Rain...I think Pink gave you some excellent advice.
I have been in your position also. My H had an A, and although he was genuinely remorseful and tried to make amends, I had a very difficult time putting it behind us and moving on. I was relentless in my need to question and make sense of things, and eventually I pushed him away entirely because he just couldn't deal with it anymore.
Like Pink, I too noticed a lot of talk in your thread about what he needs to do differently. I would very kindly ask you, do you want to be married or do you want to be right? I totally feel your pain... I don't recall if you mentioned how long it's been since you found out about the infidelity, but it took me almost two years to fully process. Before that time, I felt no guilt about beating H over the head with the A as often as my rollercoaster emotions required. I figured he was the guilty one and the reason I was in so much pain, and was just lucky I chose to stick around at all. I thought it was his job to accept whatever I said or did at that point because it was his fault.
The thing is, A's don't happen in a vacuum. In my case, H was the one who chose to cheat, but I contributed to the environment that made him susceptible to cheating in the first place. It doesn't excuse what he did because the final choice was still his own, but the point is, we both played a part in what happened.
If you care about your marriage, please, please, please don't continue to bring up the OW and punish your H. You will only push him away further, and potentially beyond reach. If you want your marriage to work, you have to let the A go, do the work to heal and rebuild trust, and move forward with your H. It simply will not work any other way.
