Hello, my friend! So much of what is going on in your thread is happening to me right now, too. I've given in recently to hopelessness. It's hard not to, when everything is changing in a way I never wanted. I've been pretty hard on myself, and everyone else, too, as a result. I'm not proud of it - but I think I was doing some necessary redefining of my life and boundaries. My children just want me to be happy. They are so tired of seeing me sad and beaten. I'm sick and scared. My heart is acting up, and the main stressor could care less.
I'm realizing tonight that is H's problem. What man of value deserts and abuses a wife who is having such severe health problems? What man blames his wife for all the is wrong in his life? Even when I waste my breath pointing out the flaws in his reasoning and he agrees - he goes right back to his script in mere seconds. I love him, or I love who I always thought he was. I've spent enough time believing his judgement of me.
I made mistakes in my marriage. I've apologized, and H has refused to accept my apology. That would require changes he is unwilling to make. I am a simple human. I'm beginning to realize he was lucky to have me. How many people have a wife like me? One who is willing to forgive and make changes? I'm not perfect, but my heart is full of love. Full of love for everyone but myself, it seems.
I'm making a commitment right now to work on that. I am generous, kind, and forgiving. I make mistakes, but I always apologize. I'm going to go at it deliberately, as V suggested. My health is poor. I can start right there. I need to work on finding a calm center. I don't have one...I'm nearly always in a state of panic. I think finding a calm center will be hugely beneficial in managing the stress I am under. I need to identify all the things about me I actually like, and focus on those areas. I've torn myself to shreds examining the things I don't like, and that has gotten me nowhere good.
I will be more than happy to take this journey with you, Mutatio. I think it will be of great benefit to both of us. I have no idea HOW to find a calm center. I'll research that tonight, and start practicing until I'm really good at getting there.
I admire you greatly. I think you're a man of great value and worth. How I wish my H had a portion of the love you have for your family! He doesn't, so I will undertake a journey to have enough love for both of us for the benefit of my children. They deserve no less than my very best. I think I would enjoy being the best I can be. I've never been there for very long in the past. I want to change that.
So, starting with one small step at a time, I'll learn to find a calm center and use it to start healing my physical and mental aspects. Once I get good at that, I'll ask for direction on where to focus next. I truly admire you. I'm so pleased I read your thread tonight, and found my focus!
Are you in? Shall we start forgiving ourselves beginning immediately? My emotions have been all over the place, thus my desire to start there. Where will you start?
