost everything you want to do to persuade her to change her mind and stay in the M, will feel like pressure to her. The best thing you can do is back off and leave her alone.
Since there have been A's on both side, there will be a need for therapy...once she is willing to commit to the MR. Right now, she's not ready and MC doesn't work if the WW doesn't want the M.
Most newcomers feel that their situation is different from the others on the board. However, if you read other threads, you'll see that there is a lot of similarity.
It is especially difficult during Christmas holidays. Do you have children?
Post every day, as much as you want. Don't get discouraged if you aren't getting as many replies as you want. It is a busy time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
