Back on these forums again 4

[Mona52]

Thanks Judy,

You have also been unbelievably helpful to me and I am so glad to know you. I can't wait to see what you do with your "I can" year!!

Living with my mom, and going out with her is far from optimal. She has issues and I am her favorite person in the world to be critical with. She tried to embarrass me at the karaoke party 2 nights ago and she tried again last night. But I am not a little girl anymore, so I will not put up with her talking down to me. She still does it, but it does not affect me one bit.

For now, I am also done with my lovely jerkface.
Unfortunately for him, I want no part of a depressed, self-destructive person. I heard everyone on this board when they said HIS PROBLEMS ARE NO LONGER MY PROBLEMS.

It was hard to separate myself from him. His feelings/my feelings. His money issues/My money issues. It was even harder to see myself as more than H's wife. But H is gone, so I have no real choice in the matter.

I sent him a text this morning:

Me: Hey

Me: Can I pick up those D papers today? I will figure it out.

Me: Do you know how long it takes to finalize?

That was like 6 hours ago and he has not replied yet, which is not normal for him. I dont really care, I just hope I can move forward with the paperwork today.

I still do want him as my H. But I am sure D is the only way to turn things around, plus I really want my maiden name back, NOW.

Once we are truly D'ed, he will finally see what he has done.

I want to be D'ed by March, if possible. That way he will have nothing to do if I win the fellowship from the National Science Foundation. I am nervous he will somehow get his hands on it. He is not a mean man, but I am 100% sure by March he will be in a financially desperate position. I have allowed him to take credit cards out in my name and other things in the past with no consequences, so he feels entitled to everything I have.

In the past this was my fault. Now, I wont stand for it. So, for me, it is better to protect myself by going through with the divorce ASAP, because it takes 90 days.

I am happy to say that I am more excited about this than hurt or scared. I was hurt and scared, but the second IC named that impostor syndrome, my self confidence grew.

I still feel fake. Last night I was petrified almost the whole time. My palms were so sweaty. I felt like everyone would point and say, 'she's too fat to be dancing' or 'she thinks she is so smart' and a million other things. But when my head screamed it at me, there was another voice whispering "You are the best dancer here" "You are smart". Unbelievably, the guys were saying out loud what the whisperer was saying "You are a great dancer" "You are very beautiful, I can't believe you are dancing with me"

Maybe they just wanted to get a room, and compliments do help, but no one asked me to go anywhere with them.