spoke to OW..the 1 he said he has no contact with

[Zues126]

Rain, you're not going crazy.

Under no circumstances does he get to dictate the conditions upon which you accept him back into your life. For him to lay those conditions out that he does no work, gets to simply sweep all betrayals under the rug, and you must act as if none of it ever happened, THAT is insane. And it doesn't show commitment to a functional marriage. It shows someone that will probably leave again because they feel they deserve more and will only put up with everything you have to give if it doesn't take them any sacrifice or compromise or work at all.

PASS.

What you are not looking for is to define and control everything, to emotionally blackmail him into giving you everything exactly the way you want it in the M, and to dismiss all of his needs as punishment. You aren't looking for him to pay for all of his wrongdoings.

However...you have the right to ensure that he is actually interested in a committed relationship as opposed to some cake. You have the right to ensure that he A is over. You have the right to talk about it with the guidance of a counselor as if he isn't interested in knowing about your experience he isn't serious about not doing it again and in a partnership in which he helps the two of you reestablish trust. All in all, you have a right to be your own person and have a voice in how things proceed, and the same way he can't walk up to a random woman at the grocery store, ask her out, and dictate when she lets him spend the night, he darn sure can't do it with you.

Now...none of this is for him. Don't bother telling him this. He won't understand it. It can't come from you controlling him. It has to come from him or it won't matter. This is just so YOU don't go CRAZY!

Frankly I think WAH is going to be on a long journey and may not make it. It is especially hurtful because of the flowers and date night, but the unfortunate part is this isn't him working on the M, this is him cake-eating, this is him being an addict and trying to avoid consequences for his behavior. I hope I'm wrong and that he hits a bottom and realizes he has to make some big changes...but this hasn't happened and won't anytime real soon, if ever. I say this because my bigger hope is that you can step up and take care of yourself like you always hoped he would.