"Yes I read DR and am trying to read it again but keep putting it down out of anger thinking why do I have to be the one to do all of this work when I am not the one who strayed when I am not the one who became so obsessed with someone else i risked and lost it all."
Rain, this was exactly my experience too, and I want to tell you, it's the wrong road to go down.
You have to get over the idea that anything is going to be fair right now. It isn't. Again, you can put your foot down and say "I'm not doing this/shouldn't have to change because it isn't my fault this happened and he was the one who did this to me" (and you'd be well within your rights to do so), but that's not what is going to bring your husband home. Take it from someone who walked that path... being right is cold comfort when you lose your best friend forever.
I am going to guess that your H probably has some pretty great qualities outside his current behavior, or else you wouldn't want to be with him. That being the case, I am also guessing he probably did not seek to have an A to hurt you. So why did he do it? What was missing from your lives? How did you both need to love one another better? It really helps if you can stop looking at the A as something that was done to you rather than something that happened to the relationship because there were joint issues or ways you both needed to improve. Then it becomes less about you feeling like a victim, and more about "how can we work together as a couple to solve this problem and get back on track?"
It is hard... I am not going to kid you. Someone could have told me the things I am telling you until they were blue in the face and I would not have listened to them until I was ready. In fact, it wasn't until H actually left me that I finally put it together myself. Go to counseling if you can. Journal. Deal with your feelings. Putting them behind you and being able to go to your H with an open heart is THE first step toward recovery.
Hey Annab....his AP is an ex so someone he has history with... while i admit that of course we had issues and that I did many wrong things to put him in a position to think an A was a good choice. He readily admits he had not gotten over her before we started. And up until last week he was still telling her he misses and loves her and says how fabulous a person she is.
Makes me question if we (I at the moment) can really save our R.
And I will be working on the HW Pink gave me and will list his good qualities as well as what I have to work on within myself.
Thanks Anna for giving me a little of your story. I know that it is in hoping I don't follow the same path which can cause our R and family to be lost forever.
On a high note. Even though he hasn't contacted me and it hurts. I have not contacted him either. He asked for space and peace so I am giving it to him.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
If the goal is to R but you just had BD and he wants to rug sweep what would be a good DR/DB reply to him when he says he can't believe that though I have had many nasty things to say about his A (and i have but am trying to stop mentioning it or ow) that Ive yet to tell him that I miss him or invite him over for a meal to see the children?
Side note: i haven't told him i miss him (and i soooo do) because all signs point to his mental space being occupied by ow and reading the boards it seems anything loving i tell him would work against me right now.
Any advice is appreciated.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
Rain, it is a hard lesson to learn, and if you read my thread you will see how many times I bended and made it easy, comforting for my XH in hope he would just see it and think that it was wonderful and come back right away.
Unfortunately, when things get to this point, it is indeed the wrong approach. Now, that I am really getting away from my XH, that's when he invents many excuses to be around and texting me.
His OW, A, is his to own and resolve. The more you try to resolve it, the farther he will go from you.
It's very hard to get it at this stage you are in. But believe me when Michelle tell us it is not an easy task and be prepare for the hardest work you will do in you entire life, she was not joking.
First, a day at a time and a little improvement at a time, even if it is very little. Great that you are not calling, begging, using the kids as excuses, and is living him alone for now. It is very, very good and you should be proud of yourself.
Second, is there any way you can start working? Work helps a lot because it is some time you don't get consumed by your sitch, you also see and talk with other people, not only the kids in a house.
There will be moments of intense pain and depression. If it gets worse and you find yourself not being able to function, then set up an appointment and get yourself some mild anti depressant if you can.
It will help to take the edge away and you will feel better. How is your hair, weight, clothes? I know you are not in a mood for looking beautiful, you are more in a mood to sit in front of the TV, watching a sad movie, crying and eating a lot of ice cream. But you won't do it. This is for the movies. What you will do is to stand in front of the mirror and look for the person you want to be.
If you look good, you feel more confident, if you feel confident, then he will see that you are not in pieces and you are a strong, confident, mysterious woman only a fool would leave.
Let him blow his love, let him go after her just to have his heart broken in a million pieces, let him lose what he had and he will slowly see that he is an idiot.
He is kind of blind right now, but time goes by and with you out of the picture, then he will need to blame everything on himself.
Don't invite him to any dinner or for him to spend time with the kids. I know you dying to do this, but don't. If he ask to stop by the house to see the kids, then you say OK, when? Have the house organized, not a big mess. Look fresh and good, not over dressed up. When he is playing with the kids, be busy, doing something, away in your room, on your phone, whatever, but just let it be.
If he talks to you and mention anything about the sitch, bite your tongue but do not engage in any discussion about why this, why that, NEVER OW...never. Let him do the talk if he wants to, and then when you can say something, say you understand his reasons, you respect him and think that you both need some time to think about this.
Say that you have been thinking of all you have done or not done and is using the time to reassess your life till now.
You do not need to kiss his **s in any way, you do not need to punish him either. It's not about him anymore. It's about you. So, you can say that he is a good man and you understand he needs his time and space right now and that you will respect him.
Set his mind into respecting you by respecting him first. If he sees you screaming, crying, complaining, then he will respect you ZERO. But if he sees a person that is genuinely saying she understands him and is also thinking about her side of the story, then he will see a mature, independent woman that he can love.
You don't feel very strong right now, but just believe the process and you will feel better soon enough.
Keep doing the good stuff for yourself. After all, if you don't feel good, how he can be attracted to you? Or anyone to be honest.
So he expects you to be weak and want to tell him how much you miss him while he has OW! Maybe say your pride in yourself won't be a second choice regardless of how you may or may not feel.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I saw your question on your thread and i agree with sotto. He most likely meant you are out of his league.
And okay thanks for the suggestions. I will tell him just that and nothing else.
And I will not invite him over but I will let him come by if ge wants to spend time with them.
He insists the A is over. But beyond a few i am sorry i lied and i am sorry i hurt you his only other communication on A is to say if he really wanted her he would have left to be with her.
As for working i have been thinking of looking for at least part time work after the holidays.
My hair....no. It is not what i want. I need a dye job asap
My weight. No. Not where i want yet. I have started eating again but am doing well with portion control and eating a lot of veggies and salad. So i am happy about that.
My clothes. No....i absolutely need new things. I have put myself on the back burner since we were on one income.
And I started the list of things i see I need to change in myself. Self assessment is hard. So hard. But I will keep at it and post it when i am done.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
