So I haven't been around for a while. I've posted a couple of times recently but haven't been feeling too good. I don't know how it happened so quickly but after coming here last week, it really helped me. I guess it was seeing some of your posts and catching up on a few sitch's that I followed earlier this year. It was really good to read some posts and know that there is a way out of this. I've struggled all year and it's been so draining to the soul.
I don't know how it happened, but the most amazing thing happened at the end of last week. I found my switch!
I've been hunting for it for nearly a year, and at last, i found it and flicked it off. I never even knew that there was such a thing until BD. My XW found hers that day, she flicked it off, and that was it, game over for her. Her feelings for me came to an end and I was popped into the "past mistakes" file in her brain. I was envious as to how she could do that, to be able to just see it all as a neccassary ending and not feel the pain. That's not really true I know, she did feel it, just not to the degree I did.
S19 had spinal surgery three weeks ago (prolapsed disk - all sorted now), so we ended up spening around 10 hours together...just us two, whilst he was in surgery. We had lunch and talked for hours about "other stuff". It was almost surreal though, we slipped back into the old roles like a comfortable pair of slippers. Old private jokes were laughed at again, and there was a couple of times when no words were even neccassary, just a look said that we knew what the other was thinking. We laughed about it. It was nice.
We'd agreed in advance to not discuss the past but even she wanted to talk about it by the end. Diffcult not to after that many years together, and so many questions left unanswered. I didn't get any answers though, and it fact, what she was really doing was fishing for news on me dating.
I said that I hadn't been looking as such and although I had been on a couple of dates, I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't ask about her dating, but she volunteered that she hadn't been on any, and she wasn't looking at all.
Things really went downhill from there. I don't know if it was that being around me for that amount of time reminded her of better times and she didn't want to think about that, or if in that same amount of time, she saw all she needed to to know she'd made the right choice, but I didn't hear from her for about 10 days after that. I tried to text her just to say that she was welcome to come to the house to visit S19 whilst he was recovering (he has 2/3 months of bed rest and physio to go through) as she hadn't seen him since the op.
She took this badly, like I was trying to call her a bad mother or something? It wasn't like that. I was just trying to be kind for S19's sake.
So we ended up having an argument (by text). Then to really top it off, I find out on the grapevine that XW is organising a big elaborate plan for Christmas Day, with kids being dropped off, picked up, coming and going etc. The main problems being that my D16 would have not seen her brothers until the evening and would open her presents on her own (with me or XW), and that jus in general, I'm not about to let her dictate to me any more. If she wanted to discuss it, a simple text message saying "I propose this, what do you think". As it was, I was expected to dance to her tune yet again. Well, sorry love, I stopped doing that a while ago!!
I told her as much, to which I got back a message saying (amoungst the filthy swear words) "I don't care, I've had enough of all of this, you can have D16 all day if you want". I just text her back saying " that will be fine, thanks". I got one back telling me never to speak to her again. I deleted the texts, blocked her number from calls and texts (kept it in my phone in case of emergency), and I can honestly say that I haven't thought about her for more than a few seconds since.
I guess all of this is a combination of the AD's wearing off (so no more side effects which were getting me down), and time being the natural healer that it is.
It's taken (what seems like) a long time for me to realise that my worth is not decreased by the inability of others to see it. I have a plan of action for the coming year, which is a tough one but is crucial to my growth. More on this later. I'd just like to thank those who responded to my recent posts - it made me remember that I'm not alone, and never really was.
Speak soon, Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
