Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

I am in a bad place right now. After reading V's thread I am wondering if it is PTSD. What might have triggered it?

Some ideas:
I started working again--the job is easy and comfortable and the people are all very nice--but it doesn't pay the bills. It is more than unemployment but not by much. I go, do my job, but all it does is remind me of my failure. That I have back slid and that I am aimless because what I thought was my dream job turned out to be a disaster and I don't have a new dream to fill it. But I need to figure out how to support myself and the salary of the jobs that feel safe just don't cut the mustard. The job i was hoping for didn't come to fruition--yet. I am hoping this is paying my dues, but I think I will continue to look for alternate opportunities.

I had a breakthrough with my feelings toward H. My IC has continued to try and get me to stop making excuses for him, to get angry, to stop feeling the need to see something that is not there. But when I feel angry I feel vengeful, and then I get myself into trouble with H and my family gets mad at me for reacting--for "speaking up" which I guess isn't really speaking up but rather fueling his fire. I know I need to follow V's advice and become completely uninteresting with H. To go Gray Rock I think she puts it. It is hard to do when I am angry because I want to see him accountable. So if I have to let it go I find a way to excuse what he has done and start buying into my fantasy again. It was like a constant pendulum swinging.

But last weekend I think I finally had the breakthrough where the spell has been broken and that has left me raw. I understand who H is now, and I don't believe it is a new thing. I am dealing with a narcissist and I have been a target of his abuse. i know I said it hear before, but I finally got to the point where I can't sugarcoat him anymore. I always thought a breakthrough would bring relief, instead it brings me more anxiety because I can't default to my fantasy coping mechanism to make it all bearable, so I just feel raw.

He has been targeting my parenting relentlessly. Now that I have a new job I had to adjust the pick up time for the kids--something that should have been a non-issue if we could have just gotten the custody switched like it should have been back in September. This gives him leverage. He is keeping track of time to the minute. commenting on when I am late. He stood behind me during the kids concert with OW sitting off to the right--all of us would have crossed paths clearing out the theater if we exited the way we should have. We went a different way. I know he wanted to see if I would approach him. I called him out on using the kids as pawns in his game, which is what he is doing.

I don't know what he is trying to accomplish. I don't know what he is capable of accomplishing. And that is scary for me. I am struggling to find solace and I am finding it difficult to get out of the house at all lately, but I am doing it. I went out to dinner with a meetup group last night. It was a nice group, but i felt shy and nervous. I don't know if that is just normal--everyone else seemed to know each other well and I was a newb, or if it just spill over from my anxiety. I am not feeling very sociable this week and that is making me feel lonely. it is crazy. I think it might all be part of the PTSD.

i also accepted that me dating is only a means to mask the raw emotion and it isn't fair to put anyone through that. i have been asked by a few people the past few days and I have been declining, even though I crave the distraction. There is one person I need to figure out how to let down easily because I have gone out with him a couple of times already and I don't know how to end it without sound so cliche "it's not you, it's me" but isn't that the absolute truth.

So is this rawness part of healing or back sliding? I don't know. The new job, the holidays, the reminder that H still has all of my personal belongings, the kids well-being and knowing their Christmas will be so different this year, the ties to the school, all of this is triggering unbearable reactions within me and I need to come up with a game plan to power through. I cried most of yesterday--whenever I was a lone even for a minute the water works started.

H finally gave me the Christmas things so I was able to get the house looking festive. Before he did that I was thinking of his as the Grinch. He can't stop Christmas from coming. But right now he has stolen my joy.

I have been looking into different narcissist abuse recovery programs but I can't really afford these things. Does anyone know of any good resources?