I need to do some work on my thread one of these days. I need to get it organized nicely, like Mutatio's. I really envy his threads and the thought he puts into them. But tonight? Tonight I will share the first of my court stories.
I had to appear in court just long enough to get the court date changed. Even for something as simple as that, you must appear before the judge. So, I google what one should wear to court, and dressed accordingly.
I was all agog entering the court-house. I had no idea there were different chambers, all with court cases being heard at the same time. I was a nervous wreck, having never been required to appear before. My lawyer walked me to the courthouse and chatted with me in an attempt to calm me down.
Right off the bat, I set off the alarms at security. I had to be pulled to the side and had a wand used on me. I know I had to have been white as a sheet, because my lawyer was snickering at me. Turns out metal buckles on boots is a good way to set the alarms off. (Note to self.)
We made our way to the correct chambers. I was instructed to sit with my group, while the attorney's all went to the front to wait. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my group. I was dressed like the attorneys! My group perked up a little with my appearance in the middle of them, though, so I was able to provide comfort. An obvious mom was amongst them!
I watched the proceedings with great curiosity. All the court cases being moved to another date went first. I got to observe people coming straight from the jail in jumpsuits and shackles. There was an interesting snafu when a DA was arguing for the defendant to wear a monitor to ensure he stayed away from the victim. Apparently, the guy knew where the victim lived but not where she worked. In order to tell him where he could not be, they were going to have to let him know where the witness worked, which kind of defeated the purpose of having him warned to stay away. The judge and defense attorney had a bit of a challenge getting the prosecutor to understand why telling the defendant where the victim worked was not a good idea.
Once my name was called, I went up to stand by my attorney. I stood there for a minute with him, while the judge and prosecutor looked around the room. Finally, my attorney said,"This is her." They both looked at me, full of shock. I sent a bright sunny smile to the judge, and he sent a friendly grin right back. I had to listen to instructions to stay out of trouble, stay away from witnesses (even though I live with one, kind of), and be available for random drug tests. Then I signed a paper with my new court date, and sailed out of there on admittedly shaky knees.
In and out in 30 minutes. Then, it was off to the bail office to provide them with my new court date. They were quite happy to see me. They remembered me quite well, and had been worried, apparently.
I never in a million years imagined I'd be having this experience! But since I am, I plan to make the most of it. I figured most of you would enjoy learning about the inner workings of the American court system vicariously. It's kind of nice knowing people I've never met, would likely have never met, remember me and are concerned. That is a pleasant surprise in the middle of all this ugliness.
H and the thugs intended to bury me in shame; I'm having a unique adventure instead. I'm not telling H I'm likely to get all charges dropped. I have a feeling the thugs would seek to stir up more trouble. I've had enough for one lifetime, thanks.
Very interesting observations on the court system, well done on tackling this in the best way and getting all the value out of it you can. This can be life changing for you, it can create a great reality bite. No matter what the result of your case.
It's a true wake up about WH, and from your writing on Mutatio thread, you understand this yourself.
You shine. So proud of you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/14/1509:14 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Ancaire, it sounds like you rocked it in the courthouse! Also, seems that random strangers that you meet can see the value in you too. No matter how yuck the day may be, remember that.
Wishing you the best!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Oh. My. God. I just had one of the most upsetting experiences I've had with H since he decided it would be fun to ruin everyone else's life in pursuit of his happiness.
I am so happy Vanilla had warned me to be extremely careful. She said that for some reason, the minute you drop that rope, the abuser can somehow tell and they can become extremely dangerous. I am here to say that no truer statement has ever been made.
I felt it the minute I let go. It was Friday. I just decided H wasn't anyone I would choose. I've been worried about protecting him, trying to get along with him so he wouldn't be too mad at me, and basically acting like a wife. I finally realized he could care less about me. I still care, but I'm not worrying about him anymore.
What kind of man leaves a sick and frightened wife? What kind of man emotionally tortures her so that he gets what he wants, with no regard to her well-being? He abandoned me and his family in search of thrills and adventure. I want a man of character and integrity - not someone my children have to be ashamed of. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just...let go. I didn't announce it. I didn't say a word - but somehow, he knew.
He arrived here at 6 this morning. I was not happy to see him, and that offended him right off the bat. He's been trying to force me into a very unfair divorce settlement using a variety of underhanded techniques. He sent me a threatening e-mail that I replied to on Saturday and copied my lawyer, too. Basically, we're going to have to have an emergency hearing so that he is forced to treat me nicely, give me some money, and stay away from the house until the divorce is final. I was trying to be accommodating by allowing him access to his home office to work. He wants me to leave without a penny to my name! He doesn't care about my health - he just wants me gone. I want to stay here, with my cardiologist, until my heart issues are resolved.
He burst into my room again at 8am, and informed me I needed to leave today. He ranted and raved, called me some really foul names, and threatened to get me thrown back in jail. My chest started aching because my heart was hammering, so I grabbed it, and he started mocking me. I told him to leave. He told me to be gone by the time he returned, "or else".
Thanks to Vanilla's wise advice, this entire encounter was caught on tape, I've just gotten off the phone with my L. He is in for a world of hurt now. He had the craziest look in his eye. I was truly afraid. He means me harm. So now, we're off to the exciting world of Protective Orders. I stood up for myself in that e-mail and it literally made him mad with rage.
I just sent him a text. "You are not to speak to me. You cannot be civil. Email or text only. Advise me when you plan to be around. I will not be abused by you anymore. I've had it. No contact, period."
His response? Find another place to live.
My L says his behavior, along with the tapes I have, is going to cause a judge to weigh against him in a way he's not going to like. I'm actually glad about it. Kind of sick to my stomach, truly, but happy he doesn't get to abuse me like this and just go on his merry way.
I thought Vanilla was talking about worst-case abusers. I guess she was - I just happen to be married to one for the moment. I am shaking so hard right now. I'm in shock, I know. I never imagined he could be so cruel. Who is this person? For the first time, I'm looking forward to being free of him. He's lost it. Lost all control of me and is furious. Why on earth would he care? He wanted to be rid of me so he could be happy with OW(s). I guess I was supposed to stay in reserve in case it didn't work out the way he hoped. I don't know.
I found my backbone. I just hope I live through the experience.
Just be careful. Try not to goad him if he does somehow ignore any court orders. Dont meet him at home and get advice from your kawyer that you are allowed to change the locks on your home.
I can't change any locks yet, until the emergency hearing. I plan to stay still as a mouse. I hate this situation. Hey! I just realized I didn't shed one tear today! That is HUGE. I'm scared and watchful - but not aching with loss like I usually am. I am having a tough time. Thank God for all you good people here supporting me. I honestly believe you've all helped me retain my sanity, along with my life. I'll be DBing forever...LOL
He is being beyond cruel. So happy you have it recorded. Don't worry about why he cares. Probably just a control issue. My guess is that it's about the financials. That's on him and not you.
Thank you also for being so honest and forthcoming about your situation. I want you to know it has helped me greatly and probably many others as well. Your words, "trying to force me into very unfair settlement" has just resonated with me. And I am thinking that I will not trust or put much hope into my husbands declarations To work torwards reconciliation. (I am remembering when your husband had agreed to go to retrovaille as well)
I think you are right. You need someone you can be proud of that can match your own integrity. And you need outside help to protect you.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Z - January 6th. I'll be smart, and alert my kids to the danger I'm in this time. He will hate me for it, but I don't trust him at all. My lawyer is presently contacting his lawyer to lay it on the line. He needs to settle down, or it will cost him more than he can begin to imagine.
Julie! Thanks for stopping in. I'm happy to learn my experiences have been helpful to you. I tried, so very hard, to save this M. I'm glad I didn't succeed. I think he was playing a game all along. He was trying to appease the kids, so they wouldn't be mad at him. But his bone-deep contempt of me would have ensured it wouldn't have worked. It's just so weird...I can actually pinpoint the exact time he began to devolve - When he changed from great man to monster.
One day he will realize he was lucky to have me. A loyal, loving wife, willing to forgive all and make changes to suit him, just so he could be happy? What are the odds of him ever finding someone like that again? At his age, with his present company? Not so good. From all I've read about MLC, he's going to wind up with people who are just as broken as he is. It makes me feel badly for him. But no-one can say I didn't try. I don't want to let myself feel outright hatred, though. I'll really have to watch out for that. Hatred has no place in my future.
I finally told my sons last night just what it was their father said that caused me to act so out of character the night I freaked out. I didn't want to do it (still trying to protect him) but we had a talk, and they were so very angry with me for "ruining everything" (what H told them) and they couldn't fathom anything he could have said to make me go insane.
Their poor faces, when I finally told them the truth. They thought about it for a while, and said they wish I'd told them at the time. Now they understand. They completely forgave me.
I just wish it didn't come at the cost of them losing respect for their dad.That's for their benefit - not for his. It's ironic that I still try to keep him upheld in their eyes, considering he has no trouble trashing me to the kids. But I've always believed kids need to think their parents are heros. I've heard so many people say bad things about their exes in front of their children, and it just kills me. What did the kids do? It might make the adults feel better to trash their ex, but they might as well stab their kids in the heart when they do so. It amounts to the same thing.
Mine are all into adulthood now. But he was a great dad when they were growing up, and he still makes the effort to pretend when he's around them, rare though it is these days. I don't want to harm that relationship.
My boys were truly happy I did finally tell them the truth, though. I could almost see the grudge they were harboring towards me lift right off them. I put up with their disappointment for him, for his benefit. It helps that I'm no longer as emotional anymore, though. I think I did the right thing. I earned their respect, at least. As their mom, having them proud of me makes me so happy. If he finds out I told them, my life will be hell. I need to speak with them tonight about what happened today, and warn them to keep the knowledge to themselves. I can tell they want to rip into him. They need to understand why that won't be a good idea until I am out of his reach.
Based on what I saw with my husband who was kept in dark about his parents relationship, I think you never want to trash their father, but you should not lie to them in order to protect husband and their relationship.
My husband modeled what he thought our relationship should be based on lies his mother told him and continues to tell him about his father. He is under impression that his parents had great relationship. Sometimes I think she believes the lies. (She confessed to me but never to my husband) basically she has enabled bad behavior and now husband thinks that is acceptable and expected from me throughout relationship.
I especially think boys that will one day be fathers need to know that dad's behavior should not be copied. You are strong and a good role model.
Last edited by JulieH; 12/14/1505:52 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
