dday, gaining traction

[Ancaire]

Number 1.D. Took me a bit to catch up! Your W, and why she wants to be friends. Lots of different reasons, but the main 2 for her???

Easier and her giant ego.

If you're still good buddies, life is just great. "Dad and I get along great! We just don't live together." I can almost hear her...

Ego? Self explanatory. "Look how wonderful I am - even my ex still loves me!"

A part of you just sighed, and another part is irritated with me, right? I've been right here with you on these boards for months. Her behavior is so true to typecast, I can probably predict most of her moves. I'm not hatin' on your W. Just trying to help you with a little clarity.

Number 2. So, your friend wants to set you up with a single lady? You'd like to go? Best get moving on that Divorce right away. Do not date other people while you're still married. I'm sure you were thinking about a casual meeting, or maybe you were planning to do it after divorce...but I can't let this one go by. A married person should not date. Live in such a way you have no regrets. Wait until after D. What if you like this woman? Then she has to wait on your D? Who would feel good about that? Low-down, pond-scum sucking OP's, that's who! No integrity, low/no morals, lack of character...just...don't...don't put yourself in such a position. (I guess I feel strongly about it...lol)

Big sister in the house!

[dday]

Thanks Ancaire, I am not offended in the least. Glad you are back! I have been avoiding her the best that I can. I do not feel comfortable around her. I am more detached, but some feelings still leak through. Disappointment is a big one right now. BUT, I am not going to stop doing things because she may be there. Like this party that is next weekend. I'm going, and all of our mutual friends will be there... and the couple that is trying to set me up with their friend.

#2 D. I don't want it, but I have no say in that. It is the W divorce, I and everyone around us are along for the ride. She gave me the property settlement papers 3.0 a couple days ago. If I agree, its done. I still would take the OLD her back in a second, but not the self absorbed person that she is now. I am done waiting on her. She will finally feel me dropping the rope. I have tried, and given my all, for the past 11 months. If she finds herself, her true self, and wants to work on us... But, I may never see that her again. I am not gonna waste my life pining for that girl anymore.

Thanks, Ancaire! keep talking to me!

[tl2]

dday,

Sounds like you're heading in a great direction. Keep moving forward bro.

I also agree with what Ancaire said above.

[Ancaire]

You're moving in the right direction, D! Drop that rope. Meet new friends. Maybe she'll wake up, maybe not. But you? You went above and beyond with your DBing. You were a role model. I am proud of you!

[dday]

I am a little excited. I am nervous. I hate that I am in this sitch. I feel sorry for my boys, both of our families, our friends, and future grandkids even. W decision is going to make a huge change in everything. But, it is hers to make.

I'm done appeasing, backing down and rolling over. I will not mortgage my, or my boys, future. She doesn't mind, but I do. I'll never understand, and I know I should quit trying. Not my monkey.

I will be basically starting over, with my retirement and clothes and tools. I can do this, but my comfortable lifestyle is gone. So is hers. So is my boys. I will have to overcome and instill the values of never quitting in my boys. I know they will see the consequences for the rest of their lives. But, I will try and use that as a teaching moment when they are older.

I would have killed or died for her. Worked my ass off to give her things. Now she tells me that she doesn't respect me. Crazy

[sandi2]

Her motivation is Guilt

.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I disagree that the wayward wife is motivated by guilt. She is motivated by selfishness! If it does not benefit her in some way......she isn't interested.

I have said so much about the whole "staying friends" topic that I am hesitant to comment again........other than to say it's not out of guilt and I don't really see it being out of justification. It's more about holding onto that power of control/manipulation over his life, and keeping one foot connected.........just because.

Let me say this, again, about the guilt factor. The WW does not feel guilt at this point. Not like you want to think she does. She feels completely justified.......not guilty. That is why it is very difficult for a WW to reach the point of remorse. She may agree to go back into the M and put everything behind them.........but remorse? Very, very difficult and takes a long time for her to get there.

[dday]

Thanks Sandi. I agree that she wants to keep some measure of control too. She is completely self absorbed, and it shows to everyone now. Coworkers, people at kids basketball, friends, etc.

I don't want to be friends, and I am showing it now. I don't chat anymore. I don't really even listen if it's not about my kids. I made it a point to sit in a different section of the gym at the highschool game. Sat with my cousin, who said that she kept looking over at me. I never saw it because I made a specific effort to not look at her.

I'm probably coming off as an ass, but I really don't care right now. Is that wrong? I'm having an angry week, sorry. I have been so concerned about doing something that offends her that I haven't really lived my own life.

Time for that to change.

Rant over. (Mic drop)

[tl2]

I'm probably coming off as an ass, but I really don't care right now. Is that wrong?

It simply doesn't matter. You're doing good. Keep up the good work.

[Ancaire]

I'm probably coming off as an ass, but I really don't care right now. Is that wrong?

It simply doesn't matter. You're doing good. Keep up the good work.

Agreed. It doesn't matter anymore. You're not getting anywhere worrying about her. It's time, D. How much of that rope is still in your hand? I don't see how you're coming off as an ass, though. You're being distant. That's not hateful. When you're purposefully rude? Then you're being an ass.

I foretell that she will likely attempt to imply you're being mean so you go back to being the way she wants. Don't listen because you're dropping the rope. Calm and Strong. Right?

[dday]

Thanks tl2 and Ancaire. I kinda feel guilty for letting go. I think that is what has held me back. I just have to remember that I am not the one that quit. And I am letting go out of love, because that is what she wants right now.

Question. This may seem weird. Lately, when I am having a good day, it's like my W can sense it. I don't even have to see or talk to her. She will text/call whatever and bring up something about the D or splitting time with the boys. Is that possible? Is she sensing me letting go and trying to put my life back together? (I believe in ghosts too, by the way). Almost like she doesn't want me to be ok? Or is it just a coincidence that I have a good day and laugh and talk, and then she swoops in with some tidbit of crap?