hi slowly- it's my turn to try and help you now! well, as you know my W hasn't ended her relationship and by all accounts is very happy with it. that is hard to hear but i have come up with some realizations about our situation and while difficult it seems to make sense to me.
i asked my W when this all broke about how do you love 2 people at the same time....she said for her that the 2 emotions were just separate. obviously there is one primary one (was me...now it's the OM) but that she had/has strong feelings for both of us and that they were both valid and real. of course, her relationship with him "won out" for now over her relationship with me....but time will tell.
perhaps-that is where your H is right now. i remember michele describing in her book of the natural sense of loss when anything ends and i know that my W will go through it when her A ends and perhaps that is where your H is.
for me, i've just come to terms that is where her life and her heart is right now and that is where she needs to be. i don't like it, it drives me bonkers and i do want it to end....but like it or not, it seems that we both have a path to travel right now.
i am sure that your H still cares and loves for you....but it is also natural for him to still be connected to someone that he was close to. at least, that's what i tell myself about my W and myself.... when our time for reconciliation is at hand.
you are not a fool for continuing your DBing...in fact I truly believe it speaks volumes of your character and your inner strength. I met with a friend on Sunday who I have not seen since january and he told me that he felt that i was handling everything well....and that he was proud of me. i attribute it to the books, this message board and people like you slowly, who have given me the strength to have the courage of my convictions.
the truth is---your H may be planning another life and although that isn;t what any of us want to hear, it is something to think about. however, i remember when my R with my wife started to get worse and when i started thinking that she wanted an A....i would constantly "joke" with her about how she would leave me (and this was before she met the OM) and one day, i remember she asked me if that is what i wanted? did i want her to leave and find another man? of course, i said no....but that i thought she did....and we laughed about it....but after all of this happened she told me that everytime i used to "joke" about it she would secretly think "if that's what you want i can find one" and somehow i think my small obsession of whether or not my wife kind of pushed things in that direction.
i now try to think every day (especially on my nice long walks) about the future....being together, leaving the past behind and starting fresh and new and how it will feel.
you are doing the right thing....focus on the positives that you have (and the positives that you bring to people like me) and remember your goals! YOU ARE WORTH IT...and your marriage is worth it.
