One thing about marriage that has changed for me is the illusion of it. I used to think that since we were M, that would be it. I didn't need to do the work, or grow, or be vigilant with how I was as a man. I thought if I didn't cheat, cooked, contributed around the house, and did the surface level stuff, everything else would take care of itself - because we were M. I don't have that illusion any more and will enter into my next R with a more mature understanding of it. Hopefully.
This has changed for me, as well. My H used to lecture me that D was not an option, when I would make childish comments about how we'd be better off D. That's partly why I was so flummoxed when he suddenly decided to D, without wanting to work on it at all. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, and I realize how much I really believed what he said. It also made me lazy. "Well, if we're never getting D, I guess I'm stuck here." I'm not quite the villain H is making me out to be; but, there are plenty of things I could have done better, times that I could have been nicer, years that I should have been more appreciative.
I realize all that now. I also have made that realization in regards to my other relationships. I need to do more "being in the moment". I need to enjoy each day, because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. As much as I hate to admit it, I did have a hand in my H becoming so depressed that he changed so dramatically. I know I'm not responsible for it - I just see my part in it, and it fills me with sadness and regret.
I'm learning so much, growing so much, it's hard not to be grateful for that - I just wish the cost hadn't been so very high. My family is starting to pick up the pieces, but we will never be what we once were. I would have done anything to have spared my children so much pain, had I known. I can do my best in the future, though.
My goal is to become the best I can be, every day. I don't want to have good days and bad days anymore. I want to go to bed each night knowing I made the most of each day. This is a profound change. For the most part, I spent most of my adult life just existing. I want to spend the rest of it living.
Thanks for sharing, PP. You are such an inspiration to me!
