hard to believe it is thursday already, and april to boot - life seems to be rushing by
positives yesterday ++ H came over for lunch, again he seemd very happy to be with me, we had a lovely time. we both went home early, had tea together and continued working in companionable peace and quiet. ++ i wanted to go for a run, and H decided to join me - nice. BUT, when we came back, he went straight back to work. probably crazymaking here, but emails were main mode of communications between H and OW, so i really find it tough to stop obsessing about it ++ i continued my stance from last week, that i'll start cooking when we both are ready to relax - explained that i did not want to put pressure on him to finish before eating... i'm quite determined that we will have quality time in the evenings especially as i was taking the trouble to cook a nice meal - new egg recipe - which H was very appreciative of
developments to reflect on ?? the book love is a decision came in the post, and H frankly devoured it. i'm not sure if this is a good sign, especially as i have not yet read the book. am also wondering what he will do with DR - any advice on when is a good time to introduce this to H? ?? i was supposed to travel next week for business, but managed to get someone else to cover for me. the A really developed during my extensive travel time 6 months ago. H has always maintained that my travel was not an issue, but seeing how happy he is that i've cancelled my trip, makes me think, that like rotz, i should remember to listen with my eyes open. hmmm, wonder what other red herrings i need to bury
targets for today ** start the ball rolling on selling our flat so we can move back to where our main home is. we are in a small town now, work is convenient, OW lives here. social life is a bit more restricted, i think H may have also been missing family and friends, so moving back seems like a good idea. but, H is not yet convinced, need to work on this ** ask for more PT - this is definitely both our LL, so we need to be comfortable indulging
lots of good things, though lots of stuff still unsaid, but i guess these will take time. enjoying today, slowly
yay its friday. i'm finding it difficult to stay focused on goals. yesterday was a mixed day. H came over for lunch, again , i wonder if he thinks this will help settle my fears, as lunch was a time H used to meet OW but he was very late home, apparently tied up in meetings all afternoon. hmmm. anyways, we did not get much quality time, i could see he was tired, he did not even take his laptop out. demon in my mind, did H spend afternoon with OW???
an unexpected development, when we were coming home from picking up dinner, an estate agent selling neighbouring flat was there and H ( ) started talking to him about the possibility that we may want to put ours on the market. my jaw just hit the floor. i sat back and let H discuss with agent. still not decided yet, but boy was i wrong about H not willing to even consider moving on.
plan to just chill out this weekend, catch up on some quality time, reading and hiking. have a great weekend, everyone. hugs, slowly
Good day Slowly, Been away from the bb for the past couple of days. Looks like you're making some steady progress. ... and seeing more of the positives.
I like the idea of something new for dinner to keep help keep the evenings interesting. PT is big between the both of us too, altho there for a while I had wandered away from it to the point whenever I would touch her she would interpret it as me always wanting it to lead to something more. So, I've gone back to the basics. Whenever sitting next to each other, if its just watching TV, reading or just relaxing, I'd just hold her hand. Whenever, she seems stressed or worn out after a long day, I'd offer a neck/back rub & an embracing hug. Something that I discovered to work very well for us is to shave her legs for her ... lotsa touching there, too ... which often leads to ...
Anyway, it seems like you're getting comfortable in trying new and different stuff. Keep experimenting.
I wish I had an easy solution about making thoughts of OW go away, but sadly, in my sitch OM is still very much in the picture, so I no where near that point myself, but you are not alone with dealing with such "demons". However, I have seen it here more often than not that acting upon those thoughts can have a very destructive effect. So please, before taking any action surrounding any thoughts of OW, take a moment and ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to do move me closer to my H or push him further away?" The answer should guide your actions. If your are unsure, then it best to do nothing until such time it becomes clearer which direction to take. It takes a while but what seems to work best is to continue to take note of his actions. They really can tell you and if your having trouble interpretting them, post them here! There's lotsa of people here willing to point out to you what you may have trouble seeing or even accepting as real progress ... and I will head it off with saying, he is no longer involved with OW.
- He offers to spend lunch together. - H chooses to join you in doing activities (running, etc...) - H is making plans for your future together.
... and I think H reading the book is definately a positive. It sounds like your H intuitively came to how its a decision, and it sounds like the book just reaffirmed for him that he is taking the right direction.
hi kaw - it is so good to have your feedback - i'm learning all the time just how powerful validation and friendship is and yes, i needed to hear from someone else that the indications point to H no longer being involved with OW. i think i'm going thru a natural phase that many others seem to have, the one where we cannot quite believe it is over, and just waiting for the other shoe to drop
well, it was a great weekend, neither of us communed with our laptops in fact, i notice that H dives into his the minute i'm logged on, so even at the risk of not having enough time on this bb, i plan to NOT touch my computer at home, unless absolutely necessary. we ended up watching a few movies on dvd, sat together and actually got talking about selling the flat. H agreed - yay it does mean we will be taking a financial loss, but i feel so much better as we sever yet another tie with the town that houses OW
i guess there are still unresolved issues, doubts, fears within me - how is H feeling now about OW - it has been 26 days since the END. why is H still carrying around her token on his keyring why do i need to know more about his movements - will i ever be able to trust again? nothing new, just the same old path beaten by millions of betrayed spouses before me, and sadly, no doubt millions more to come. sigh.
but to focus, my goals for this week are to make H feel more loved and cherished than last week, move along the sale of the flat, and have a great easter weekend away with H.
well, it had to happen, i suppose. monday was going quite well, till dinner, when i asked H if he had heard from ow. why, oh why, did i do that? well, yes he had, she called in the morning, ostensibly about work, then they got into 'difficulties' she was having with her H. a 2 hr conversation, apparently. i'm sitting here, completely drained of all PMA, wishing i was somewhere else. why does my H do this? why is he loving towards me and at the same time, pursue another relationship? shouldn't the end mean the end?
has anyone else been through this? am i being a fool to keep dbing? i worry that this is all a self delusion, and the H is planning another life anyways... sigh. i know, i need a STOP sign. but d**^ it, this is so painful and hard.
I think you should keep dbing. You have given me the extra support and push like a lot of other poeple on this BB. Keep Dbing because at least H is wanting to sell flat. You might not actually think it is over with OW until you physically move to another town but this may be what H needs to help put distance between him and OW. Keep fighting for what you belive in. Cheer up.
Did you actually apologize on my thread for an invitation here? Silly, silly girl..I never turn down a party!!
You are falling into the trap Rozz falls into OFTEN (hear that R). Sometimes when things start going too well, too fast (yes, and I mean it here) the natural tendency is to not accept that the success is driven by your positive actions. It is not the time to lessen the positives, but to hang on and enjoy the ride. Constant reassuracne is the theme for you now.
Quote: why does my H do this? why is he loving towards me and at the same time, pursue another relationship? shouldn't the end mean the end?
We discussed this, maybe a little prematurely a couple of weeks ago:
Quote: That comfortable, accepting, safety zone is what your hubby needs. His mixed emotions of guilt and probably a little abandonment are kicking in. He'll need support and reassurances that you are there for him.
Not only is hubby feeling this, his OW is feeling the loss and heaping additional guilt on him.
The difference you can make is that safety zone I talk about. He can not get that from OW. For one, she doesn't have the support group here to reassure herself, and therefore becomes a needy, clingy burden. Not what hubby needs right now. You can be the calm in the storm. The end to that relationship happened a couple of weeks ago. The end was the end. There are things to clear up there and the guilt of abandoning her is strong for hubby I'm sure.
Be viligant, and maybe outspoken about your support for him in his desire to end affair. Just keep that safety zone for him so comfortable and receptive he can't even think of anywhere else on earth he'd rather be.
Here's a warm, slippery suntan oil hug just for you!!
I am in a similar sitch -only difference is that my H has not shown any signs of ending the A with OW - for now.
Quote: why does my H do this? why is he loving towards me and at the same time, pursue another relationship? shouldn't the end mean the end?
I've also battled with this question many, many times...And I never get an answer I am truly satisfied with. Do what your heart tells you to do. At many times I've about almost given up and filed myself...but since I keep insisting that "the end is NOT necessarily the end" ...I keep DB'ing very hard and the positives are well worth it.
You are probably very overwhelmed with questions about the OW and sometimes it's very hard to not voice them...I am very guilty of this! But definitely think of the RED STOP SIGN...Or simply think of something else or ask something else that is not OW related.
I know this is very hard - but you've come a long way baby!
hi slowly- it's my turn to try and help you now! well, as you know my W hasn't ended her relationship and by all accounts is very happy with it. that is hard to hear but i have come up with some realizations about our situation and while difficult it seems to make sense to me.
i asked my W when this all broke about how do you love 2 people at the same time....she said for her that the 2 emotions were just separate. obviously there is one primary one (was me...now it's the OM) but that she had/has strong feelings for both of us and that they were both valid and real. of course, her relationship with him "won out" for now over her relationship with me....but time will tell.
perhaps-that is where your H is right now. i remember michele describing in her book of the natural sense of loss when anything ends and i know that my W will go through it when her A ends and perhaps that is where your H is.
for me, i've just come to terms that is where her life and her heart is right now and that is where she needs to be. i don't like it, it drives me bonkers and i do want it to end....but like it or not, it seems that we both have a path to travel right now.
i am sure that your H still cares and loves for you....but it is also natural for him to still be connected to someone that he was close to. at least, that's what i tell myself about my W and myself.... when our time for reconciliation is at hand.
you are not a fool for continuing your DBing...in fact I truly believe it speaks volumes of your character and your inner strength. I met with a friend on Sunday who I have not seen since january and he told me that he felt that i was handling everything well....and that he was proud of me. i attribute it to the books, this message board and people like you slowly, who have given me the strength to have the courage of my convictions.
the truth is---your H may be planning another life and although that isn;t what any of us want to hear, it is something to think about. however, i remember when my R with my wife started to get worse and when i started thinking that she wanted an A....i would constantly "joke" with her about how she would leave me (and this was before she met the OM) and one day, i remember she asked me if that is what i wanted? did i want her to leave and find another man? of course, i said no....but that i thought she did....and we laughed about it....but after all of this happened she told me that everytime i used to "joke" about it she would secretly think "if that's what you want i can find one" and somehow i think my small obsession of whether or not my wife kind of pushed things in that direction.
i now try to think every day (especially on my nice long walks) about the future....being together, leaving the past behind and starting fresh and new and how it will feel.
you are doing the right thing....focus on the positives that you have (and the positives that you bring to people like me) and remember your goals! YOU ARE WORTH IT...and your marriage is worth it.
What a slap in the face. I heard there was a party here, and instead I find Dazed bad mouthing me. (KIDDING!)
Seriously, though, Dazed is ABSOLUTELY correct. My inability to go with the flow (slowly ) hurts me continually.
In the beginning of DB, I literally saw babysteps that next day. (Must have meant my behavior stank, huh?) We had HUGE baby steps, and I always come on here looking for the reasons WHY we had the baby steps?... or WHY didn't it go further? ...or WHY couldn't he have done *B* instead of *A*
You know why?
Because your H is NOT YOU.
I know, I know, profound. At least it was for me.
I think I finally have it figured out with the help of good friends (like Dazed) who keep slapping me silly. H does not react the way I want because the way I want is the way I would react, and he IS NOT ME. DUH!
While you think he should just end talking to OW and up and leave, he may be feeling guilt over leaving her. He is showing his willingness to be with you, to sell your flat and move away, etc. Take it and run with it! Be thankful. I think he is *slowly* committing back to your R. Stop those thoughts. They're just silly and detrimental to your core. Be yourself. "YOU" are not this weak willed person. I know that, just from reading your posts to others.
You seem to have the same problem I (and many of us) have - you are wise, except when it comes to you.
This is where detaching comes in handy. Like when you have an out of body experience, you can actually see the sitch you are in because you are not so close to it. Then, you can make wise decisions for yourself.
he seemd very happy to be with me, we had a lovely time. we both went home early, had tea together and continued working in companionable peace and quiet.
especially as i was taking the trouble to cook a nice meal - new egg recipe - which H was very appreciative of
) started talking to him about the possibility that we may want to put ours on the market. my jaw just hit the floor. i sat back and let H discuss with agent. still not decided yet, but boy was i wrong about H not willing to even consider moving on. 
Keep experimenting. 
it does mean we will be taking a financial loss, but i feel so much better as we sever yet another tie with the town that houses OW 
