Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (9)

[Fogg]

Sounds like a good swap, PP. You had opportunities to show you're a new man and you did just that. Seems she did the same. Every one of those interactions that show both of you the old M is dead opens up more possibilities in the future.

You already know you don't need one specific outcome to survive, regardless of how it turns out its a bright future. You're in a really good place and I can relate to much of what you are feeling and saying.

Keep it up

P.S Don't forget to treat Woofie to something extra nice next swap, he seems to know whats up lol

[rd500]

Seems like Woolfie is a wise lad !!!! Great to see you letting go of the outcome for real. Lovely story about your works leaving party and that must have been a great feeling.

PP is a man only a fool would leave Its official ! !

As we are told time and time again , it's often takes true detachment for the WAS to realise what they will be missing.

Both you and Huddy seem to have not quite come out of the tunnel but youve both seen the light and heading towards it

Take care Brother. Rd

[Vanilla]

Woofie is an old soul.

Bless him, extra hugs and treats including walkies.

Good for Woofie, your guardian angel in a dog collar.

I love Woofie already, now even more.

Hugs to PP, Woofie and the WAW.


V

[Mona52]

I am glad you started your post saying Woofie is alright, I was a bit nervous reading it. I am glad he is fine.

Great interactions with W. Keep your expectations below zero. You are doing great focusing on the future, keep it up!

[mutatio]

PP how are you ?

[JellyB]

PP. I am stepping outside my comfort zone and asking for help.

Can you pop over to my thread sometime when you have the time and offer some help. V said you were the right person to ask.

Thanks PP

JellyBxxx

[Elly4]

Hi PP! So, I've caught up on your thread, and am always amazed and impressed with the work you are doing to become the best PP you can be. Although, I sort of think you're pretty amazing already.

I am so sorry I haven't been on to cheer you on and I will try harder to lean on my supports and to offer my support in exchange.


Many, many hugs

E

[PigPen]

Journaling a bit. Was on the other side of the country last week for one of my best friend's weddings. First wedding since BD, and first wedding for a sober PP.

It was the first time in while that I've spent time with my friends from way back in high school, solid group of men, all with families. Our get togethers are often drunken affairs but I found that they were unbelievably supportive of my decision. Up until 10pm at the wedding it was no different, once everyone got drunk I just couldn't relate but didn't have any desire to do so myself. Come the morning after when I wasn't groaning and holding my head, it was even more evident that this is how I want to live forever.

I thought I'd be negative on the entire marriage situation but I wasn't. I'm happy for my friend and gave him what I thought was my best advice, "Listen to her. She's going to give you clues if she's unhappy in addition to flat out saying it - listen and take to heart what she's saying without reacting and getting defensive and dismissing it. She's going to tell you what her experience is and even if that's not your experience, it's valid."

None of the above I did in my M. I got down a few times wishing my W was with me, but it passed. I got down a few times thinking that I really blew it and remembered times when I acted unskillfully in my M, but took some deep breaths and reminded myself how much work I've done since BD. It's still upsetting in hind site to see all of the signs that my W was unhappy and not have the where with all to know how to deal with it in a productive manner. I was an idiot for most of my M, upsetting.

One thing about marriage that has changed for me is the illusion of it. I used to think that since we were M, that would be it. I didn't need to do the work, or grow, or be vigilant with how I was as a man. I thought if I didn't cheat, cooked, contributed around the house, and did the surface level stuff, everything else would take care of itself - because we were M. I don't have that illusion any more and will enter into my next R with a more mature understanding of it. Hopefully.

But such is life. I can't change the past, only know that my next R is going to be vastly different, centered around consciousness, honesty, and integrity. Around communication, listening (both ears), expressing my own needs, and making sure that her needs are addressed fully as well. Doing so by doing the unthinkable a year ago - checking in and asking, watching, and listening to what she says.

I also told a few people about my plan for next year and pleasantly got dropped jaws over the concept. The support and interest in it already is more than I've ever experienced with a self created idea. I won't get into it fully yet here to still remain anonymous, but it helps so people's eyes light up, then have them come back 20 minutes later and say, "I wish I could do that, how can I follow what you're doing?"
Complete strangers.

Today was also a big day, I launched my own website that I will be writing for creating content for. It's about 6 months of work coming to light and seeing it up and live made my day. I've gotten great feedback from it from people that don't know me, so I know I'm on the right track.

Looking back at the second to last interaction with my W, I know I still have detaching to do. My ego was bringing up ways that things she said weren't true and letting her know, in hindsight I can see that.

I'm still so grateful to this DB community, this has been such an amazing ride filled with so many wonderful people. I now do believe my W is a fool, she's convinced herself that I'm someone other than the man I've become.

Cheers,
PP

[Ancaire]

One thing about marriage that has changed for me is the illusion of it. I used to think that since we were M, that would be it. I didn't need to do the work, or grow, or be vigilant with how I was as a man. I thought if I didn't cheat, cooked, contributed around the house, and did the surface level stuff, everything else would take care of itself - because we were M. I don't have that illusion any more and will enter into my next R with a more mature understanding of it. Hopefully.

This has changed for me, as well. My H used to lecture me that D was not an option, when I would make childish comments about how we'd be better off D. That's partly why I was so flummoxed when he suddenly decided to D, without wanting to work on it at all. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, and I realize how much I really believed what he said. It also made me lazy. "Well, if we're never getting D, I guess I'm stuck here." I'm not quite the villain H is making me out to be; but, there are plenty of things I could have done better, times that I could have been nicer, years that I should have been more appreciative.

I realize all that now. I also have made that realization in regards to my other relationships. I need to do more "being in the moment". I need to enjoy each day, because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. As much as I hate to admit it, I did have a hand in my H becoming so depressed that he changed so dramatically. I know I'm not responsible for it - I just see my part in it, and it fills me with sadness and regret.

I'm learning so much, growing so much, it's hard not to be grateful for that - I just wish the cost hadn't been so very high. My family is starting to pick up the pieces, but we will never be what we once were. I would have done anything to have spared my children so much pain, had I known. I can do my best in the future, though.

My goal is to become the best I can be, every day. I don't want to have good days and bad days anymore. I want to go to bed each night knowing I made the most of each day. This is a profound change. For the most part, I spent most of my adult life just existing. I want to spend the rest of it living.

Thanks for sharing, PP. You are such an inspiration to me!

[PigPen]

Thanks for posting Judy, I know it's hard to look back and see how we all acted after the fact. Truth be told, I joked with my business partner a few months before BD, "I'll be surprised if I'm still married this time next year." And then I did nothing about it. I didn't really believe it but I still said it so on some level I knew things weren't as good as they could be. More to let go...

I've been thinking a lot about detachment and the layers of it, even more after writing about the second to last dog swap and how I still have the desire to prove to my W that she was wrong in leaving. To prove that what she's said about me isn't true (believe nothing...). To somehow make myself into a victim here and not look at the big picture and the positivity of it.

I'm not sure if that's the continuation of the detachment process - losing the desire to be right about your sitch, or argue the finer points of what's been said during the few times that we are together. I'll venture to guess that the LBS's ego wants to argue the finer points with some misguided desire that the WAS is still going to come to her senses when presented with enough facts.

Letting go feels like a daily practice now. Catching myself in thought patterns or the imaginary arguments with my W in my head and having to say, "STOP, think about something else."

Judy, you're doing a great job. I know you've got a long road and some things you're not proud of in your sitch, but day by day is all that any of us can do. Every day is a new opportunity. The past truly is dead, it doesn't exist even if people try to keep it alive with their thoughts and comments.

Your best day today is a great goal.

PP