Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[PigPen]

Journaling a bit. Was on the other side of the country last week for one of my best friend's weddings. First wedding since BD, and first wedding for a sober PP.

It was the first time in while that I've spent time with my friends from way back in high school, solid group of men, all with families. Our get togethers are often drunken affairs but I found that they were unbelievably supportive of my decision. Up until 10pm at the wedding it was no different, once everyone got drunk I just couldn't relate but didn't have any desire to do so myself. Come the morning after when I wasn't groaning and holding my head, it was even more evident that this is how I want to live forever.

I thought I'd be negative on the entire marriage situation but I wasn't. I'm happy for my friend and gave him what I thought was my best advice, "Listen to her. She's going to give you clues if she's unhappy in addition to flat out saying it - listen and take to heart what she's saying without reacting and getting defensive and dismissing it. She's going to tell you what her experience is and even if that's not your experience, it's valid."

None of the above I did in my M. I got down a few times wishing my W was with me, but it passed. I got down a few times thinking that I really blew it and remembered times when I acted unskillfully in my M, but took some deep breaths and reminded myself how much work I've done since BD. It's still upsetting in hind site to see all of the signs that my W was unhappy and not have the where with all to know how to deal with it in a productive manner. I was an idiot for most of my M, upsetting.

One thing about marriage that has changed for me is the illusion of it. I used to think that since we were M, that would be it. I didn't need to do the work, or grow, or be vigilant with how I was as a man. I thought if I didn't cheat, cooked, contributed around the house, and did the surface level stuff, everything else would take care of itself - because we were M. I don't have that illusion any more and will enter into my next R with a more mature understanding of it. Hopefully.

But such is life. I can't change the past, only know that my next R is going to be vastly different, centered around consciousness, honesty, and integrity. Around communication, listening (both ears), expressing my own needs, and making sure that her needs are addressed fully as well. Doing so by doing the unthinkable a year ago - checking in and asking, watching, and listening to what she says.

I also told a few people about my plan for next year and pleasantly got dropped jaws over the concept. The support and interest in it already is more than I've ever experienced with a self created idea. I won't get into it fully yet here to still remain anonymous, but it helps so people's eyes light up, then have them come back 20 minutes later and say, "I wish I could do that, how can I follow what you're doing?"
Complete strangers.

Today was also a big day, I launched my own website that I will be writing for creating content for. It's about 6 months of work coming to light and seeing it up and live made my day. I've gotten great feedback from it from people that don't know me, so I know I'm on the right track.

Looking back at the second to last interaction with my W, I know I still have detaching to do. My ego was bringing up ways that things she said weren't true and letting her know, in hindsight I can see that.

I'm still so grateful to this DB community, this has been such an amazing ride filled with so many wonderful people. I now do believe my W is a fool, she's convinced herself that I'm someone other than the man I've become.

Cheers,
PP