Rustbkt - two things jump out at me. The first is a question: Did you get a chance to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? A lot of men who hold it all in just explode one day, in a manner no one ever expected. Was it a great move? Probably not. Can you recover? Yes. Shake it off, let it go. Let's work on moving forward now.
What have you done to GAL? I'm willing to bet your W is bored and thinks you have no surprises left in you. Get out. Get busy. Start living without her. This is HARD at first, but it is the single best thing to do for yourself. It distracts you from the pain at home. You get to make new friends. Your wife will be absolutely confused. That is a good place to start.
Apologize for going over the top if you feel you need to. Don't go overboard. Just acknowledge you might have gotten a little overwhelmed and lost your cool for a minute. Do not grovel, though. Don't expect a warm reaction from her - but apologize if it's called for.
Try not to obsess over a possible EA/OM. I know how hard that is, too. But it brings nothing but grief. You want to be relaxed, happy, going about your life. The goal is to create some mystery. A stressed out H is nothing new.
If you do great work DBing, and you reconcile - I'm sure she will tell you if there was something. Will it hurt? I cannot describe the pain. If you can forgive her, then continue on. If it's a deal breaker for you, you might need to get more sneaky...I can only say from experience that road leads to nothing good.
