So..towards peace and happiness..

[BrightFuture]

Thanks guys, TBH I just keep letting the feelings come and go. I notice them, but I don't act on the basis of them. I notice that one day I feel hopeful about our sitch, then another I'm ready to move on, then another I can't imagine us together again, then another I feel tender towards H and so on. I just go with it and try not to let the feelings either way lead me.

Sotto, I could not described it better. I go through these feelings all the time.

I feel my updates must be a little dull to read. Same old, same old. No movement...nothing to see here. I know I'm moving forward and I'm making progress though, so I guess that's the main thing and the part I have control over.

I’ve said the same about my updates so many times. At least you get a lot of response. I agree with others, you are an inspiration and I enjoy reading your updates too.

Take care.

[Sotto]

Thanks guys, yes I do feel nowadays that I'm just holding a number of things suspended within me - DB efforts, love for H, difficult feelings for H, new life for me alone, possible new life with H. I carry on and I hold all of these things simultaneously within me - it's a bit of a weird thing really. Does that seem like the right approach do you think?

Busy day yesterday. Worked away then out with the charity bookstore folk for an Xmas dinner. Had a good time. I was wearing my work gear still, and had contacts instead of glasses, plus my new hair style. One of the guys - much older (think 70's) told me this is definately a great look for me & should stick with it

Working from home today, so best get to it! It's the last divorce support group tonight - but already I have a couple of events for after the new year planned with those guys. Plus I have a particular new female friend from there who lives in my town.

Started up another new GAL activity this week. Found myself a singing teacher. I used to do a lot of singing, but haven't for years. Thought it might be nice to take it up again & he's going to contact me in the new year.

Have a great day all xx

[bttrfly]

Hi Sotto,
I'm not sure if that is the right approach - I guess I don't see any other possible approach really. I'm doing the same, holding space for all these things - I think it's the only way to really process it all in this crucible called divorce. WHatever isn't burned away will be what comes out I think. Interesting question and one I have also wondered about. I will be waiting for answer from those who have already traversed this path.

Sing sistah! xoxoxo

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. I wouldn't say it's a good approach or really an approach of any type , it's more how you feel Can you change how you feel ? I would say no or not easily. You do more GAL than anyone and seem to have a great life. You are incredibly attractive as a person and I have not doubt very attractive to the eye and yet you struggle with your thoughts because of the pain and love re H.

I've said it before , your great and I think you know that you will recover and be happy again yet you are still going through a process. That process isn't help when H tells you that your the one for him and that he loves you.

Would it help if he was a b@stard and treated you bad , maybe but he doesn't and for me it's the MLC How long you stand or let the process unfold is again down to your feelings and thoughts

I have dated and I'll be candid here , the Dr was a hottie that I would have glanced at while married Not any more than an admiring glance but a glance non the less. I sat opposite this lady and felt nothing , it struck me then that while I'm Mr detached on the outside , inside stuff is far from clear

To me , you seem that you know life can be good but your standing and I only wish H could realise what he's losing before it's too late

Handsome Dan or Simon Smoothie will be smitten by our Sotto and whisk her off her feet and treat her the way a person such as she deserves

You have my admiration and definitely a glance should we happen to pass in lreal life

Take care Rd. xxxc

[Vanilla]

Sotto

I agree with RD!

There is no timetable for any of this.

Let it unfold in its own time, it will you know. So you are in a holding pattern, so? Let it be as it is.

I think it's paradoxical and very pink elephant, but the more we fret about anything the bigger it is, the longer it influences us.

I think so.

V

[Pink17]

Hi darling,

I agree with my lovely RD and the wise V here. It is what it is and not a measurable thing that you can say less of this and more of that.

Go with the flow and let it unfold by itself. Yet you are in command of that direction because you will do what is good and healthy for yourself.

It is indeed a feeling of a boiling stew. But I think it is just what it is for now. Give yourself credit, and pat yourself in the back because you are still you.

It is hard, very hard work. Michelle was not kidding when she said "prepare yourself for a very hard work" or "it's not a sprint, it is a Marathon". Now we know she wasn't lying about it.

The way I see by what I am going through is that there is a side of me that needs to move forward and do things for myself and become better, and so on.

And there is a side of me that still holds the hope of maybe somehow get back together with the man I promised to love forever.

Well, if we could just divide ourselves in two parts, then it would be easy. But, there is a lot of other feeling involved in all of this. Think about a tornado that just went by you and all what was left was you. The destruction is cruel, to everything you loved and enjoyed gone is a tornado inside your heart, and then you think... I am still here, it did not kill me, I just need to take one day at a time and rebuild my house, where by the way I will probably live many years to come and be happy again.

And that is us, we are rebuilding what was destroyed, and it is not easy, but time is a friend with no limits and will help us to do just that, rebuild.

There is even more, the house you built before was not so strong and did not have the right foundation for tornados events. Now, you know better and will built that house with a lot of knowledge to make it stronger and tornado proof.

.... I met a lady at a bowling alley last Friday that is back in Colorado. She is trying to get her XH back. Why? This lady fell in love with some other guy, left her H and moved away for a what she tough a better life alongside the new love of her life.

After two years, she figure that she is more unhappy then when she was with her XH. She decided to come back and fight for her broken M. Her XH is not totally gone, but he moved on too and now he does not see himself back into all that pain he felt when she left him.

It was amazing for me to talk to the other side. She was very sure she was doing the right thing. Then with time she started missing her XH, she started missing all what was good about him and became sure he is the only man she actually love for real.

Is that too late for her? I don't know. Her XH does not have serious R, but he is hurt and afraid, so it is now her time to give him space to think about what he wants.

It is amazing how sometimes life goes around.

So beautiful, hang in there, maybe just accept that things are the way they are right now, and be open for what life will throw your way in the future.

You are doing great for such messed up situation. You are indeed a hero in my eyes.

(((((((((((Sotto))))))))))))
Pink

[BrightFuture]

Hi Sotto, thanks for stopping by my post and giving your support. I have similar feeling going on through my head all the time. One day I think it need to move on and get over it, then I think that not all is lost and there still can be a possibility of a R. I know how tiring it is. I don’t think there is other way though. You have to go through whatever you have to go through.

I agree with others here, you are doing fine and I’m impressed with the amount of GAL you are doing. I just don’t have that much energy. I do try to accept all the invites and make an effort to go.

Pink, great post and interesting story about the lady at the bowling alley.

[Sotto]

Thanks so much guys. Yes I think it is just a case of letting it all bubble away on the stove for now. TBH, I have been so busy this week I haven't had much time to think. My various Xmas parties came a little early this year and I've been out most nights this week - bookstore Xmas meal, Divorce Group, Yoga & coffee after with a friend, work Xmas meal, birthday party and out to see a live band. I'm pretty tired this morning - but that busy spell is over and I did have a fun time!

This week is much quieter and I'm going to recharge and finish off my Xmas shopping. I'm off to cook some lunch for the parents later and give them some TLC.

Pink, thanks for your lovely post. That is an interesting story about the bowling lady. People on this forum often post in terms of 'months' but I think it does tend to be years. It truly takes a good while for things to percolate and for the WAS to taste coffee and sometimes find it bitter.

For me, I notice lately that I am thinking about H and our sitch less than I did. I think that happens with a good period of NC. If we are in touch again, I'm sure thoughts will bubble up again. I feel I'm at a stage where it feels hard to be standing, and I don't really know if what I am standing for is worth the stand. I can see what people mean when they post about the feelings of love fading and the choice to stand being more based on your own principles than feelings of love. At the moment, I do and I don't love H...it varies from day to day.

Well, time for me to get moving this morning....have a good day everyone xx

[mleigh4]

Sotto, in reference to your last statement above. I am in that stage now. It has been over 2 years since BD. My "surface" love for H is very little. I don't feel very attracted to him, I don't miss him most time, I don't have a whole lot of respect for him....but something keeps me standing. For myself, I feel a deep and different love for H, I am not sure if that is what keeps me holding on. Or if it my stubbornness, my lack of being able to give up, and my respect and faith in marriage.

That is my own stuff to figure out. I feel like the vets say, that I am getting closer to that point where the decision of whether we stay married or not will be mine.

It takes time, I am sure it is different for us all. You are doing all the right things and an inspiration to many here.

[Pink17]

Darling, you are indeed in a sweet bitter spot. I guess you are doing what DBing is all about. Improve ourselves and keep the mind open in case that someone comes our way.

It's very hard to live like this. There are days we miss the other half and there are days we can't stand to face what they did to us.

I would say that it is worth to keep standing until someone else feels the gap. I know you are a married woman right now, but being divorced also changes your mind.

It for sure gives you freedom too and makes you think if there is or are something better you can find.

I would say that only time will heal the wounds and let us know when we are ready to move on.

Hang in there. Don't forget that you are in the middle of a storm and it makes your sitch very young.

And what about step son? Iys he still going to spend some time with you?

Hope you are well. Hang in there, live it day by day honey.

Love and hugs
Pink