If your H is telling you right up front that it doesn't mean anything, then he's basically just using you to satisfy himself. I know it's hard (BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!) but I wouldn't want to do it under those circumstances. I think afterward I would feel horrible that I let myself be used in such a way. Of course, I've been so incredibly lonely and panicked lately that I can't be positive what my answer would be, but I do know that it would make me feel used after it was all over with. And, at that point, you're not going to be any better off than you are right now, but you're going to feel bad about yourseld. I'd say pass on it.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
If he's been having sex elsewhere, the possibility of his contracting an STD is real. My W cheated on me and got genital herpes...incurable. I did not get it luckily.
I guess I should have included more info. I had the affair, but am the one who wants to save my marriage. He says he loves me but can't be with me because he needs peace in his life. I feel desperate and willing to do anything. Just didn't know if sex is typically considered off-limits.
Thanks for all the replies. I think you are all right.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
I would think that if he's not made a clear choice to be committed to you, then having sex with him just makes things complicated and more difficult for everyone involved.
I would think if the situation changes, you both are committed to the M and both of your actions back up your words over whatever period of time you think is necessary, then I would say, Have at it at that point. But not before. Just my opinion.
I still have sex with H, not regularly, but on occasion and yes, I feel used. He is the one who had the EA, I am 90% sure I believe him that it wasn't physical so I am not worried about stds.
I only do it for the physical release, try to shut my brain off, I have mixed feelings about this as I have a healthy sex drive and find it very hard to go without for long periods of time. My H does not pressure me at all, in fact I think he could go without and be fine that way.
Klassic, I am definitely not holding myself out as the example here, I'm weeks away from my D being final. But I'll tell you what I felt was right. After BD but as long as we lived together, I continued to be a wife in all ways including regular sex. It was something I wanted, I never felt used or resentful and I also didn't believe it was going to keep him. It was for me. I didn't initiate any of it, but I didn't turn it down either. After he moved out, that was the end, even though on more than one occasion I could have made ever so slight of an effort and we would have without a doubt ended up in bed. I point out the difference here because moving out was the dividing line for me. My choice. Whatever you decide, make it your choice.
Sunny, my H hasn't moved out so maybe I can look at it the same way as you do. For me the feeling "used" is because he won't kiss me. Or rather, he will but it is the most shallow non passionate kiss you could imagine. It makes me feel more disconnected from him. I do want the sex, but the awful kisses just kind of ruin it for me.
