Hello, friends! Isn't it funny how we sometimes have to struggle for words to say? I've been away for a while...just being. During that time,.some interesting things have occurred.
First, court. That was a bit of a disappointment. My new lawyers had to ask for a new date, because they need evidence from the prosecution. I've turned in everything that they need. It's likely that it will be dismissed, ultimately. My lawyer is working on a way to get it both dismissed as well as expunged, like it never happened. Just like with DB, it all takes time. January 20 is new date. I'll keep you posted. I've got funny stories to share about that in the coming weeks.
I'm closer to being at the point people talk about in regards to H. I'm realizing I will be fine without him. Definitely not as wealthy, but certainly much safer. My heart failure is not news. I was first diagnosed in 2008. He knows stress and heart failure are a killer combo, yet he chose this course. That really tells me all I need to know. Detachment comes in stages, like a process.
I was reading through an old "give us a chance" letter I'd written him and realized I was begging him to have some integrity! Integrity isn't really something you turn off and on. I have integrity. In spite of my recent bad choice, I've acknowledged my errors, apologized, and have tried to make things right. I haven't hidden it, or tried to downplay. I always try to do the right thing, because it feels so much more peaceful on the inside when I do. Most of you here have integrity in spades.
My poor H used to have integrity, I thought. Maybe I just looked at him through rose colored lenses. I don't know for certain about the past. I do know for certain that the person H is, right now, is not someone I would welcome into my life. I feel badly for our kids. He thinks they're ashamed of him because of me! I think I told you guys about my suggestion to that idea. "Instead of blaming me, why don't you make certain you're not doing anything that would cause you shame if the kids were to find out." Evil glare directed at me for that one.
So...My point here is, yes. I'm still sad. I'm coming to a place of acceptance. I don't know if H can ever be what I need. I'll be okay, either way. I feel badly for my kids. I don't feel so badly for me.
The heart monitor came off last week, and has been mailed to company for results. It's supposed to be able to help Dr. Determine if palpitations are coming from one valve, or all 4. If it's all 4, then I'll get a pacemaker. I won't be so terrified just to be active with a pacemaker, so I'm okay with that.
If it's just one valve, then it will be a procedure where they go into the heart muscle and basically kill a misfiring nerve. I find that far more frightening than a pacemaker, ironically. This heart stuff is super-frightening!
I'm doing okay, though. Much calmer, wiser, and more patient. I accept that things may turn out differently than I'd originally hoped. I have faith that something even better will follow if I stay true to my faith and beliefs. I need to get busy helping others again. I was so scared when I got here.
OK...I've got more, but I'll save something for tomorrow.
