What I have seen is pain, confusion, and something like narcissism.
I experienced much of what Zues mentions above. I had told my W that as far as I was concerned, pretty much anything goes in the bedroom as long as it stays between us. Used to tell her I thought one key to a happy marriage was keep the sex dirty and the fights clean.
She would say she liked something, and when I'd do it, or want to do it more often than she thought was 'acceptable', I was told I was a pervert. Or had 'issues'. Etc.
Despite being high drive with decent skills, I eventually lost most of my desire for her in the last couple or three years even though I thought (still do) that she was the sexiest woman I ever knew. She was always my first, best, and only choice.
While I would prefer to have our M even still, I do feel relief from not being constantly put into a box and labeled.
Haha. Oh you have no idea. Under a boardwalk at the beach...elementary school parking lot...room on 20-something floor of a big city hotel with the curtains open...
Well I've been married for a long time with young children, not so creative any more! And now just when the kids are getting more independent my H decides he wants out. Great timing on his part. I am pretty easy to please actually. Just happy to be wanted. Which I am no longer. Can't compete with the lonely coworker in the middle of a divorce who does backwards flips on trampolines for fun and has no children demanding to be taken to pesky doctor's appointments. Sigh.
When we do get together, everything about it is intense. It's like we can't get enough of each other. The kissing is passionate and it feels like more than just sex.
He also wants to hold me in bed or hug me throughout the day. He says it helps him in his healing process, which I don't understand at all. He tells me he wants to divorce me for peace, but apparently still needs me in his life on some level. This is all so overwhelming and confusing. Then I get upset after we have sex because I know he doesn't really want to work things out with me and is looking forward to divorce. But it feels so good to be with him, that I guess the denial helps me at least during those moments.
I've also thought that maybe if I'm sexually available to him, it will make him want me more. (like getting him to think this is what he'll be missing.)
Do i hug him, hold his hand (another thing he still likes to do), unwind with some wine and a movie after the kids are down, just like we used to? I I don't want to end up feeling the rejection even stronger if/when I realize it's all for nothing.
I know I sound desperate. It's because I very much am. Any help? Thoughts?
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
I know I sound desperate. It's because I very much am. Any help? Thoughts?
He's cake-eating. You're allowing it.
Analogy: It sounds to me like you're going along with it because it gets you a little 'junk food' that temporarily takes a little edge off the pain, but doesn't make you healthier or stronger like real good food wood.
Is it working for you? Helping you detach, GAL, make the best decisions for yourself?
Klassic, you are not that far into this journey. Is he willing to go to MC with you? Have you done whatever he has asked of you to rebuild trust? It sounds like there is still a lot of love and hope there. It hasn't even been 3 months, healing takes a long time.
tl2 - that's what it feels like to me. Yet --- yet ---- I can't help but hope that giving him what he wants (affection, sex, etc) will somehow bring him back to me. In regards to your questions - No, no, no, and no.
He keeps saying how he wants us to be "friends" for the sake of our children. He wants us to help each other heal from the pain, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell that means? I feel like he's the one causing me this pain, yet he wants to be there for me during the process?? I don't know how to act with him since I am the one that had the affair in the first place. I almost feel obligated to help him heal.
pho, I've asked him to give our marriage six months so we can see if individual and couples counseling can help him/us to heal, but he said no.
As for myself, I've done an outpatient intensive and was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and sex and love addiction. I've been working on myself extensively in counseling and will start attending SLAA meetings next week. I ended the affair right before I told him about it and have had no contact with the OM since. Nor do I have any desire to do so. I've deactivated my FB account and basically told him I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. His response? "I just don't feel safe with you and you damaged my soul."
So....overwhelmed, sad, angry. I'm afraid I'm going to be bitter.
Last edited by Klassic; 12/14/1512:52 AM.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
