Changing the dynamics at the hotel was awesome, good work. It's great to see how much power we do have in little interactions like that. Interactions that a year or two ago would have snowballed into something ridiculous. It makes me happy to at least recognize those dynamics now. Makes me hopeful for any relationship I have in the future no matter who it's with.
Hope everything is going well.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I have always thought of you as one of the more grounded posters here. In many ways your attitude reminds me of Edz. One of humour, insight and sense.
Change of ourselves is the main thing in my view which heals us.
CSA is one of many markers for a poor childhood. I believe we should all know our ACE score. ACE equals Adverse Childhood Experiences. These can be modified by resiliency factors.
Resiliency can be built and you are a factor in providing the environment in which resiliency thrives. This isn't work that can be done by us for another, we can however build resiliency ourselves and our children. Our own strength holds us.
I like that you chose to validate and would ask you to look at prevalidation as well. That is providing opportunities to validate, openings for it.
Thank you for your insights on my threadV
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Been crazy busy, yay - wouldnt want it any other way!
We went to Michigan for thanks giving and had a marvelous time with the inlaws. Good food, good drinks, got to my favorite brewery in pawpaw, got to see my hawkwyes go 12-0, walks in the woods and fun time with the kids.
Got home saturday and went to a gaming convention with wife and kids all day sunday. My 10 year olds first con where he got to play, he had lots of fun...very encouraging.
Have been tryng to play guitar more (try 5 nights a week, but not always able to), i am not learning that fast and i get somewhat frustrated by that, but i took note how truely far ive come since last xmas ans i just smiled, i enjoy music!
Sunday night, i was playing and wife came up to listen (i have a littlw practuce area up in our bedroom). She crawled under her blanket to listen, when i finished she 'encouraged' me to join her - i very much enjoy adult fun so that was wonderful.
Like the guitar, things have been moving very slowly, with lots of interruptions and setbacks. if i look back to when this crisis reared its ugly head all those years ago, i can see how different our marriage has become and that made me smile!
I have never heard of ACE scores so i will look that up and do some more reading.
The way you state about creating an environment for resiliency to thrive is a great way to look at this. I have fealt for a long time that rebuilding a foundation for a marriage is hard work, especially with people still living in it. i could have let things fall apart and just let this die, but who would that really help? Me, my kids, my wife?
Prevalidation is something ive come across a couple of times. I will do a refresher this week to see if i can gain some more insight.
I apprecite your kind words, though there are lots of times i feel anything but grounded in this
I play guitar! It's been years, but I've been looking at it, just lying there in it's case, begging me to come play again. The one thing holding me back? Having to recreate all the calluses. That hurts!
Hiya all, V & anc, thanks for checking on me. I have been reading all the posts and tring to lend a hand where i can, just not too much on me.
This last couple of weeks i have been busy with life. Focus has been so much on the kids homeowrk, sports and activities i havent made too much time for me other than the gym and it shows in my heart...wanting to break out a little. In laws were in town for 1/2 of rhe last week for a chrisymas party in Wisconsin. Went to that on saturday after took boys to thier wrestling tournament.
This week is much the same with wrestling meets, chorus, band and soccer matches. Thursday i am going on an overnight field trip with s13 for his science club for school. Busy for them not so much me time though.
When we leave there, whole family is all going up to minnisotta to see a friend for the holiday.
In laws will be back for christmas right after we get back from duluth. I dont mind seeing them, we have always gotten along well.
I am trying to figure out a way to carve some time out for my own sanity this week. The energy just isn't there the last two weeks and that startles me...it is like i feel a pull to just run away for a while and curl up into a ball in my bed. I used to hate doing that...but i did it.for years when o got home from work or after dinner when i wanted to feel sorry for myself or whatever.
I did want to mention something else i have been thinking about. I have been asked a coupke if times, wwhat changed in my marriage to kind or sway the dynamic a bit. I thought for a while it was just time. Idk if that by itself was enough. I have neglected the impact of space.
Over the last year and a half, i have been working on renovating my basement. The entire second half of 2014 and the first few months of 2015 i spent wvery spare moment of my existence down there. It gave me something to do so was not just sitting around waitinf. It gave me something to talk and work out details with wofe. It gave hope for a place to have more room for the family. It was a manly thing. It gave me space away from wife and a chance for her to miss me, all the while it was apparent that it was effort for the family, built confidence, a big 180 (following through on a big plan) and Something to at least consider as possibly having an impact on the synamic, we are talking 30 hours a week or ao for months.
Zephyr - what you describe as space sounds an awful lot like an at-home version of GAL. I've noticed that the people who do best around here are the ones who truly embrace that. I think it makes a huge difference!
Is the basement all finished now? Is it absolutely awesome? Which direction did you go? A family room? A man cave?
I really miss having a basement! Where I live now, the ground is so full of rocks, it's crazy expensive for anyone to have one. But the basement...so cool and dark. When we lived in houses that had basements, I wound up spending a lot of time in them. We had a lot of fun with our last one. We did a play space, complete with air-hockey, a pool table, and karaoke. My craft room was built in the back, behind all that fun stuff. I hated to have to move away from there...and it was mostly because of the basement! LOL
- i very much enjoy adult fun so that was wonderful.