Keeping the door cracked

[gonegrl]

Becky, maybe you can "accidentally" text him about the great orgasm, and then say "oops, wrong contact, sorry that wasn't meant for you."

Leave the house, don't listen to them. It is a big deal. Can you go for a walk or go to the movies or something? Don't put yourself through this.

[beckyb]

Pho, you are hilarious.

I usually leave when he's there but today I had things to do. My friend was with me in the morning.

All in all I held it together. Just started have a panic attack toward the end of the day. He saw lots of PMA and GAL though.

[beckyb]

Yesterday was very difficult, being home all day while H was downstairs packing his stuff. However, I survived and some things went well. He saw lots of PMA and GAL. I was friendly. I was baking and visiting with a friend. He could see that I was decorating for a party.

[list]
[*]For the first time he ask a question about what I was doing. He ask if I was getting ready for a party.
He saw two of my/his friends yesterday and they both hugged him.
I casually gave him an airplane calendar I knew he would like. I'm worried I've been too detached. My DB coach reminded me to lovingly detach. This was a step.
For the first time he ask a question about what I was doing. He ask if I was getting ready for a party.
He saw two of my/his friends yesterday and they both hugged him.
Finally, and this probably projecting, when he left he looked a little bit regretful.

I'm very conflicted about trying to get the settlement proposal to H now that it is so close to Christmas. There is a scheduled attorney conference on Jan. 11 anyway. The risk is not getting an agreement in time to list the house in mid-February. I think I'm going to try to get in touch with my attorney and just lay out exactly how I feel and see what he says.

[Vanilla]

Becky

I saw your post on Jellyb thread.

Anxiety is usual in stress sitches, change the sitch and it passes.

It is unpleasant and infuriating.

At 60 I started with this and have learned to manage it. Now it takes a big trigger to get to me.

Return to a less stressed life and you will find your stress tolerance has increased. It's paradoxical and arises because in the rear view these events with your WH are unsettling and anxiety making. In comparison ordinary stresses appear insignificant, and are less likely to trigger.

This will make you stronger and it will pass.

V

[beckyb]

I don't like it either! My/our life has been extremely stressful the last 4 years but I've never experienced anxiety like this. Then again, I've never experienced such overwhelming loss and loss of control.

[gonegrl]

Becky, I am on anti anxiety pills to help me sleep. I only take them maybe 2x per week but they really help. I used to do yoga and it was amazing, I might try that again. Take care and know that you are not alone!

[beckyb]

Thanks Pho. I have Xanax and Ambien but I try not to take them very often. I need to ramp up exercise, cut sugar and meditate on scripture more. I believe that God will bring beauty out of ashes. Sometimes I just need to act like I trust that.

[Ancaire]

I'm joining you Becky. I'm going to create a version of myself I adore. Getting healthy and fit will really empower me. I've had some faith problems lately. I'm kind of ashamed at myself.

Well, only for a minute. I noticed and adjusted. This coming year, my goal is to be all about "I can". I've undervalued myself for way too long now. I want to enjoy the years I've got left.

Anxiety...ugh. I'm really struggling in that area. But since I've spent a bit too much time wishing myself dead, none of my doctors will let me have medication I can actually harm myself with. I'm both aggravated and grateful. I had plans, and backup plans. Not a good place to be.

I'm in a better place. I'm glad I've decided to be fully honest about what's really going on in my head with my medical team. It's just frustrating sometimes...I can't answer the "why"...I just really wanted to be gone. I had myself convinced everyone would be able to find happiness without me moping around. So unbelievable when I'm not feeling that way!

So, I've been kind of on this topic today...finding a calm center is my number one priority for several reasons. I need to manage stress and anxiety and stop letting them manage me. Prayer helps, but I'm never calm when I'm praying...I'm usually a pile of blubbering sobs. I'm having so much trouble with the "why". "How could he?" "Was I really so awful I deserve to be abandoned when I need help so desperately?" I just need to accept, I guess.

I've missed your calm self! I was offline for a bit. I didn't want to drag every one along with me again on my trip through emotional hell. I really have a special spot in my heart for my prayer DBers!

Have a great day.

[beckyb]

Good to hear from you. I am going to focus on memorizing and meditating on scripture. It helps me.

[beckyb]

I went the entire day low carb and aloso refined sugar. Yea me.