Back on these forums again 4

[Mona52]

Gmum, You were right. She does not want to deal with him and she does not want to see a fight, and she was right. How dare I fight in front of the daughter!

I apologized to her. I told her that I was just angry and I was never angry at her. She said she completely understands and she said it is OK for me to be angry every once in a while.

I would fly over Grlonfr, but i seriously cannot sing

(((Judy))) it is so nice to hear from you finally! I hope you updated your thread about the job interview! Yes, sometimes minute by minute my decision changes now, but the first time, I was mostly sure I wanted H.

Painter, no, there was no agreement at all for him to pick her up. He never helps in any way. He saw them on Thanksgiving, he might see them on Christmas, and I asked him to do new years so I can go out, and after me begging, he finally agreed. But, yesterday I sent him a text to see if MAYBE he could pick her up last night. I did not actually expect him to. So when I was at my party and I never got a text from him, I figured he was not going to pick her up. So I left the party to pick her up.

The problem is he never told me he would do it. So I had no idea. I never expected him to, I just asked.

But,I have to also mention one part of your sentence... "How could you expect him to do it on such short notice?" That part is a struggle for me. Because EVERYTHING with 3 kids is short notice. You cant plan a day with notice to prepare when you have 3 teens. That is why it is so hard with no help. You have to juggle schedules so tight that every day is like minute to minute.

He is a parent just as much as me. He has responsibilities just as much as me. There is zero reason why I am the only one doing everything. HE says he cant because he has a full time job. I also have a full time job, a part time job and I go to school full time. It is no fair. At All.

[Mona52]

OK, so I backslide pretty far last night....

I was still emotionally wound up when my H sent me a text. I should have ignored it. I should have posted here first. I should have just went to bed.

Nope, I HAD to freaking reply... I am an idiot.

But then this morning, I had the most wonderful morning!

OK, so last night:

H: I'm sry I didn't respond. I'm on midnight shift and worked midnight to noon last night. I was asleep when you texted. I woke up at 10:15 and saw your text. I rushed to take a shower and get ready for work. I left to pick her up without responding. I'm sry.

Me: H, it is so hard doing everything myself. One tiny letter...k and I would have known. I'm just severely disappointed, because I was having so much fun.

Me: Look, I so so so much appreciate you getting her. Please don't think I don't appreciate it, I do.

H: I'm happy one of us is

Me: I'm sorry i got mad

Me: You are about to get onto your press, where you can laugh and joke with your crew.

Me: You can even complain how your soon to be ex went psycho on you today

H: I won't do that. I won't tarnish you

(I used to work there with him, so I know most of teh people there)

H: But we need to sit down soon and go over the divorce papers when you have time. I don't know what to do with them and I need your help figuring it out.

Me: No problem. When should I pick them up? I can just sign them if you want. I wont touch your house, i promise. But I want to activate the part where I change my last name back please.

H: There is stuff I don't understand so that's why I'm asking you to help me

Me: OK, want me to come over tomorrow morning?

H: How about around 2?
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Here is where I just wish I would have just said OK and done! Nope, he whips out the divorce word and all sense leaves my tiny brain.

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Me: K, Also I need to say something before I come over.

Me: I will be 100% OK divorced. And it is probably the best thing for us. You most likely will be much better off without me, so it is all good. Bit I just have to say, for the last ever time...

Me: I do not believe we have any issues that can't be fixed. No. I don't want to be your wife right now. But, you have done nothing so bad I cannot forgive, without blinking. If you wanted to see a marriage counselor, I would be willing. I am not willing to be married to you any longer as we are. And I am not sure a counselor can help at all. I am almost positive we are getting a divorce, even if we see a counselor.

Me: Wait there is more...

Me: I fully expect you to say no to counseling. That;s fine with me. I can walk away and say I did everything I could. I will be at your house at 2 to sign papers or talk about other options. The decision is 100% up to you and I am fine either way.

YEP... I am an idiot.... Of course, he never replied...

Now to post what happened today! So much better news than my R garbage.

[Mona52]

So, I woke up furious with myself for my text with H. I was doing so well with zero R talk. I cant even count how many mistakes I made in those text messages. But it is over now, I sent them, and he did not respond.

I texted him again today

Me: I can't make it today at 2, I have been invited to (the city next to us)

H: Some other day is fine

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I cancelled because there is no way I can emotionally deal with H today.

Then my friends started talking

My mom got a group text from some of the people last night. They do not have my cell phone number, so I was not included in the group text.

There was about 20 people there last night. Everyone brought food and drinks. I was so scared when I got there, but thankfully there was computer issues with the laptop for karaoke. I grabbed the laptop like a life preserver and I was able to work on Brian's laptop and fix the IT problems, which relaxed me enough that I could open up a little.

Brian took care of the A/V part of hooking up the speakers and microphones. I stink at A/V. He stinks at IT, so we were perfect. I do not know how it happened, but I became DJ for the party. So it was my job to get everyone's song on. Thank goodness I know a ton of 50's music...

They were either singing way too fast or way too slow so I was like an anchor. I was able to sing each song correctly (I did not sing any songs well, only correctly, lol) so while they had the microphone, they could always look over to me when they lost their place.

Half the time they just gave up half way through the song, threw the mic at me, and I had to finish their songs.

My PMA went through the roof because I knew every single song they picked.

This morning Brian sent a group text to most of them (but not me)

Brian: Thanks to Diane for hosting an awesome party as always! And thanks to Mona for her IT help and for wearing such a lovely short skirt. It made the party so much better.

OMFG

For the record, I was raised in a catholic school, so my skirt easily touched the top of my knees. My boots came up to the bottom of my knees so I was properly clothed.

But when my mom showed me the text message I was floored. and happy of course. All thoughts of backsliding with H melted away

Then I found out that within 10 minutes of me leaving the party last night, everyone else left. No one seemed like they were going to leave when I was there. I might just be imagining it, but how cool is that?

Then, this morning I was invited to this singles dance thing tonight that some of them are going to. I am scared of this one. It is a dance where they do like 2 fast songs and one slow song so singles can ask each other to dance. And another part is 2 circles, guys outside, girls inside and you dance with whoever is there when the music stops. If you have ever seen West Side story, that is what I am picturing in my head.

But I said yes. And for once I have a designated driver! So I can relax, and drink what I want and since it is so far away, I wont ever see these people again so I can just have fun.


This will be three nights in a row of being with my friends and having fun. Can you believe it??

I gotta go move some more stuff out of my old house today. Yes,I still have not finished moving... and I never will if I dont get off this PC and get over there.

[Vanilla]

Go have fun.

Great GAL

Have you ever seen a film or reality show where the friends of one of the participants try to drag them away from a fight? Note they protect their friend not the other. It's instinct not to want you friend, relative or lover to endo up hurt. Usually ends with "he's not worth it"


V

[JksD]

Wow, Mona, your GAL sounds great. So does your PMA!

I love how positive you are. Reading your posts just made my day a little more bearable.

[Mona52]

I had a great night last night. I went to a dance with my friends, which is unusual for a Sunday night, but I am glad I went.

The night started off extremely weird! Some guy asked me to dance as soon as I sat down. He was older, but it is just dancing so I went. He proceeded to tell me that during the holiday season, I am supposed to wear a green tank top and red mini skirt and look like an elf. And do I have an red mini skirt?

um.... no

So I sat back down (as fast as I could) and another guy asked me to dance. Thankfully he was normal and we had fun.

I sat back done and the first guy come instantly over and asked me to dance. I dont know how to say no, I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I said OK.

As soon as we started dancing he told me to watch out for the last guy I danced with (yes, the normal guy). He said
"That guy turned my fiance into a prostitute. And he did it to 40 other women as well!"

Then he proceeded to tell me he is an artist and I have to sit so he can sketch me.

um..... no

Then a man named Jay asked me to dance. He was so nice and so funny. I forgot that I had a sad life for about 5 songs because he was so funny. He has children older than me, which was shocking because he looked maybe in his 50's.

A not so normal guy asked me to dance next and he was a tad bit scary.

By now I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I wanted more than anything to be left alone so I could just watch the dancers and breath. I am not a people person. I like computers, not conversation

That is when Chris came over and asked me to dance. What a relief he was! He was the first person near my age, and he had this protective air around him. He took me to the far corner of the dance floor instead of the front center, which was so nice. I felt I was able to kinda hide in this corner, but we were still dancing.

I stayed dancing with him, in that little corner for over half the dance. The first guy I danced with was just waiting for me to sit back down, so I kept Chris dancing, poor guy.

The band took a break and Chris asked if he could join me at my table. I came with a group of friends, so he joined them. My mother was one of the people, so I laughed when I introduced him to my mother.

He was able to handle my group of friends like a champ. We tend to get a tiny bit rowdy.

Anyway, the band started up and I danced with Chris a little longer. Then this line dance (Cuban Shuffle) came on, and I went to dance it while Chris stood and watched the dancers.

When the Shuffle was over, some lady grabbed Chris so my protective shield was gone.

A guy on disability who said if I was a few inches shorter he would hurt his back too much to dance with me. He was too touchy for my taste and it was very uncomfortable.

But Jay cut in to finish the night and he was amazing. He is 27 years older than me, so nothing romantic was happening. He just felt like an old, dear friend. He was saying how beautiful I was and it felt so nice.

During the break, Chris asked if he could text me sometime, so I put my number in his phone. I did not check my phone last night, but Chris sent me a text at midnight saying it was nice meeting me and he had fun dancing with me.

He lives over an hour away and he works full time, so neither of our schedules would allow any kind of R, but it was fun and needed. Good to know if I wanted to I could date.

Sometimes I feel like I will live the rest of my life alone. I feel no other man would want anything to do with me. So these dances show me that if I D my H, there is still life out there. My H was my first option. But I already waited for the man for over three years of our marriage now. Almost 3 last time, plus now takes it over three years.

And I am no saint, by anyone's imagination. I am unsure how the rest of you DB'ers are surviving without physical touch, but I am going nuts. Plus, I am sure he is getting physical attention when he visits OW. I see zero reason why I should live like a nun to please him.

OK, I see one very very very good reason. The people I meet now have feelings. I can use them in a dance for fun and a tiny bit of contact. That is what the dances are for. But anything further and I risk hurting someone. I cannot hurt someone else's feelings. So I have to be incredibly explicit that I am not looking for any kind of R right now.

But it is Monday morning, back to my databases, servers and my normal boring life.

[Ancaire]

Mona! What a fun time you wound up having. You and your group of friends sound like so much fun...I am truly envious. How cool is it that your Mom is part of the group? I love my mom. If she weren't married to a jerk, I would move in with her in a flash. I know she wants me to, but I have zero desire to play buffer. LOL

You inspire me to change. To get healthy so I can go out and have fun, too. This coming year will be all about "I can" for me. I want to live the best life I can for the years I have left. This entire nightmare has shown me I've been merely existing. If H ever comes out of his MLC, maybe one day I'll speak to him again. For now...done. I'm going to stay right here though. The friends I've made on this site have literally helped save my life and sanity!

Thanks for sharing "The Adventures of Mona". I'm going to have to live vicariously through you for a while. You are a treasure!

[Mona52]

Thanks Judy,

You have also been unbelievably helpful to me and I am so glad to know you. I can't wait to see what you do with your "I can" year!!

Living with my mom, and going out with her is far from optimal. She has issues and I am her favorite person in the world to be critical with. She tried to embarrass me at the karaoke party 2 nights ago and she tried again last night. But I am not a little girl anymore, so I will not put up with her talking down to me. She still does it, but it does not affect me one bit.

For now, I am also done with my lovely jerkface.
Unfortunately for him, I want no part of a depressed, self-destructive person. I heard everyone on this board when they said HIS PROBLEMS ARE NO LONGER MY PROBLEMS.

It was hard to separate myself from him. His feelings/my feelings. His money issues/My money issues. It was even harder to see myself as more than H's wife. But H is gone, so I have no real choice in the matter.

I sent him a text this morning:

Me: Hey

Me: Can I pick up those D papers today? I will figure it out.

Me: Do you know how long it takes to finalize?

That was like 6 hours ago and he has not replied yet, which is not normal for him. I dont really care, I just hope I can move forward with the paperwork today.

I still do want him as my H. But I am sure D is the only way to turn things around, plus I really want my maiden name back, NOW.

Once we are truly D'ed, he will finally see what he has done.

I want to be D'ed by March, if possible. That way he will have nothing to do if I win the fellowship from the National Science Foundation. I am nervous he will somehow get his hands on it. He is not a mean man, but I am 100% sure by March he will be in a financially desperate position. I have allowed him to take credit cards out in my name and other things in the past with no consequences, so he feels entitled to everything I have.

In the past this was my fault. Now, I wont stand for it. So, for me, it is better to protect myself by going through with the divorce ASAP, because it takes 90 days.

I am happy to say that I am more excited about this than hurt or scared. I was hurt and scared, but the second IC named that impostor syndrome, my self confidence grew.

I still feel fake. Last night I was petrified almost the whole time. My palms were so sweaty. I felt like everyone would point and say, 'she's too fat to be dancing' or 'she thinks she is so smart' and a million other things. But when my head screamed it at me, there was another voice whispering "You are the best dancer here" "You are smart". Unbelievably, the guys were saying out loud what the whisperer was saying "You are a great dancer" "You are very beautiful, I can't believe you are dancing with me"

Maybe they just wanted to get a room, and compliments do help, but no one asked me to go anywhere with them.

[Ancaire]

You are beautiful. I can tell. Your spirit is vivacious and lovely. I'm sure you're even more fun IRL! You are being hard on yourself. Stop it right now. It's hard to get over the critical voice, but look at you...ignoring it!

That's tremendous, Mona. You know that on some level. That's why you take such joy in reporting the latest escapade you've been party to. You are living life, loving it, and getting affirmations from other people that you are truly a person of worth. I'm sure your M really had you doubting yourself. That was H, not you.

I'm so impressed, I'm using you as a role model. How cool is that?

[Mona52]

Judy, THANKS!

This is all new to me. Last time, I flatly refused the possibility that he would not come home. So I never tried to separate myself. I had no job when he left, nothing to really be proud of, so I had no complex like I was not good enough.

Now, the more I think about my H the more I cringe. If he was a stranger I would never, in a million years, pick him. I would pick the man I married, but not this man.