in house S (5)

[vise82]

Hey,

I can see the point of W has a lot of benefits and not too much down side. This is a fine line. I know what the sitch is, but it seems to be changing, the dynamic is changing and I am making changes based on that. It seems to be going in a direction that I like. There has been no talk of OM or S, W has been home more and more open to doing family things. She is talking to me more. We are having better interactions.

Last night, I had the kids at an event, and W went to the gym, so I didn't see W till I got home with the kids. We all watched TV and then I put the kids to bed. W gave me a list of bills to pay, was all gifts. I had questions and she answered , there was no argument. I double checked about the gifts and W says they were from the kids to her family. Didn't really feel good about writing a check for it but I agreed to this before. I am just not used to all this gift giving when bills are outstanding. But like I said I agreed to it last month so moving on.

Wife asks me to help wrap S7 B-day gifts. She has the stuff where she watches tv and I go and help her wrap them. Then I stayed to watch TV. I stayed for one show. It was kind of weird because I didn't know if she wanted me there or not but she didn't kick me out. I left after the show and stated to get stuff ready for me making noise in the other room.

This morning S7 opens gifts and then Its time for me to leave for work. All of them are sitting on the ground and I hug each kid and tell them I love them and then I touch my W on the head as I walk by and say good bye.

It has been months since I have touched her like that so it was good to get past that point. She said good bye.

I get to work and she has texted me twice already, problems setting up the new game S7 got this morning. So I text her back and help get it worked out. Two hours later another text about other son giving her a hard time. So I text back validating her text.

Tonight we are going to take out S7 for dinner for his B-Day.

I am going very slow with this. I think I will keep it at this pace and let W lead on how much space she needs right now. I don't want to give her any pressure right now.

[SciDad]

Hi vise!

I've been following you, but I can't remember if I've posted yet. I'm so glad to see things slowly improving for you. It's hard to stay patient, but I try to remember how long my W felt horrible in my marriage. Those feelings don't end right away and will take a very long time to heal.

Which is why it feels like I'm trying to domesticate a wild animal at times, cautiously feeding my W emotional support....

[vise82]

Hey SciDad,

Very well put, feeding a domesticated wild animal. so true. Thanks for the laugh.

[isittoolate]

Hi Vise82 Nice to see subtle positive changes in the dynamic.

Do what works....try something, a touch?, note response and act? Try her Love language? not in a pursuing way, just softly and subtley..

Back off if she rebells...continue if positive. slowly, slowly.

My sitch is similar with in house separation and W mellowing/softening over the last few weeks. Am I strictly in the friend zone? Perhaps and probably, but its a helluva lot better than being resented, disrespected, etc.

My W's EA? Not sure what is going on other than phone calls on her way home via carphone - she probably rings him for 'a laugh' but still uses me for support when needed. i.e. her Fathers illness, W's problems with weird bloke in gym, her guilt and worries over S11, she is also asking for more favours - less rebellion, less trying to be super single mom.
The favours are the usual stuff I would be asked to do as a husband, give her a lift to garage, railway station, etc

Xmas is always our special time and I'm trying to remind W what she will miss if we have full separation.

[vise82]

hey isittoolate,

You have mentioned this to me before, love language. You think I would know what hers is, I have narrowed it down to three options, Quality time, gifts, physical touch.

I think mine would be acts of service , physical touch and affirmation.

She is definitely getting some quality time right now as a family, although I am still GALing.

No touch, but with last night I can try more. There is no reason I cant touch her back as I try to get past her in the hall?

And gifts, well I did show up the other day with stocking stuff for the kids.

I think it says something to how we don't share two of the three love languages. This is a new concept for me. In the past I would think she would want what I want. but now I can see I was wrong.

[isittoolate]

You don't do love languages until you are piecing but it's always good to know which primary and secondary love language is yr W's . Try to narrow it to 2 and get thinking, Quality Time what does it mean?

Quality time and gifts and Xmas - should be a useful,combination.

A walk in the park holding hands, quality time and physical touch, pick a flower as a gift?
A family afternoon bowling , QT and maybe touch and buy her a chocolate with her coffee?

Make her lunch for the next day and put a small note in it from the kids.

Small, subtle, don't expect acknowledgement, just do it and observe.

[vise82]

Hey isittoolate,

I know we are not piecing right now, I am almost positive if I push things W would get her back up and turn me down as she is so stubborn. So I can only do small things.

So Friday we took S7 out for his birthday dinner. It was nice, and fun. W was a little quiet as I tried to just small talk with her.

Then next day I took the kids to my work Kids Christmas party. W didn't want to go. After I took the kids to a maple syrup farm to buy a gift for MIL, I also picked up some small candy for my W. W went shopping with her girl friend. She was gone most of the day. She came back late in the afternoon. Her friend came in the house and asked me about my soccer, so W has told her all about it. They were nice to me which I was surprised. Friend left. I gave W the candy, she seemed ok with it. Then W wanted to go rent a movie for all of us to watch. W and I used to do that as a date night before kids were around. So we all watch a movie in the basement. Kids went to bed after and W stayed up stairs and watched TV.

Now all weekend W said to me like three or four times how her back was hurting her from working out. I don't know if it was a hint to offer a back rub or if she was just telling me her back hurt.

As you can tell. This is tough. She is not telling me anything. I am not asking anything. I am not really not happy with the way it is, with this not knowing how she feels about me. I am getting to the point where I want to push the issue or have a talk. I can only go so long like this.

Sunday we took the kids to get the photo with Santa, I had Soccer so we took two cars to the mall. We had some lunch after the photos. It was a good time. W talk to me a little more and we talked a little more about Christmas at her parents. I said good bye to the kids and W at the car and left for soccer.

Now soccer was early and I told W that seeing if she offered to watch my soccer or wanted me to go to her parents for diner. Nothing was offered. She went early to her parents so she couldn't watch, one of the kids asked about watching. She had plans to go shopping with her Mom to get ready for Christmas.

Looks like more people are going to be at her parents then I thought, her aunt is sleeping over, and her cousins are there the Christmas day. With the numbers I think they will have to put W and I in the basement. Will see if they put two beds down there.

I have questions about who I am getting gifts for, as W and I gave together, this year we wont, there was a pull a name out of a hat system that was stopped two years ago. I think we just get gifts for immediate family? W wanted to go over gifts tonight.

She wanted to go over the gifts last night but she didn't ask me. So this morning W is up and I say good morning and smiled. As I am about to leave she mentions about gifts. I said that I thought she wanted to do that last night, and she snapped back angry that she forgot about it. OK, I said good bye as I left and said nothing to me. So something is bothering her.

This morning I fought off the urge to give her a hug good bye like I do with the kids.

One day at a time.

[vise82]

Hey,

I am really making myself vulnerable right now. My heart is opening up with hope for my W. I just don't want to make a mistake or miss a chance or sign.

I am sure many have been where I am right now. I feel I am straying from DBing by not distancing myself from her.

Well she texted me about the car she normally drives, we both share cars. She has a problem with it. It was right to the problem and no greeting or hello. so blunt.

I gave it a couple of hours and I texted back. I said hello then asked where the sound was coming from.

I just have to keep cool and keep my head up, I can do this.

[vise82]

Hey,

W worked late and I took care of the kids, W came home and watched a Christmas movie with me and the kids. I put kids to bed and then I just laid in my bed. I am loosing energy for this sitch. I go down stairs and W wants to go over what we have for gifts for the kids. I get all the stuff I bought and it looks like we have to get more for the older kid. I have a couple of hand made gift for the kids that I was going to give by myself. I don't know if I should mention them to W. I noticed she is calling the rooms we sleep in My room your room, instead of spare bedroom or our room.

I find I am talking in my sleep now as it wakes me up, I will be saying W name calling out for her. She hasn't mentioned anything about it so I guess she doesn't hear it.

I just don't know how to turn this around, I want to temp check further but I am afraid of rejection.

I am starting to create a fantasy about how Christmas is going to go but I know I have to go into it with no expectations. I imagine W putting her rings back on and then just sitting with me as the kids open all there gifts.

This morning I thought I heard her call my name when she was in bed. I was up first and when she came down I looked her in the eye and said good morning with a smile. then as I left the house she was in the same room as the oldest and I hugged and said good bye to him. I look up and W sais good bye to me before I could say anything. So that's a nice change, I said good bye and left.

I am so cautious right now, it hard to trust W right now. I don't know where her head is at so I have to take it moment by moment. We are going to my S7 Christmas concert tonight together. W mentioned taking two cars because she wants to shop after. I think I will push for one car. I don't like the two cars idea, then the kids have to choose who they go with.

[SciDad]

Vise,

I just wanted to let you know I've been following your situation closely, not only because I see parallels to mine, but also because I share your hope and optimism.

I don't know how to do it, but I think it's critical to note these small improvements without pining all your hope on them. Use them for encouragement, to gauge if you're actions are having the desired effect. But that is all. Even if they inch your W closer toward you, you're still in a fragile situation.

And try not to read into what your W is thinking. It's one of the hardest things for me to do, but it's too easy to waste all your time analyzing her and spend no time on yourself