In The Arena II

[JellyB]

This isn't the way I wanted to start a new thread. I wanted these feelings to pass, and then I planned start a new thread with optimism and sense of leaving the past behind, and declaration of my future plans and dreams.

I guess I can choose to do that at any time.

For now though feeling broken and defective. Yip!

Did you know that Mr Ex's new partner is a Champion Bodybuilder?

Did you know that Mr Ex's ex partner (that would be me) is a Depressive Fatty?

Oh and its F***ing Christmas!

And so the thoughts have ruminated since I was triggered yesterday to a little mental breakdown.

It has been building for weeks and I am hormonally primed, so it was pretty much a certainty that I was going to flip my lid.

There is more rational stuff to say, but I'm having anxiety attacks, breathless, hyperventilation, and crying, thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, what's the point kinda of stuff. Don't worry no plan, it's just the anxiety running it's course . I know it's not real. Just biology, psychology and circumstance clashing. This too shall pass. It's all just mental rubbish, I know that. The sense of overwhelm is just a*rse.

I am at home (stayed home to the ugly snotty crying), the sun is streaming in the window. I have a beautiful view of Mt St John and greenery all around . This will pass.

Thanks to all who posted on my last thread.

JellyB XXX (white knuckling it for the short term)

[Rouky]

Don't worry about it JellyB, we all at one point had a breakdown. Mine was at work! While having it at work it made me realise that a) I had reached rock bottom and couldn't sink further and b) that I might have been on the brick of losing the one positive thing and that I dearly ( beside my kids) my job! Only then I real sued that I wasn't prepared to let H win this battle!

You'll get through it. You are strong and you entitle to have meltdown because after all we are only human :-)

Take care

[JellyB]

Thanks for you kind words Rouky. Ah having a meltdown, human for other's and under most circumstances appropriate and I would provide the same advice.

Re my sitch re-inforces why Mr Ex BD, and why he is now with his lovely Champion Bodybuilder. So it is a bit circular. I beat myself because I am not more like her physically (slim, athletic and strong) and mentally ( mentally tough and disciplined) and then I get depressed and then I beat myself for being depressed and then I feel bad because being depressed was why Mr EX BD, etc etc etc, etc. Big whopping emotional black hole....Aarrrggghhhh

[gonegrl]

Jelly, my H's ow does gymnastics on a trampoline, literally aerial trampoline flips and other stunts, in her free time, whatever the heck that is. WTF? And for the record, no offense to anyone on here, but I think bodybuilders are gross. I mean, sure, being muscular and fit is attractive, but once you reach a certain point where all your veins pop out and the muscles have muscles? IMO, gross.

[JellyB]

I just feel so humiliated, that I ever exposed my body to him, ever exposed myself at all. DId he just settle for me until the better prize came along. I know he has an ego and likely sh

[Vanilla]

JellyB

And you aren't a trollope sleeping with others H!

You are wonderful just as you are. If you want to be stronger physically that's up to you. Do so for your health, not your looks.

Anxiety is a state, I know I suffer this one, it's a package deal with PTSD. It will pass, when it starts especially in public I usually try to find a private place , disabled loos work well, then I sit down, I tell myself breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe over and over. I rock and weep sometimes I moan and gulp.

I feel wiped afterwards. Lack of vitamin B won't help so take loads of B complex. You will need to toilet, handy that I find disabled loos. I also apply cold water to my face. I wait until it's passed, which can take a while.

It will pass, each one leaves you stronger than the next. Ironic isn't it that anxiety attacks make one stronger! The body becomes more tolerant of the flushing too.


I keep short of a panic attacks these days, just good old fashioned anxiety attacks. For those that don't know panic attacks squeeze the chest and breathing goes shallow, there is emotional flooding too. Often feels like a heart attack but it isn't. Anxiety attacks are less intense but last longer. Both leave one wiped energy wise and craving carbs.

I always need an early night too for a couple of days. Try sweet potatoes avoids the need for cards and will fill you up. Also tinned salmon is good too.

Jellyb it's ok, nothing to worry about long term.

It burns loads of calories too and raises metabolic rate, that's the good news!

Extreme self care Jellyb, heal from the physiology up. The weight issue is for you to tackle if it's getting you down.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Jellyb just as she is. Absolutely nothing at all.

On another thread we discussed loss, I thought I might share the name Grendine with you, my special friend. My little girl was conceived on a night H1 and I had cocktails. My grandma made her own syrups amoung them Grenadine but she couldn't spell and the label on the bottle said Grendine. This is a very precious syrup made from pomegranate seeds and is hard to make. It seemed appropriate. I know you counsel those with loss so I feel very safe sharing anything with you that distresses me.

This same Grandma had carmen of soda as well. Bizet would turn in his grave.

I am around if you need to chat awhile about the anxiety. It truly isn't about looks, only an English Prince would give up the beautiful wife Diana for the ordinary Camilla. My WH fish wife looks like an old barn door, scrawny and drunkard. It's about him not you. Your confidence in you and your body is an important gift to yourself. We are all shapes sizes colours and some of us have disabilities. I have a friend with a double mastectomy, who was worried she wasn't a woman any more, she rocks and can pull anywhere.....

Hugs

V

[Jpeg]

Jelly - I really don't think it's about our bodies. My H's OW is fit but short. I am tall and lean. I am more beautiful and he knows it and has said it. But I still feel dumped and crappy about myself so I totally relate What I may have in confidence about my looks and intelligence OW has stripped away with Her youth. My body has born 6 children - hers none. But I know it's not about that either sorry this was no help to you but just know we all feel the same no matter what we look like

[beckyb]

Jelly and V,

I get anxiety attacks also. Not as bad as in the beginning. Yesterday I had a big one when H was here packing his stuff. (he didn't see it). I literally feel like can't breath. But it passes.

The carb cravings are terrible. Tomorrow I'm starting a new eating plan to try to break some of the sugar addition.

Friends who have been through this say it will not always be like this. I believe then. I have to.

[Vanilla]

Thanks for you kind words Rouky. Ah having a meltdown, human for other's and under most circumstances appropriate and I would provide the same advice.

Re my sitch re-inforces why Mr Ex BD, and why he is now with his lovely Champion Bodybuilder. So it is a bit circular. I beat myself because I am not more like her physically (slim, athletic and strong) and mentally ( mentally tough and disciplined) and then I get depressed and then I beat myself for being depressed and then I feel bad because being depressed was why Mr EX BD, etc etc etc, etc. Big whopping emotional black hole....Aarrrggghhhh

OK, JellyB, spiralling thought patterns. Whilst you are in the middle of this lets create a pattern interrupt. Something that will break the cycle.

Let's learn from this for the future so that when the cycle starts we recognise it and interrupt it.

Your cycle seems to be about 4 weeks and a trigger sends you downwards.

Have you identified the trigger?

It's truly a choice at trigger point to say this is a trigger let's take action on it.

Normally I go GAL when this starts or I get a sauna. Heat helps.

What would cause an interrupt for you? A film, a meal, a walk, getting pampered?

Let's bottom this out and reduce its effects on Jellyb as much as we can.

Let's manage it, if possible making it a strength.

Know this is absolutely completely normal. Within the usual normal standard distribution for those in stress sitches.

V

[JellyB]

Thank you lovely V,

I feel privileged to that you share so much with me. Your mention of your lovely daughter. A smiled at you mention of Carmen of Soda. My mother's name is Carmen. There is always light through pain.

I am frustrated by this feelings and state they produce. I have not had one of these episodes about Mr Ex in many months. And as I reflect I know that he has very little to do with it. This overwhelm is not about my love of him, that has gone. All love and respect died for him when I realised that a man who leaves his sobbing naked partner on the floor crying to god to end the pain of life because it was too much to bare, that he was not that man for me. Who walks out of someone in that much pain.

As for this event trigger of anxiety and depression. Lovely Champion Bodyguard is everything that I aspire to me more of and have spent the last year working to become. And I feel so far away from being her. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated that the baby steps are not adding up to anything significant. I am frustrated that my outside doesn't reflect all the work I have been doing. If Mr Ex bumped into me today he wouldn't see how far I have travelled. I am frustrated that in that thought there is still so much approval I am seeking.

I am overwhelmed that life doensn't match the image I have in my head and that I have absolutely no idea how to make it happen. Other's make it look so easy. How did Mr Ex fall in love and find the girl of his dreams three months after BD and i'm still here managing anxiety and feeling fat and unattractive, feeling stuck and alone. How does that happen? What do I do, give be, change to have what he does.

These thoughts and feelings are not helpful and leave me breathless and pained.

I don't expect answers, because I know them. Just a moment of suffering and overwhelm. This too shall pass and an even keel will regained and I will find my peace. Alone or with some one.

Thanks V, I know I can pour my heart out to you and there is no judgement.

Much love

JellyB XXX