Inch by inch forward

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Jpeg, you've been essentially doing the Last Resort Technique for a very long time. It's taking a physical and emotional toll on you. Your husband is living with the OW. It's incredibly cruel to expect you to keep in contact with him. I also think the continued insignificant crumbs he keeps giving you are interfering with your ability to GAL. [once you go dark - i fully recommend you go full steam ahead GAL'ing and even posting about you great new life on Facebook so OW and WH can see if they want - but block them so they can't message you - they'll just be able to stalk you and see you appear to be happy and doing great living a wonderful life].

Mr. Bond's situation was different. His wife was still living at home and apparently not still sleeping with her married OM (who was her boss at the hospital). His long term problem was simply that they still worked together so contact continued for about 3 years until the OM finally retired. After OM retired and actual "no contact" was achieved, THEN, Mr. Bond's marriage recovery finally commenced. So if the OW in your situation is due to retire in a year or so and move away with her betrayed husband or maybe the OW has cancer and is set to die in 1-2 years, then maybe you can keep doing the LST because the end of the affair is near and apparent.

Here's some words from MWD:

.......

If on the flip side you are met with any resistance or reluctance, do a reverse and backpedal quick smart.

Go back to your interested but distant stance until things move forward in a more positive directions. This may take a whole lot longer than you would like – weeks or many months. You must be patient.

.......

The letter I suggested you send him is to clearly indicate you remain interested in a recovery but only if and when he ends his affair. This is a "interested, but distance stance" strategy, because you've done "interested, connected and available" to no avail for far too long.

In addition, what I'm suggesting to you is a healthy boundary. You are being abused by your husband. He isn't confused about what he is doing --- he is telling you he'll always love you while living with another woman. You are erecting a fence around yourself (a boundary) that says you can come in my yard only after you've chosen of your own free will to end your affair. There is no "or else". You are NOT saying "end the affair today or I will never speak to you again" or "end your affair right now or I will divorce you". This isn't an ultimatum, it's a boundary.

It's also modeling appropriate behavior to your children. Could you imagine telling your children to endure what you're enduring? It's teaching your children about being willing to forgive, establishing firm and appropriate boundaries and, hopefully, if and when WH comes around repentance and forgiveness. This is in contradiction to modeling that you don't matter, that saving the marriage is more important than you (them) and that YOU (they) should suck up abuse for the good of everyone else (including the abuser).

I'm also not suggesting "giving up". You are still "standing" for you marriage I'm just suggesting you "stand" at an emotionally safe distance. There is hope in the idea I suggested and there are several paths to success within it. Success might be that the WH has an epiphany and dumps OW, that OW buckles under the pressure of having to meet all of WH's needs and take all the blame for him losing his family and she dumps your WH and WH comes begging your intermediary for another chance ORRRRR success might be that you actually start the process of recovery from a possible divorce from an unrepentant wayward husband and in a year or so, YOU are emotionally healthy again instead of a year or two after you finally throw in the towel. How much of your life are you required/obligated to spend on trying to convince someone to not throw you away?


How long do you do keep trying and at what point is it wise to box up and preserve the little remaining love and hope you have for you marriage until the day the affair implodes all on it's own. Like Mr. Bond, there was little he could do to change the situation until happenstance had the OM retiring from the hospital and his wayward wife finally went "no contact" with OM. It's quite possible the affair doesn't end for a long long time and this could be your life for 1, 2, 3 or 5 years longer. I submit you are better off waiting for happenstance at a disAt some point you have to stop trying to fix the situation yourself and give your WH to God and let him do the work while you remove yourself from the equation/situation and tend to your injuries. Your WH is not your friend right now and might not ever be again. If your relationship is truly important to him....let him fight for it. It's his turn, by God.