Maybell XXXVII: Unpacking

[Maybell]

So he doesn't take the openings I expect... but he does ask me about myself. So it's a little bit tricky. And sometimes I think my broken places are meeting his broken places and so we're each reacting to that rather than to each other. Or that he's just slightly inept. I was talking about career stuff the other evening and he made the appropriate noises, and then told me a tangentially related anecdote about something similar that happened to a friend of his. I think he meant it as reassurance but it felt a little bit disconnected. And then too, I have a powerful personality and he is quieter. (I'm sure this will shock all of you no end...)

Mozza, your mention of your IC brings something to mind for me -- I haven't been back to IC of any kind since the trauma of last year. The thought of letting myself be emotionally vulnerable to a stranger is unbearable. I'm guessing that's part of my struggle with New Guy. I want to feel like I can trust him so I throw little breadcrumbs and when he doesn't respond the way I expect I take it super personally. He is very attentive otherwise, way more than I ever expected I merited.

I kissed him a week ago. Rather passionately, out of the blue. It had been almost two years since I'd been kissed at all and at that time Mr. Fantastic made it clear that it was a duty performance that was to be repaid with sex. So my whole body started shaking. New Guy interpreted that as me scared and he very sweetly stopped me and said he didn't want me to be too scared. Also that he was nervous himself. And he hasn't kissed me since, though he has given me sweet hugs. I asked him about it six days later and he got a little defensive and mentioned times when he was dating other women and thought things were going well and then he suddenly found himself dumped. It turned into an argument. We ended up glossing it over rather than resolving it, and I still haven't been kissed again.

I'm not looking for marriage potential at this time. I like him and I'm still trying to learn about him. He's distracted by a big project (how much am I making too many excuses???) and I'm not the easiest person in the world. But I'm starting to feel like, if the physical thing doesn't pick up at least a little bit then I may have to call it and move on. That would be disappointing. But I was hoping for someone with a little more of a take-charge attitude.

In other news, Mr. Fantastic fixed my health insurance until my Affordable Care kicks in. I still don't want to be anywhere near him but that helped with my anger against him. It was very scary to think of being unemployed AND uninsured.

Also, I found out yesterday that S7 has been crying from separation anxiety when I go out for an hour here or there and leave D12 in charge. D12 told me about it as I was parking the car at the grocery store last night. I turned around and said "S7, is that right? What's up with that?" And he started almost crying and said he misses me so much when I go. (The kids are all three also very clingy when they come back from time spent with Mr. Fantastic... anyone else deal with this?) So I hugged him a lot and told him I would never, ever leave him, that I would always come back, and that he couldn't change that. He's been sleeping in my bed a LOT. It's like toddler separation anxiety, which kind of breaks my heart because he was always my most confident kid.

I know there's not much to be done about it except just keep reassuring him that I'm not going anywhere and that I love him. It wasn't even worth the effort of being mad at Mr. Fantastic for it because it's just how things are now. But it hurts me to keep seeing how the divorce has hurt the kids in all these different ways. Even if he & I had managed a happy marriage, the kids would have had scars of SOME sort -- nobody gets through childhood unscathed. But I wish there were some way I could circumvent these particular kind of scars, because I can see how they will be so insidious in the kids' adult relationships.