Pho's thread continues......

[Mona52]

It would be the healthiest thing for me to know the truth, and at this point I am feeling this is all taking a toll on me- my jaws hurt all the time, I am fatigued, getting chest pain. Something is still wrong, my body is telling me this.

DB'ing rule # one, focus on yourself! You see your body telling you that you are not doing this enough. You are no good to your children or H if you get sick.
From the sound of some of your posts, you should immediately employ activities that bring you some kind of pleasure. Watch a comedian on TV. One that makes you belly laugh.
Go eat a sundae BEFORE dinner.
Get your hair done

Do not stop, under any circumstances, until you feel better.



I also agree 100% with what you say about the IL's. I have tried to remove myself as much as possible from them, however I have 3 children and this would be a lot easier if my children were grown, or even if they were just a little older. Ironically, SIL, who has been in the family for maybe 6 or 7 years now already does this. She avoids family events and her interactions with the IL's is limited to maybe an hour or two every few months. She does not have their grandchildren though, so its easier to maintain a distance. And the SIL prior to her also did not attend family events. But my kids are still little, and most of the visits are at my house, I can't just leave.

I did the same with lots of my family members. Just leave the room. It is beyond the point of you worrying about their feelings. They can come and see the kids all they want. But you have things to do, in your private bedroom.

This may take a few tries until you got it. But just do it. How different would your life be right now if they disliked the fact that you left the room each time? It may slightly bother you, big deal. How upset is your life now that you must deal with those people? Leave the room, then forgive yourself.




I went to an individual appointment with our family therapist this morning. It was very interesting. She told me that my body language when I am with H is "defeated" and crushed.

This wont do! Never again. Starting now keep that head held high. They all owe you, not the other way around!




She said I need to look him in the eye and be assertive. She said I need to do the same thing with MIL, and then she role played for me some examples of things MIL does to me on a regular basis and how I should handle myself. For example, MIL will lean across the table and take a sip of my drink, and then "oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was mine" and put it back with a smile. She must have done this to me 100x over the years. I usually act like its ok, I know she is doing it on purpose, but what can you say in a situation like that?

"No, I think you knew that was not yours."
Then shut up and wait for her to apologize. SHE OWES YOU, you dont owe her!

The therapist said I am colluding with her and "letting her own me." She said to put the cup next to MIL's place setting and say "It's yours now." And look her in the eye. She said to do this in every situation, do not "fight" but use eye contact and a calm assertiveness to not let these things slide. Another example, MIL doesn't call me by my name, she calls me "the mother". As in "The kids and the mother are doing xyz now". The therapist said look her in the eye and say "I have a name." Why is it so hard for me to figure these things out? And also, these incidents happen one after the other, over the course of a weekend I would say there could easily be 20 or more of these types of slights.

She also said if H chooses MIL over me then let him go.