I feel privileged to that you share so much with me. Your mention of your lovely daughter. A smiled at you mention of Carmen of Soda. My mother's name is Carmen. There is always light through pain.
I am frustrated by this feelings and state they produce. I have not had one of these episodes about Mr Ex in many months. And as I reflect I know that he has very little to do with it. This overwhelm is not about my love of him, that has gone. All love and respect died for him when I realised that a man who leaves his sobbing naked partner on the floor crying to god to end the pain of life because it was too much to bare, that he was not that man for me. Who walks out of someone in that much pain.
As for this event trigger of anxiety and depression. Lovely Champion Bodyguard is everything that I aspire to me more of and have spent the last year working to become. And I feel so far away from being her. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated that the baby steps are not adding up to anything significant. I am frustrated that my outside doesn't reflect all the work I have been doing. If Mr Ex bumped into me today he wouldn't see how far I have travelled. I am frustrated that in that thought there is still so much approval I am seeking.
I am overwhelmed that life doensn't match the image I have in my head and that I have absolutely no idea how to make it happen. Other's make it look so easy. How did Mr Ex fall in love and find the girl of his dreams three months after BD and i'm still here managing anxiety and feeling fat and unattractive, feeling stuck and alone. How does that happen? What do I do, give be, change to have what he does.
These thoughts and feelings are not helpful and leave me breathless and pained.
I don't expect answers, because I know them. Just a moment of suffering and overwhelm. This too shall pass and an even keel will regained and I will find my peace. Alone or with some one.
Thanks V, I know I can pour my heart out to you and there is no judgement.
