WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

I do not know what happened,and don't need to know about your childhood. Neither do I want to sound insensitive. I can only tell you about the wayward wife. You get whatever help you need from the professionals, but do not look to your WW to be the mother for your inner child. She is going through her own issues with a pain that is different from yours....but nevertheless, very real for her.

She cannot be an emotional nursemaid to your inner child. She just won't be able to handle it. Talk to someone else about your hurts and needs, but stop being this little insecure boy who is wanting his wife to mother him. She even doubts she ever was attracted to you. Know why? B/c a woman is not sexually attracted to her son! If you have acted the role of her child who is always needy, wanting her attention, wanting her to fix his emotional hurts..........then it killed the attraction.

Everyone has needs. And as an adult partner in a MR, we should be able to have normal emotional needs filled. We want to look to our spouse for sexual needs, love, emotional connection, etc. Obviously, everyone doesn't get those needs filled, and problems arise. If the emotional fallout from a traumatic childhood becomes more than the W can handle, or she wears too thin b/c of the constant draining effect, it can be a serious threat factor to the MR.

I think most everyone has something left over from bad things that happened during their childhood. Some people have traumatic experiences that scar them emotionally. I believe a loving spouse would hope their love would help to heal the spouse with emotional scars. In the beginning of the R, the spouse who is more emotional stable/secure may give & give to the spouse with the issues. However, after years of giving & giving........and maybe not feeling they get their own EN met........it could cause resentment.

In some relationships I have seen, the stronger, stable spouse becomes like the emotional caregiver to the weaker spouse. We see wives who act more like the H's mamma than his W. Eventually, she starts talking to him and treating him as just one more kid for her to raise. Now, some women may learn to accept that type of MR, but the other women will slowly start resenting him. And I am not trying to take a jab at you when I say this...........it does affect the level of male attraction if the H needs these reassurances all the time. If he is scared, hurt, lonely, fears being abandoned, etc., thereby becoming more attached......more clingy......more needy. The more & more he needs something from her, it's like there an emotional tax that drains her dry.

That wife not only resents his constant draining effect, she also notices her sex attraction is bombing out. She is loosing the feelings she had when she fell in love with him. She begins daydreaming of what it would be like to have a "real man" come rescue her and ride off into the sunset.

Now please listen. I am not discounting your problems in the past or present. I am, however, tying to get you to understand that if you want to really get her back....and keep her, then you have to drop this whole "What about me.....me....me....? Look at me....me....me. You are the one who were bad to me.....me.....me". She has gone one week after the real breakup with OM, and no contact? After four to six weeks of OM zero contact, let know about how she's doing. If you have been emotionally demanding on her, it won't work. One reason she turned to OM was to escape her reality. Think about it. You want to pressure her about your inner child? Your inner child needs to wait or go to a therapist, not his W at this particular time. She is not strong enough to deal with your inner child. She wants a grown man to step up and be the leader here.

This may sound as unfair to the LBS's as anything I have ever said. Your goal and focus has to appear strong. I am not referring with some weight lifter, but the guy who can handle his problems....and HER PROBLEMS, TOO! If he needs to go to therapy, then fine, but don't drag her along to it, or even discuss what was said in the sessions.

It has been one week since the breakup with OM. She is very.....VERY fragile. You could run her away forever by pulling that old card of What about me? I'm not saying your pain is not important. I'm saying that your W cannot handle it right now.

Thanks Sandi,

I'm in complete agreement. I don't think I ever really saw my issues in full clarity until now. Now that I can see them, it's obvious how inappropriate it is to seek for these inner child needs to be met from my W.

To be clear, what I'm describing here in recent posts is how I'm feeling, but it's not how I'm behaving. I'm doing a decent job of not pursuing and being the strong one. It feels really hard because while doing that, I have to privately manage all these inner child feelings which are screaming at me louder than ever. It's really, really hard! But I think it's getting easier gradually as my emotional muscle memory adjusts to the new reality.

To clarify, it has been about 3 weeks since my W ended contact with the OM. I don't believe her 100% but I do lean toward believing her. The fact that I am seeing her make a genuine effort to work on the M is what makes it convincing for me. She is doing IC which is getting uncomfortable for her. She tells me that the IC is gently showing her how she needs to grow up in many ways she never did. It's hard for her to hear this but she is not giving up. I have noticed that my W is more respectful in communication with me and is going out of her way to thank me for small things etc. Sometimes I can tell she doesn't really feel it but is forcing herself to. I think these are probably things the IC told her she should try to work on. Also, she told me that the IC is asking her to set long and short term goals. That's good, as it's also what DR emphasizes.

The thing Sandi said that sticks with me the most right now is the part about me needing to be the stronger one. Overall, I have always been the stronger one in many ways. I just have this one weakness and being cheated on is like being stabbed right at my weakest point, so it is bringing out the weakest parts of me. The least I can do now is just not respond to these feelings by being desperate and begging. I can at least say I'm doing a good job of holding back that urge, and the urge is gradually dissipating.