I realised that the 2nd outburst happened because we have never resolved the issues from his 1st outburst.
Yes this is how I see it unraveled in my M as well. In my case, my XW was clearly not committed to me or honoring our M (even before she cheated...assuming she wasn't cheating then as well, which she sure could've given the 3 OM I know about).
My role in the circus was to ignore her actions and believe her words because it was what I wanted to hear back then. But I didn't deal with the anger that caused in me. And she was dishonest and manipulative (always has been; I refused to see it back then).
In the end, though, I had to understand that the person I was really angry with...and which was the root cause...was myself for my denial.
The thing about angry people...they/we are really angry with themselves/ourselves for their own choices, and then the rejection, the being out of control, everything feeds back into that just like the inflow of a trop storm or hurricane.
Once that person comes to the point where they truly accept (and not just 'realize', believe, etc.) they are mainly angry at themselves, the inner storm starts breaking up. At least, that's how I experienced it.
We too plodded along. One thing though: I went to counseling and worked on the anger. I apologized to her. I told her I wanted things to be different. And I made them different from my side.
Nothing from hers really except more play acting and biding her time.
When the individual doesn't own his anger first, the couple can't progress. And it's tricky for the non-angry person because if you want the M, then you might even want to be encouraging to your spouse, but you don't want to be taken advantage of or manipulated, feel like you have to appease or walk on eggshells. The lack of stability is counter-productive to the M. That's why the angry person has to own it and calm his a-- down first
Like all life sitches...the anger can be solved by 1 person but it still takes 2 to make the marriage.
