Georgia Bulldogs. Thank you. I am going to reread your post and think on it some more. I feel like my opportunity to spy on H has passed, but I have not ruled it out. It would be the healthiest thing for me to know the truth, and at this point I am feeling this is all taking a toll on me- my jaws hurt all the time, I am fatigued, getting chest pain. Something is still wrong, my body is telling me this. I also don't think I could stand to hear H talking to ow or even to his parents about me. I heard enough. I don't want to hear more, I just want to know if it has stopped. If I do decide to record him, I think I would ask a friend to listen to the recording so I don't have to hear it. On the other hand, if he is still doing these things, I believe it will eventually come out. So there is part of me telling me to wait and time will tell. I will think on it a little more.
I also agree 100% with what you say about the IL's. I have tried to remove myself as much as possible from them, however I have 3 children and this would be a lot easier if my children were grown, or even if they were just a little older. Ironically, SIL, who has been in the family for maybe 6 or 7 years now already does this. She avoids family events and her interactions with the IL's is limited to maybe an hour or two every few months. She does not have their grandchildren though, so its easier to maintain a distance. And the SIL prior to her also did not attend family events. But my kids are still little, and most of the visits are at my house, I can't just leave.
I went to an individual appointment with our family therapist this morning. It was very interesting. She told me that my body language when I am with H is "defeated" and crushed. She said I need to look him in the eye and be assertive. She said I need to do the same thing with MIL, and then she role played for me some examples of things MIL does to me on a regular basis and how I should handle myself. For example, MIL will lean across the table and take a sip of my drink, and then "oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was mine" and put it back with a smile. She must have done this to me 100x over the years. I usually act like its ok, I know she is doing it on purpose, but what can you say in a situation like that? The therapist said I am colluding with her and "letting her own me." She said to put the cup next to MIL's place setting and say "It's yours now." And look her in the eye. She said to do this in every situation, do not "fight" but use eye contact and a calm assertiveness to not let these things slide. Another example, MIL doesn't call me by my name, she calls me "the mother". As in "The kids and the mother are doing xyz now". The therapist said look her in the eye and say "I have a name." Why is it so hard for me to figure these things out? And also, these incidents happen one after the other, over the course of a weekend I would say there could easily be 20 or more of these types of slights.
She also said if H chooses MIL over me then let him go. I said I still love him and this is not the man I have known for 26 years, he is completely different now. She said sometimes that happens. People change. You have no control over that, he might come back, or maybe this is who he is now. If this is who he is now, you don't want him.
I am on a tangent now. Thank you GB for the time and effort you put into my situation. I really appreciate your perspective and your help. You have given me a lot to think about.
