Thank you GB. I wish I had taken your approach early on, when the EA was first discovered. I feel like the biggest threat to our marriage is not the EA at this point though, it is his allegiance with his parents against me.
I agree with you about our MC. H claims the MC told him (I didn't hear this but they did have a private session) that this was the first time in 30 years that he did not tell a client to end his EA immediately. That his EA was "unique" and more of a "therapeutic relationship." I don't believe it for a second. I believe that H manipulated the MC and lied, which is probably why the MC had a softer view on the EA. Also was threatening suicide at the time, so that probably didn't help.
As far as snooping. I don't know how to snoop. H is leaving to work out of state in a few weeks, but could be talking to ow on the internal work IM very easily. I would have no way of knowing. If they are still seeing each other it is very underground, and limited to work hours, or to when he is traveling. Which I know sounds naive of me, but I do think that it is over. But could still be "simmering", I would lean towards that option. H leaves his laptop and phone out now, but seems to delete everything as soon as it comes in.
I have my own laptop and he has no interest in what I am searching or doing on here. He doesn't have my password. Because he never asked. I haven't snooped or googled ow's name in months. I do not want to put my energy there.
My IL's have joined H in an all out war against me, which has seemed to have settled down quite a bit. However there has been no remorse, no apology, no acknowledgement from H that this was wrong. He thinks that I have victimized his parents for all of these years. They are on board with that theory 100%. They have rehashed every argument or disagreement we have had in the past 20 years, and for months post BD H would get drunk and scream at me and rehash the argument from his parents "side." Claimed that I lied and his mother was "right about everything". I have been trying to conduct myself in a positive and loving way. I say nothing negative, I am positive, or mostly neutral as positivity is hard to come by in this situation, I do not complain, remain pleasant and polite in all interactions with them. Until September they continued to spew with H about me behind my back. In September after a particularly bad incident I took off my ring and told H that he needed to stop speaking about me with the IL's or leave. I told him it was abusive. He agreed to stop. I believe he did. But there has been no forward momentum since then. But a lot less visible anger on H's part, and he has been tentatively trying to initiate conversation more. Actually, this is when he put in for the travel job, that week. I took off my ring and told him to consider moving out, that his anger was unhealthy for me and the children and that his parents were fueling it. He put in for the job at that time, seemed to cool off quite a bit since then, but then the job came through.
So how do I proceed from here about his parents? Bottom line what I want is for him to stop all behaviors that could be further damaging the marriage- the affair, the tearing me apart with his parents and also I should add telling them EVERY thing, every thing that goes on in counseling, etc. Our marriage is not between just me and H, it also potentially still includes OW (my guess is maybe as a fantasy or background figure at this point, but she is visible to him) and definitely includes MIL and FIL. I want everyone out. How do I ask for that? How do I know if he respects these boundaries while he is gone, he could be talking to OW and the IL's all night long every night on conference calls on speaker phone while he is gone, ranting and raving about me. So how do I ask for this and how do I know if it is being respected?
If everyone is "out" of our marriage and it is between him and I, I truly believe we can repair it, and if not, then at least I know it was an honest effort. I would not limit the IL's interactions with the kids, or even with H, but I do not want to be the target for spew and I do not want my flaws- perceived or real- to be discussed and hashed out repeatedly. Whenever we see them, I feel like they "debrief" about me afterwards and then H gives me the rundown on all the ways I screwed up (had an unpleasant look on my face, comforted my son when the IL's thought it was inappropriate, etc.)
I should also say that when BD happened, MIL told me "now I can finally get the family that I deserve." A very small comment and a drop in the bucket compared to what I have heard or been confronted with since BD, but still, IMO very telling of the mindset I am up against, and H is completely on her side.
So here is the thing. Things have been slowly getting better. But very slowly and its been 10 months. I don't expect H to heal on my time table. But then, this is my life too.
