Hi Slowly ... and welcome to the board altho I'm sorry for the reason that led you here.
Some of your background is very similar to mine. Since the EA/PA is a symptom of the what H felt was causing a rift between the two of you, has he ever mention what he felt was pulling the two apart or at least are troubling him? Are these part of the splendid list of goals you posted?
Its great the your H vows he will never leave, but has he expressed a desire to work at M to try to make it better? It may not be that you need to expect less, but rather recognizing the actions you are using are not resulting in the expectation you want and rather than repeating those actions that continue to go down cheeseless tunnels, seek a different approach that may work. For example, if you are looking to get somewhere 60 miles away within an hour, riding a bicycle won't get you there, you will need to select another mode to get you there. Sometimes the choices we make are not as obvious ... that they are not using the proper mode to achieve our expectations.
At the risk of my own embarrasment here, one of my W's biggest issues was that I was always too busy when I came home from work, so we didn't spend time together. So after dinner, I would sit down in the livingroom and unwind a bit while waiting for CAW to join me. She in turn would finish cleaning up in the kitchen and then go in the bedroom. I continued wait in the livingroom expecting if she wants to spend time with me, she will come join me. This went on for months. It culminated with her continuing to blame me for not spending anytime with her and me getting angry because I was sitting around waiting to spend time with her.
Simply taking a different approach was needed. Instead of going in the livingroom and waiting for her to join me, I started helping her with cleaning up the kitchen so that we already together and then we both would move on to the next activity.
So having disappointments because expectations are unmet may meaning having to examine the actions being taken and doing something different to get different result that may in turn meet your expectations.
It sounds like you are off to a good start to DBing. You may want to list some of your 180's as plan as to what you are going to do differently to reach your goals ... and if you master DBing, you will gain the patience you seek and will learned to slow down for DBing is a gradual process / transition towards where you want to be. Its truly where being the tortoise rather than the hare will get you to the finish line first.
