Recent Hurricane

[NateG79]

Good day today with my little princess. Went to the mall to buy her new shoes. Had fun at the playground. Went to lunch with my mother, and afterwards took some goofy selfies with me and D in the car. Only 1 text from WW this morning asking what D was up to. Nothing since. I can't even fathom that. I want to know what she's doing at all times, and happy she is. There's a lot of crazy in WWs.

[NateG79]

Journaling:

W is taking the D up to her grandmother's house about 1 1/2 hours away. The hand off went about as well as could be expected. Didn't say much, just gave D a kiss and let her get in the car.

Supposed to be meeting up with some of my buddies tonight for whatever we get into. Had a very interesting convo with my sister via text. She asked if the whole mess comes down, the W self destructs as most people have agreed, would I actually want her back being this is the 3rd time in 10 years she's done something like this. Which, honestly is something I've struggled with, which has maybe made detachment fairly easy this time. I know I don't deserve what was done. The faults in our marriage, on both sides, didn't give her the right to put me here again, and this time involve our child's future. On one hand I want my D to have a whole family, and not be scarred by all of this, she deserves a whole happy family. On the other hand, I don't know that after this storm, that the trust can ever be rebuilt. I know my father would say, just like in Matthew 8 to forgive 70x7, but, this time has really stick in my craw. Just wanted to vent that here.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

1. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation.

2. IF you reconcile it should require a full mental workup and evaluation, medication and an acknowledgement of illness on her part. If you are going to take care of your spouse "in sickness and health" and that sickness is an illness that regular causes your spouse to seek out and engage in reckless sexual behavior you better have a firm grasp of what you are signing up for, what needs to be down and a willing patient. Otherwise, forget it and use the illness to try to get as much custody of your daughter as possible to protect your daughter from the ongoing ramifications of having a likely mentally ill mother. Your children are much better off having a "disney mom" that is fun and does stuff with them when she isn't acting out and they don't have to be in her presence when she's actually cycling or whatever. If you can't get primary custody for whatever reason, you should probably stay for the protection and benefit of your children....regardless of what your wife does.

3. SM34 is completely wrong. No where has Michele Wiener Davis, author of 5h3 Divorce Busting books and owner of this website ever said that you shouldn't tell your spouse's paramours spouse about the affair. She has warned about blanket exposures and how that might make recovery more difficult, but I've never seen her explicitly state that OM's wife or OW's husband shouldn't be told. The other person's spouse isn't going to interfere in recovery. MWD may think it's optional and maybe for non-Christians that have the option of defining their own morality can get away with not telling but Christians have a duty to expose evil. IMO, that duty would extend to privately telling the OM's church where he is serving as a leader too. SM34 talked about not telling anyone as respectful but I don't see it that way at all. A respectful member of a community doesn't witness a crime and then say nothing. As a Marine and a Christian I'm guessing the only thing holding you back is the proof. You don't really fear telling his wife. You know it's the honorable thing to do, right? I know it's not a fun thing to do but it's NOT the telling that's hurtful, it's OM's adulterous behavior that has already crushed her - she just doesn't know it yet.

[Cadet]

1. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation.

2. IF you reconcile it should require a full mental workup and evaluation, medication and an acknowledgement of illness on her part. If you are going to take care of your spouse "in sickness and health" and that sickness is an illness that regular causes your spouse to seek out and engage in reckless sexual behavior you better have a firm grasp of what you are signing up for, what needs to be down and a willing patient. Otherwise, forget it and use the illness to try to get as much custody of your daughter as possible to protect your daughter from the ongoing ramifications of having a likely mentally ill mother. Your children are much better off having a "disney mom" that is fun and does stuff with them when she isn't acting out and they don't have to be in her presence when she's actually cycling or whatever. If you can't get primary custody for whatever reason, you should probably stay for the protection and benefit of your children....regardless of what your wife does.

3. SM34 is completely wrong. No where has Michele Wiener Davis, author of 5h3 Divorce Busting books and owner of this website ever said that you shouldn't tell your spouse's paramours spouse about the affair. She has warned about blanket exposures and how that might make recovery more difficult, but I've never seen her explicitly state that OM's wife or OW's husband shouldn't be told. The other person's spouse isn't going to interfere in recovery. MWD may think it's optional and maybe for non-Christians that have the option of defining their own morality can get away with not telling but Christians have a duty to expose evil. IMO, that duty would extend to privately telling the OM's church where he is serving as a leader too. SM34 talked about not telling anyone as respectful but I don't see it that way at all. A respectful member of a community doesn't witness a crime and then say nothing. As a Marine and a Christian I'm guessing the only thing holding you back is the proof. You don't really fear telling his wife. You know it's the honorable thing to do, right? I know it's not a fun thing to do but it's NOT the telling that's hurtful, it's OM's adulterous behavior that has already crushed her - she just doesn't know it yet.

GB what are you doing up at 1:47AM EST posting on this board?
Never mind I don't want to know!

[NateG79]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate all the opinions and kind words. Veeeeeeeeeery hung over this morning. Met up with a long time friend named Fletch. With that kind of name, you can imagine the kinds of things that ensue. I don't recall how many bars we went to last night. Don't recall how many drinks I had. But I know it was fun. Haven't had rock star blackout in awhile. But, I made it home with wallet, keys, glass and phone so I did okay. W has texted me a few times this morning about what we are going to do about Christmas and sent some pics of D. Haven't replied yet, as I don't quite have my wits about me yet. I see lots of water here in the next couple of hours

[NateG79]

So feeling better, no hangover left. Sitting here watching the Kingsman. Difficulty this afternoon with the separation. I don't get the point of this 6 month "trial separation". I know that most likely it's just because she wants to be able to carry on her affair, but, if she really doesn't want to be married, why not just divorce? I know she doesn't have the money to do it. If we divorced, she wants an "uncontested" divorce, which would probably be for the best, as would maybe get equal custody of D. This separation period seems silly to me sometimes.

[NateG79]

Journaling/Venting:

Went with some friends to an ugly christmas sweater party tonight. Didn't really know anyone there, but had a fun time anyways. Did meet a guy who was playing guitar and singing and I found that we were into a lot of the same stuff musically. Possible band? maybe. I'm having a hard time dealing with not having my D right now. I realized late that I didn't call to say goodnight to her last night or tonight. It hurts to talk to her when she's not here. I feel like a bad father tonight because I didn't check in with her, even though I couldn't bring myself to call the W. Still angry about this separation thing. I talked with my mother and she says that divorce is "finality", and maybe she's not sure about making it final. I feel less and less that I want back with her, but I'm heartbroken about splitting time away from my D. Definitely feeling low tonight.

[Hens]

hi,

I am a newcomer, its been two months since my life has completely hit by a storm. I found out my husband was having an EA with a colleague of his. when I found out i was Hysterical, hurt , begged, cried and did everything the Db says not to. Fastword, I moved out of the house for two weeks, as my husband wanted some space to think. I came back and since then i have had several emotional breakdowns. My husband doesn't love me anymore- we now sleeping in different bedrooms. He knows he has hurt me so much and is kind and looking out for me. But basically as soon as i bring up the topic of commitment he says he doesn't see any hope.

Last week I had a successful 180 week - but i backslides as i went out drinking with some girlfriends , came home and was so emotionally distraught. I also found that my husband is still in contact with the OW via email. I got angry and under a lot of emotional stressed asked him that I wanted a divorce so i can move on with my life. He has told me that until we sell the house and he will divide the assets equally, he will be staying in the same house . We still make dinner together and drive to work together. He said we will separate soon and doesn't see us being together makes any sense.

Is it too late for me to start doing the 180 again. I know I had one good week and I am cursing myself for backsliding and drinking so much . what should i do. Also i don't know what the outcome will be.. I just want to move on!!!

[Hens]

Hi

I have been hit by a personal hurricane since the last two months, I found out that my husband is having an EA could be something more. He initially said he wanted to work on the relationship, but as i started begging and pleading and he suddenly told me that he doesn't see any hope in this relationship. I moved out of the house for two weeks so that he could get some time to think. But nothing has changed. I am a very emotional person and I keep have massive anxiety attacks. I have several of them and each time my husband is more convinced that he doesn't want to be in this relationship. I am trying very hard to beat this anxiety . My thoughts starting going towards the EW and I think the worst. Lately i discovered that he has been emailing the other woman.


I had a successful week of DBing and 180 and then I backslides. Which I feel so miserable about. This weekend I went out drinking with couple of my girls friends and got completely drunk, which affected my anxiety attacks even more. and even more found that My H is still in contact with the other AW. I was so upset that I asked for a final separation and my husband decided to split all the financials two ways post december.

I am worried now that i have blown up all my chances and don't know what to do. Should I start all over again on the 180 and DBing. or is it too late.

[NateG79]

Hey Sneh.

Sorry to hear about where you're at. I would definitely recommend starting your own thread so your posts don't get lost inside another one. We're all her for similar reasons, and we'll all try to help out as best we can.