Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

I can hear others, including Sandi, saying that I was stupid for trying to think my wife would be able to reconcile at the same pace I want to... so knock it off, GAL, and detach.

Detaching is tough when you're trying to reconcile, going at different speeds, and have a MC/pastor who's telling both of us we need to spend 15/30 min/day working through feelings and emotions, but my wife has very little to say. Just will sit there and expect me to talk. I can talk her ear off, and she's mentioned a few times that I'm too emotional, and just need to stop feeling the feelings from happening... which just pisses me off, since it feels like she doesn't care.

I think I'm buying a new matress for the box spring downstairs. I thought we'd be back to having physical touch by now, in the same bed, if we were working on things, but it looks like that might never happen. It's just something she's really not interested in doing with anyone - she'd rather not touch, hug, kiss, or have any physical contact. She's done that with the kids as well, and to her, that is completely normal.

Am I crazy to think this just might never work, if she keeps saying 'she's not that type of person, I can never give you what you want or need'?

[sandi2]

I want to shake you till your liver rattles!

[trumpet]

Thanks, Sandi.

Yep, this is a few month process. Time to hunker down and do what I did for the first month after BD. Ugh, I was so stupid...

[sandi2]

At home, something happened to my W. She wanted to talk, and right away, after the kids were moving towards bed, she told me 'I am sorry', and not in anger, but in a voice and demeanor that showed something had changed in her. She acknowledged the EA and start of a PA with OM, but stated again it was over, and has been for a week. No contact. She stated she wants to work on the marriage - a true first for her in 6 weeks. Other times it was 'we'll take it day by day'.


This morning - a surprise. She asked me to come close and she kissed me. She wants to go on a date on Friday. She initiated. I said yes.

I recognize this sudden switch as the WW checking to see if she has any loving feelings returning. If things with OM ended, she has the option of returning to the M or getting a D. I think she wanted to have a "date night" to see if she felt drawn to you..........or so she could say that she tried everything and nothing worked.

It is too soon for a date night. The word "date" should be erased, b/c it insinuates romance.....which automatically gives you expectations and gives her emotional pressure.

Each of you will battle addiction withdrawals. That's like a couple who stops smoking at the same time. They think it will be easier doing it together, but they usually are at each other's throats b/c each of them are in a battle of addiction. Each of them have needs that are screaming. I am not suggesting you return to the porn, I am just saying that it is a tough road to travel. However, I believe it can be done.

We headed out ok, but during our date night, which started with a 'date night' bible study, I saw my wife grow distant, like she usually does when talking about feelings, about emotions, and marriage. You could tell something was wrong, and when we were supposed to talk to each other about making 'bid' - aka love deposits - I had some great ones that I like to hear from her - but she couldn't come up with any, aaying this is 'difficult'.

After leaving, I asked a few questions, but the conversation became strained, and the night started to take a bad turn. I really need a new phone, so we stopped with about 45 min to spare to work on picking one up - I had all the particulars done beforehand, so I was hoping that's the time it would take. As soon as we get there, my wife tells me 'we don't have time for this right now', insisting we leave to go to dinner, which was just up the street.

Needless to say, I didn't take it well. After yelling, and almost walking home the 2 miles, we had no dinner, no discussion, and my wife was back at Facebook on the computer as soon as we got home. The kids were really confused, since we were supposed to be home 2 hours later.

I think she was seeking a fix, and that's why she was in a hurry to get home to the computer.

Your toughest test will probably be when you tell yourself that she is not giving you what you need, and you'll feel a little justified to resort to old porn haunts. Just bear in mind that if you return one time, it will be starting all over again. You have one and a half months behind you! I think that takes a lot of strength and shows what you can do when you are determined. Don't give in to the temptation.

During this entire ordeal, the cart has been before the horse. You can't get anywhere until you have the correct order..........the horse and then the cart.

I hope today will be a better day.

[trumpet]

Sandi,

Yes, today has been a better day. You're right, we both had an addiction, we're both having tough minutes/hours/days because of the whithdrawls. I apologized for putting pressure on her to get to fixing the M. She's having a difficult time letting go of 15 years of built-up anger and hurt.

She keeps saying that I have a built-in excuse because of the addiction; I let her know I'm the one at fault for not putting her first for 15 years, and now I know it will take longer than I expected. She's starting to understand just how hurt I am because of the PA 3 years ago, and the EA a month and a half ago.

So, trumpet is back to working on himself, and making sure when the W wants to talk, I'm here. We need to be friends first before we can be spouses.

[trumpet]

Had a very good session with IC. Porn addiction is still under control, but I did mention that not having that 'fallback' meant that my urge to be with my wife was high, and that she just isn't ready to move forward with the marriage reconstruction. He agreed that I'm probably ahead of her, and that we both might be 'dancing', but at different speeds, and I need to back off.

I let her know tonight that I'm working on being patient, and that I would be here for her, and that I'm not leaving. The IC thought that would help her relax and be able to possibly see that I'm not leaving, since her guilt is probably very high over the EA.

Now - I thought she would say 'thanks', maybe a little more, but what really happened got me upset - she just clammed up, got very quiet, and left the room. I did ask a couple minutes later if she wanted to talk, and if she still wanted to do our nightly devotions we've been doing. Nope - don't want to talk, and no devotion time.

She just doesn't want to work on the relationship. I did ask for a committment to at least keeping the M on a forward trajectory. She won't, and got upset, shut the bathroom door, and locked it.

I'm SOOO confused and hurt right now. I told her a few times tonight that I'm still working on being patient, and that it's going to take time to put the M back together. I'm getting absolutely NOTHING from her except that we need to try to 'start to be friends', and that she will only still take this a day at a time.

So, my best efforts continue to backfire.

The IC said he doesn't want me to 'pull away, and hide in the basement' like I've been doing, but that's exactly where I'm at again, and lonely, depressed, and feeling like this just isn't going to work out.

I have developed tendonitis is my right achilles, so no more walking/running/working out for a few days... another big bummer. Work right now (I'm in sales) is about as slow a December in 10 years, so another part of my life weighing down on me.

When a Wayward Wife is seemingly coming back, want to 'go on a date' - her words, and after that not working, almost seems like she wants to throw in the towel, it's back to square one yet again. It feels like I'm playing chutes and ladders, and hitting the big slide every time.

[isittoolate]

So one moment you said to her you would be patient....and you would be there for her....she didn't respond

So next minute you ask for a commitment to working on the M

Your whole post is pressure, pressure, pressure..... No patience at all.

Read it again......and no more R talks

[tl2]

I let her know tonight that I'm working on being patient

But what you should be doing is saying nothing about it and demonstrating patience with your actions and behavior.

and that I would be here for her

You're just saying this for yourself, to get her to throw you a bone and she prob just feels pressure, pursuit, and despair.

and that I'm not leaving.

How does saying this help someone who right now doesn't want to be in the M?

I'm sorry to be harsh, but instead of demonstrating patience and strength, you're demonstrating immaturity, insecurity, and lack of individualism.

Do you want a mom, a big sister, or a wife?

[sandi2]

Look, you don't need to be telling her stuff. Your IC needs to stick to your other problems and not be a MC. She is not over the OM, and probably still contacting him. So, for you to tell her you aren't going anywhere........thinking it will help relieve her guilt, is not going to work. For one reason, she isn't feeling that guilt at the moment. She has to get through the withdrawals before she can possibly start feeling guilty. Right now she's still longing for the OM!

Just STFU and stop telling her all that stuff.

[trumpet]

Yeah, my comments that the IC said I should use (say I love you, tell her I'm not going anywhere) completely backfired.

She's doesn't want to talk to me, and she's mentioning divorce again.

I'm so lonely. She wants the old happy Trumpet, she has said so, but I'm just not there if there is no reciprocation. I have the urge to move out. I have the urge to take a vacation and just leave it all behind.

Thanks tl2, I needed that.

I do think she isn't talking or texting OM - she has no 'tools in her belt' to talk about her feelings - she just says she's not where I'm at, she doesn't want to talk about the R at all, and that her goal is to just be friends.

We have broken off marriage counseling - every day we had it she would be upset, and it seemed like the sessions were going nowhere - she continues to say she wants to take it 'day by day', and that's all she has for me. No love, no caring, no asking about my day.

It's sooo hard to show the love of Christ, and care about a person, who doesn't care about you, and tells you that.