Ok so I am seeing things a little calmer I am not spinning so much and I can even see how over the past six months I have been running scared I have been frantic G, You are still spinning, you are doing donuts on your future. You ARE running scared of being alone and losing the comfy life you had. You still havent told me 5 things you love about your W. If you cant come up with them why stay married? For convenience? I posted the answer to this above OK Noted
Ok so persuing is not good and I have been doing this through my fear of being alone and I see all I am doing is pushing her further away so this has now stopped. It hasnt, it will continue as all the other times you said the same story.
It may already be too late I do not know all I know is I have to start changing my thinking process if I am to either make a difference to my M or Make a Difference to myself. Your M is dead and no defibrilator will jump start it. Think about making a difference to G in order to start this possible new M. It does not have to be either one or the other. What does make a difference to ghost mean do things for me I realise my marriage is dead right now my W is co living with me does this not time me valuable time to wpend with her and the kids if this is something she wants If you truly believe your M is dead then why do you keep trying to repair it instead of working on yourself to offer a new R to your W?
Beginners mindset .....humm...put myself in her mindset NO there you go again ... thinking you know what she is thinking. You always make this mistake.
Actions rather than words THIS ....might be a good starting place I think you said this many many times already. My wife does not believe my words she has heard them all before and she does not believe that I can change No because in all honesty I cannot see any change in you and furthermore she needs time. You expect her to flip in a few months and then get frustated when she doesnt react. Remember she has been brewing for years and you want reactions in months? Since bomb date I have continued to work hard At What? I have changed my working hours so I get to spend time with my children before work every day OK I have booked Sunday's off work so I do not work Sunday's OK I have taken my little girl to the play center to the park out for a break to my sisters for 4 Days Good keep it up I have been doing much more arround th hous with regard to house chores and cooking and cleaning washing ironing as it has been said before I could be Mary flippin popping and it would not have any effect on her wanting to work on the marriage. OK but you also know being a Mary Poppins as you say is part of the change not the main focal point ... right?
I have made many changes that she will be seeing in a day to day basis I am working out and loosing weight.
I do not want to appear self centred by taking myself off and doing things for me and not putting my children first my wi used to always says that I did not do enough with the children,so I wold see what I am doing as a 180 but do not worry today I have got plans for me and my little girl we area going to the play center and I will be taking her to Father Christmas I will ask my W is she wants to come along this is up to her.
I think back over the marriage and there have been many times where we have argued over a relatively small things these are things that she is now making into a bigger issues and for her they are bigger issues. To you they were small maybe not to her. Additionally many frequent busts over small things hide a big issue. Maybe she saw and you did not. Maybe she is also rewriting for her benefit. You do not know the truth unless you honestly analyze and find out
The things that we argued over were Me not doing enough with the kids I was always at work Me spending too much time on my iPad and my computer Me not spending the evenings with my W Me not doing enough cooking Me not doing my share of the housework In short YOU taking her for granted. That is a BIG issue and one where W DO search for that interest elsewhere ... see how you got it wrong? When things were tough she stood by yourside ... did you stand by hers?
I read on someone else's post and I will add to it here I do not see how divorce selling the house choosing to see th children 1/2 the time ....becoming single parents to 4 children swapping the kids over twice a week or three times a week for the next 16 years with me staying in contact with my wife and her staying in contact with me through our children. Can possibly be better than staying in trying to work things out Bla bla bla again more of the same G If she does not want you or stay with anything will be better than what she has, can you not grasp this? if you were in prison with all luxuries would you want to stay or would you prefer to be free and face a lot of work?
She knows that we both love our children unless she has an alternative master plan then there is going to be a lots of swapping over of children Maybe that is her masterplan and there may be lots of swapping if it comes down to that be prepared.
I sometimes say to her I just want to make things better and she immediately says will better for you is asked getting back together and having sex no it's not but I don't know how I can let her know that's not what I mean getting back together could be any number of things it could be spending one night with each other going to the cinema once every couple weeks enjoying each other's company it might be going to the theatre it might be going out for a drink going for a meal once every week or every couple of weeks and just try andget along and see if our friendship grows.....but I can say this to her without it seeming pursuing It is persuing and what do you have to offer different than what she was getting and didnt want. How close are you to offering what she might want? Do you really want to become a housemate for the rest of your life with her? Are you really ready for a life of celibacy if that is what it will come down to?
So I need to back off and give her space YES!!!!! oh and STFU
We have been separated for about six months She has, not you though. but we're married 17 years together 25 years and although we have been separated for the past six months we have probably spent as much time together if not more doing things for the children and doing things together And ? ...
Ok so something that she felt very strong about was that she felt I was being controlling and that she would not go out with her friends or even add males on Facebook through fear of it upsetting me do you think I should just turn round to her and say look I do not mind if you add people on Facebook I to you like I do not mind if you go out for a meal or a drink with someone else the bottom line is she is not with me and even if she was with me and if we ever did get back together this is something that would very much after change to allow her to do these things and to live her life the way she wants to live it. I can imagine what it was like to live with you. You are a control freak but I think more out of insecurity and low self esteem than anything else. Unless you address that problem forget any chance of getting back or even piecing.
max you state that I am a control freak YUP you do not know me I never met Jack the ripper but think we can agree he did have to work on his social skills. yes I have insecurities i am working on regarding my weight see what I mean ....sure I do not like the idea of her adding males to her friends controlling attitude through insecurity with added jealousy it is almost impossible that males and females are just friends if there is an attraction then affairs can and often will develope Affairs develop if there is something missing at home and someone else is at the right moment at the right place and it doesnt have to be with a brad pitt look alike. Do you really want to go through life thinking your partner will have an affair so easily. Do you really think so low of yourself? Dont you think it is time to earn some self respect and show your W and rest of the world who you are and you have something to offer? I realise I have no say in this and she could if she wanted to fill her pages this is not something that she has started to do. Does not mean anything.
So I realise that I have to work on my insecurity if she wants to go out and if she wants something to happen then it will I have no control so might as well let this go YES you have to work on your insecurities and a LOT and be prepared for her to maybe have an EAPA. The problem will then be how you react if she does. If you're lost now then if that happens you wont even find your way with a GPS stuck up where the sun dont shine. Additionally, women dont like insecure men. Believe me on that one.
The marriage we had we could never ever go back toWould you want to? NO I WOULD NOT. Why? Would she want to? Why? SHE WOULD NOT WANT TO I just do not see why with all my changes that I'm doing G, WTF, the only real changes I have seen you make is change your member name and add new posts. What serious and deep changes have you really made G and of those, which ones really would want to make your W come back? why we cannot get to the stage where we have a very different marriage but she is not right now prepared to give it a chance Exactly. She may be prepared to give it a chance if there was something to attract her. You are just offering the same misery. She may think she deserves better than what you have given her lately and she wants it. Keep up your methods and she will definitely never want to give it a chance. How can you offer a different marriage if you are stil the same person.
So all I can do is keep working on me andbecoming a better person and who knows what that might bring For a start it will make you a better person and if it is too late for your w will help with any future R with someone else and until then help you cope with being alone.
Seriously G,
I really wish you would stop smothering her, start working on yourself, stop contradicting yourself, stop lying to yourself and above all else stop asking questions you know the answer to.
NB: Stop mentioning about you initiating a D etc. You know full well you are only trying to get a reaction from her. The problem with using ultimatums as a bluff is if you get called out on them.
G I think you are a smart and intelligent person but with a lot of insecurity issues looking for an easy way out. If you truly think your R and W and kids are worth fighting for then stop whining and start growing a pair and follow the advice here. Not mine but someone's. It has been proven that your way isnt working.
